Invariably, at some point in time, you would meet someone, who has the audacity to self proclaim themselves as a health expert with an acute eye for observation and tell you
"My My! Look at you! Look how thin you have become"
First I thought that they reserved such statements only for me, but apparently it's become more like a "Hello How are you" kind of statement now-a-days. Most of them also equate thin-ness to be a sign of being in the doldrums. It is a sad world, where fatness is associated with prosperity. Protest is futile, for irrespective of how much weight you manage to put on, you will hear the same. If you don't believe me, read this post from the beginning all over again.
I used to wonder how can educated folks be so crass, insensitive and stupid. I have rather painfully come to realize that education has nothing to do with it. Education is like a sword. How you use it is solely up to you. Whether you want to slay people with it or whether you want to take on where Robin Hood left, is up to you.
Here are a few ways to tackle these self diagnosed medical, ahem quacks?
A: My My! Look at you! Look how thin you are!
Huck: What's your problem?
A: This ain't healthy man!
Huck: So you associate being fat with health?
A: Of course! Also with prosperity!
Huck: Well then I suggest that you settle down in Japan, marry a sumo wrestler and have sumo kids. I even have great names for your kids, sumo Jr., sumoya, sumoyi, ...
B: My My! Look at you! How thin you are!
Huck: Sadly I wish I could say the same about you. but am sorry! You are just way too bloated out of control that you look like you are going to burst any moment. We are going to have a hell of a time cleaning the floor. Careful! walk slowly!
C: My My! Look at you! How thin you are! You ain't going to get married looking like this!
Huck: I know! Am specifically trying to keep your species away!
D: My My! Look at you! How thin you are!
Huck: Do you have 300 Rs?
D: Yes. I do. why?
Huck: There's a shop in C.M.H road which sells mirrors. You need a mirror very very badly to look at the state you are in. It's unbelievable. I just can't describe it. Please do yourself a favor. buy the mirror!
E: My My! Look at you! How thin you are!
[silence]
E: No reply?
Huck: Well I ain't like you. I don't make personal comments against other people.
E: Huh? I am pretty thick-skinned to fall for that!
Huck: [silence]
F: My My! Look at you! How thin you are!
[mischievous smile]
F: What?
[longer mischievous smile]
G: My My! Look at you! How thin you are!
Huck: Yes. I can't match you there, but I betcha you can't match me in another.
G: What's that?
Huck: In temper. Now shut the f*** up, a******.
This is my all-time favourite
H: My My! Look at you!
Huck: STOP!
H: Why?
Huck: You were going to say How thin you are. right?
H: Hey! How did you know?
Huck: I always knew you had nothing original about you ;)
On a related note,
Here are a few good things that you *can* say when you meet people.
A: Hey! How's it going?
Huck: Cool! You look awesome
A: You too man! as usual!
B: Hey! Long time no see! There's a glow on your face! What's cooking?
Huck: It's just having you as a good friend, buddy! :)
Spread the joy folks! The world sure needs it!
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Sunday, August 30, 2009
The silent partner
Disclaimer: A few wonderful people have indicated that the post below casts them into moods of depression. Yes, it is rather tragic, but being able to articulate about reality as it is helps in a way. On a positive note, I suppose am making a mark as a novelist if am able to evoke such extreme reactions! End_of_disclaimer
"Honey! I am Home!". Three magical words, that would no doubt cause immense joy and strange, but happy biological reactions within millions of people. To me, they cause despair, deep anguish, and a feeling of being stuck where I don't want to be...
It's been a few months now, since she moved into my life. I didn't want her in my life, but then not everything in my life has been about my choices, and what I have wanted. She comes and goes as she pleases, and is fiercely possessive about me. Possessive almost to the point of suffocating me. She's pretty no doubt, but she keeps changing her visage in line with the trendiest fashions. I hardly know her true face. She lives with me some days, and some days she's off traveling around the world. She's always back and talks to me about her worldly experiences, experiences, which I can only dream of...
Sometimes she stays overnight and at night rests her pretty face on my chest. She asks me to hug her tightly and I oblige willingly. As I hold her, I think about the day, when she would be out of my life and a small smile appears in the corner of my face. She can sense my thoughts. She gets up and looks at me without blinking, with her chin on my chest, until the smile is transformed back to the familiar nonchalant neutral expression that am famous for. Contented, she snuggles closer to me and a whiff of the male deodorant that she uses, en-wraps me just like her.
At morning, her pretty face still nests comfortably on my chest. She pleads with me for another five minutes, as I try to get up. I let her plead for a few more times, until I give in to the cuteness of her pout and concede finally. It is a pleasure watching her sleep. I know that her day would be very tiring. She works as a door-to-door sales woman and almost everyone bangs the door hard on her, and it's only the comfort of having me in her life, that keeps her going. The clock ticks slowly, but surely and the five minutes grows into five hours and finally I get up to leave. She blows me a kiss and waves me a goodbye.
As I get into the car and shut it, a familiar thought and there she is knocking on the glass, with all smiles. I turn the key to let the power windows work it's magic and catch a whiff of her, but she thinks that I am running away from her. With tears rolling down those pretty cheeks, she rushes back leaving me despairing at my plight.
She doesn't like me socializing much. One moment you see that smile. One moment you see the nonchalance back. It perplexes people a lot, and they wisely keep away from me. She nods approvingly at the gleeful prospect of having me all to herself.
Many a time I have commanded, ordered, asked, requested, and even begged her to leave me alone. She dismisses everything with an air of, I don't even know the meaning of that statement. At times of utter desperation, she promises me, that one day she will leave me and that would be the day, when she knows that I am where I need to be. I look forward to that with hope, but I don't know if I will ever see the light of that day...
Amidst all the agony she causes, all her possessiveness, she lets me have my freedom. Freedom to do as I please. She doesn't say back one harsh word. Never one to say anything more than a few words, her actions speak a lot more. As I write this blog, I can feel her steady breath, as she glances over my shoulder, reading the very words that attack her so vehemently, with a pleasant acceptance of how I feel about her...
My name is Huck and her name is loneliness.
"Honey! I am Home!". Three magical words, that would no doubt cause immense joy and strange, but happy biological reactions within millions of people. To me, they cause despair, deep anguish, and a feeling of being stuck where I don't want to be...
It's been a few months now, since she moved into my life. I didn't want her in my life, but then not everything in my life has been about my choices, and what I have wanted. She comes and goes as she pleases, and is fiercely possessive about me. Possessive almost to the point of suffocating me. She's pretty no doubt, but she keeps changing her visage in line with the trendiest fashions. I hardly know her true face. She lives with me some days, and some days she's off traveling around the world. She's always back and talks to me about her worldly experiences, experiences, which I can only dream of...
Sometimes she stays overnight and at night rests her pretty face on my chest. She asks me to hug her tightly and I oblige willingly. As I hold her, I think about the day, when she would be out of my life and a small smile appears in the corner of my face. She can sense my thoughts. She gets up and looks at me without blinking, with her chin on my chest, until the smile is transformed back to the familiar nonchalant neutral expression that am famous for. Contented, she snuggles closer to me and a whiff of the male deodorant that she uses, en-wraps me just like her.
At morning, her pretty face still nests comfortably on my chest. She pleads with me for another five minutes, as I try to get up. I let her plead for a few more times, until I give in to the cuteness of her pout and concede finally. It is a pleasure watching her sleep. I know that her day would be very tiring. She works as a door-to-door sales woman and almost everyone bangs the door hard on her, and it's only the comfort of having me in her life, that keeps her going. The clock ticks slowly, but surely and the five minutes grows into five hours and finally I get up to leave. She blows me a kiss and waves me a goodbye.
As I get into the car and shut it, a familiar thought and there she is knocking on the glass, with all smiles. I turn the key to let the power windows work it's magic and catch a whiff of her, but she thinks that I am running away from her. With tears rolling down those pretty cheeks, she rushes back leaving me despairing at my plight.
She doesn't like me socializing much. One moment you see that smile. One moment you see the nonchalance back. It perplexes people a lot, and they wisely keep away from me. She nods approvingly at the gleeful prospect of having me all to herself.
Many a time I have commanded, ordered, asked, requested, and even begged her to leave me alone. She dismisses everything with an air of, I don't even know the meaning of that statement. At times of utter desperation, she promises me, that one day she will leave me and that would be the day, when she knows that I am where I need to be. I look forward to that with hope, but I don't know if I will ever see the light of that day...
Amidst all the agony she causes, all her possessiveness, she lets me have my freedom. Freedom to do as I please. She doesn't say back one harsh word. Never one to say anything more than a few words, her actions speak a lot more. As I write this blog, I can feel her steady breath, as she glances over my shoulder, reading the very words that attack her so vehemently, with a pleasant acceptance of how I feel about her...
My name is Huck and her name is loneliness.
Thursday, August 27, 2009
The finale! - VII
Live on Television
Huck: Welcome to the final episode on Huck's talk show!
Producer: It's about time! Your viewers have been very very patient indeed!
Huck: Whose side are you on anyway?
Producer: Since it's the last show, I thought I'll speak my mind for once! you better have a good reason for the delay! and an acceptable one at that!
Huck: Folks, I know we promised you a date of August 15 and we are well past that for this last show, but am sure you don't mind. Chew on what am going to say next for a minute, before am judged harshly for my delay!
Huck now walking around like Guna in the movie Guna!
You put up with real estate builders building your homes and delaying your move-in by at least a year (if you are lucky!)
You put up with queues paying electricity bills, at the bank, at canteens, at malls, waiting for lifts when that time could be spent elsewhere.
You put up with traffic jams and wait patiently for the cars to inch a centimeter ahead (No point, the centipedes would still win the race!)
If you are a clueless(like most of them) client, you put up with those damn @#$@%$ software engineers and their haphazard crazy estimations under fanciful terms like agile, waterfall, spiral, twisted, convoluted @#$@%#%
You put up with wierdo families who come all (papa, mama, kiddo1, kiddo2) covered in masks to protect themselves against H1N1 and yet come to a theater and move along with the crowds, when they could just sit home and watch a movie on DVD (original of course)
You put up with polluted water, that you end up buying water, which itself is polluted with minerals!
You put up with scarcity of rain, and when it rains so much finally, you put up with flooded roads due to poor infrastructure planning!
If you are in Bangalore, You put up with never ending construction of flyovers, that by the time the flyovers get done, the amount of vehicles that ply on it would have rapidly multiplied, so you have the original problem in it's full glory to solve again! (What next a flyover on top of a flyover?)
You put up with mean spirited people, people who can't utter one good word to you
You put up with crazy religious beliefs, superstitions, astrological nonsense and are ready to believe anything and everything, including something as bizarre as if you forward a link to this blog about this talk show to 16 other people, then you will live for another 16 long years (doesn't matter if you are already 90 years old and pushing it...!)
You put up with people, who you are well aware are manipulating and using you for their own trivial needs
You put up with people who make personal comments against you and who take you for granted
You put up with the fact that you still don't freaking know whether the chicken came first or the egg!
...
a hell lot more put-ups (sorry no push-ups here)
...
Finally you put up with yourself for the number of times that you end up contradicting yourself, your own views, your own image of yourself, your resolutions and your constant breakage of the same @#$@$
Man! you mean to tell me that you can't put up with one tiny weeny delay about a non consequential telly show that is well past it's shelf life. Wow! If so, then I have just one thing to tell you and that is [beep], [beeep], [beeeeeeeeeeep]
screen flickering live
You see when you put-up with something, there is a delay (You don't need Sherlock Holmes to point you that much) and that makes you sorta immune after some time.
Let me give you an example. I personally waited for a long time to get one apartment deal to go through and finally when it did happen, it was at a totally unexpected time after all hopes have been lost. When it finally did happen, it was a victory, but a Pyrrhic one never-the-less. An inordinate unacceptable amount of time had been lost already. With time, all your dreams of getting the interiors done just go up in smoke, for you couldn't care less. Just gimme the goddamn place @#$@$@ and let me move in. That's the final attitude that you are left with and to come out of that does take something...
I could give a lot more instances from my life about my career, about relationships, about waiting for that one thing. After some time it's just pointless. Whatever you aspired for, your dreams, they are still out there, but they are pretty much just a part of the scenery. You don't recognize it yourself anymore nor do you care really. You pass along this lovely looking tall tree every day. You hardly pause to appreciate it in full bloom. The same it is with dreams, your aspirations, your hopes. It all becomes a part of the scenery. That's the inevitable natural course of things.
The point of this final talk show is not to talk about me, but to get each one of you to talk to yourselves. Did you wait eagerly for this talk show till 15th, 16th, 17th and then got to a point where you just didn't care whether it ever came or not, or were you eagerly awaiting till this very moment in eager anticipation, knowing for sure when it did happen, it would never disappoint you? No am not talking about the talk show now. Am talking about your own lives! What in your life, your dreams, that you desired has become so part of the scenery, that you hardly recognize it anymore? What? What can you do about it? Will you do something if you can?
Well, you see I couldn't talk about all this without actually making you put-up with a delay! and if you think am going to f****** apologize for the delay, for trying to make you better your own lives, well, then [beep, beeep , triple beeep]. You see all this talk wouldn't have resonated within you without the delay, without the 'put-up'. It was a special light bulb moment :)
With that, this talk show comes to a end! Thank you for tuning in to us today!
Producer: Man, I have to give it to you, but that was some deep deep stuff!
Huck: You know I've been waiting for something so much that I just realized how much I could do something about it now
Producer: And what's that?
Huck: Kick your bu** on live television! Hey you wait! Where are you running? Cameraman follow me! We gotta capture this live action! It will sell like hot cakes! And after me, you can have your turn tooo! There's plenty of space in this fatso to go around!
screen flickering
P.S. If you liked Huck's talk show and would like to drop in a note/comment appreciating it highly, we heartily recommend so! Do so! If however, you have only brick-bats, then we recommend that you hold it in your right hand (left hand if you are leftie) and swing the bat well around with all the force you can, until you make excellent precise contact with your own skull! (with a THUD! for good effect!)
Huck: Welcome to the final episode on Huck's talk show!
Producer: It's about time! Your viewers have been very very patient indeed!
Huck: Whose side are you on anyway?
Producer: Since it's the last show, I thought I'll speak my mind for once! you better have a good reason for the delay! and an acceptable one at that!
Huck: Folks, I know we promised you a date of August 15 and we are well past that for this last show, but am sure you don't mind. Chew on what am going to say next for a minute, before am judged harshly for my delay!
Huck now walking around like Guna in the movie Guna!
You put up with real estate builders building your homes and delaying your move-in by at least a year (if you are lucky!)
You put up with queues paying electricity bills, at the bank, at canteens, at malls, waiting for lifts when that time could be spent elsewhere.
You put up with traffic jams and wait patiently for the cars to inch a centimeter ahead (No point, the centipedes would still win the race!)
If you are a clueless(like most of them) client, you put up with those damn @#$@%$ software engineers and their haphazard crazy estimations under fanciful terms like agile, waterfall, spiral, twisted, convoluted @#$@%#%
You put up with wierdo families who come all (papa, mama, kiddo1, kiddo2) covered in masks to protect themselves against H1N1 and yet come to a theater and move along with the crowds, when they could just sit home and watch a movie on DVD (original of course)
You put up with polluted water, that you end up buying water, which itself is polluted with minerals!
You put up with scarcity of rain, and when it rains so much finally, you put up with flooded roads due to poor infrastructure planning!
If you are in Bangalore, You put up with never ending construction of flyovers, that by the time the flyovers get done, the amount of vehicles that ply on it would have rapidly multiplied, so you have the original problem in it's full glory to solve again! (What next a flyover on top of a flyover?)
You put up with mean spirited people, people who can't utter one good word to you
You put up with crazy religious beliefs, superstitions, astrological nonsense and are ready to believe anything and everything, including something as bizarre as if you forward a link to this blog about this talk show to 16 other people, then you will live for another 16 long years (doesn't matter if you are already 90 years old and pushing it...!)
You put up with people, who you are well aware are manipulating and using you for their own trivial needs
You put up with people who make personal comments against you and who take you for granted
You put up with the fact that you still don't freaking know whether the chicken came first or the egg!
...
a hell lot more put-ups (sorry no push-ups here)
...
Finally you put up with yourself for the number of times that you end up contradicting yourself, your own views, your own image of yourself, your resolutions and your constant breakage of the same @#$@$
Man! you mean to tell me that you can't put up with one tiny weeny delay about a non consequential telly show that is well past it's shelf life. Wow! If so, then I have just one thing to tell you and that is [beep], [beeep], [beeeeeeeeeeep]
screen flickering live
You see when you put-up with something, there is a delay (You don't need Sherlock Holmes to point you that much) and that makes you sorta immune after some time.
Let me give you an example. I personally waited for a long time to get one apartment deal to go through and finally when it did happen, it was at a totally unexpected time after all hopes have been lost. When it finally did happen, it was a victory, but a Pyrrhic one never-the-less. An inordinate unacceptable amount of time had been lost already. With time, all your dreams of getting the interiors done just go up in smoke, for you couldn't care less. Just gimme the goddamn place @#$@$@ and let me move in. That's the final attitude that you are left with and to come out of that does take something...
I could give a lot more instances from my life about my career, about relationships, about waiting for that one thing. After some time it's just pointless. Whatever you aspired for, your dreams, they are still out there, but they are pretty much just a part of the scenery. You don't recognize it yourself anymore nor do you care really. You pass along this lovely looking tall tree every day. You hardly pause to appreciate it in full bloom. The same it is with dreams, your aspirations, your hopes. It all becomes a part of the scenery. That's the inevitable natural course of things.
The point of this final talk show is not to talk about me, but to get each one of you to talk to yourselves. Did you wait eagerly for this talk show till 15th, 16th, 17th and then got to a point where you just didn't care whether it ever came or not, or were you eagerly awaiting till this very moment in eager anticipation, knowing for sure when it did happen, it would never disappoint you? No am not talking about the talk show now. Am talking about your own lives! What in your life, your dreams, that you desired has become so part of the scenery, that you hardly recognize it anymore? What? What can you do about it? Will you do something if you can?
Well, you see I couldn't talk about all this without actually making you put-up with a delay! and if you think am going to f****** apologize for the delay, for trying to make you better your own lives, well, then [beep, beeep , triple beeep]. You see all this talk wouldn't have resonated within you without the delay, without the 'put-up'. It was a special light bulb moment :)
With that, this talk show comes to a end! Thank you for tuning in to us today!
Producer: Man, I have to give it to you, but that was some deep deep stuff!
Huck: You know I've been waiting for something so much that I just realized how much I could do something about it now
Producer: And what's that?
Huck: Kick your bu** on live television! Hey you wait! Where are you running? Cameraman follow me! We gotta capture this live action! It will sell like hot cakes! And after me, you can have your turn tooo! There's plenty of space in this fatso to go around!
screen flickering
P.S. If you liked Huck's talk show and would like to drop in a note/comment appreciating it highly, we heartily recommend so! Do so! If however, you have only brick-bats, then we recommend that you hold it in your right hand (left hand if you are leftie) and swing the bat well around with all the force you can, until you make excellent precise contact with your own skull! (with a THUD! for good effect!)
Monday, August 3, 2009
Anti climax! - VI
Live on Television
Huck: Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Huck's talk show!
Producer: Are you going to tell them or not?
Huck: I am worried about the reactions, but anyways here goes.
brief pause and heavy breathing
Huck: Folks, we've run into problems with the censor board, the wildlife protection group, the red cross group, the income tax department, the education ministry, women's rights groups, national human rights commission, political groups and the association of 'well behaved people' (Who even knew they existed???).
All these groups have criticized the show for it's dripping satire and sarcasm. A few of us have been threatened with dire consequences, if we continued to host this show. A few of us have received murder threats. I now read out a long list of threats, comments that we have received.
Censor Board: Who the f*** gave you a certificate to host a show with so many f****** comments in it? f***, whoever granted the f****** certificate!
Wild-life protection group: There were no animals used in any of your shows! What role do we have in society if you are not planning to use any animals/birds? Unless you want to use them, our signatures are rendered obsolete! We, the wild-life protection group, are becoming an endangered species because of your senseless acts!
Education ministry: We condemn the episode on education. It made a motal tockery of education. Further sex education was not covered and was deemed out of syllabus. violation of protocol.
Income Tax: All those SMS's - the money that you raked in, have you paid tax on that? That swivel chair, that your producer uses, is that imported? What about the advts? How can a show be so popular and have only one advt? Where are the funds coming from? Swiss/Cayman Islands? Where are your accounts? Where is ...
(The list of questions runs to a 400 page document, but you get the general idea...)
Women's rights: In the dance show, the woman received less points than both the men. We condemn this outrageous act. This was a classic case of gender discrimination. We have filed a complaint with the national human rights commission.
National Human rights commission: We have received a complaint from the Women's rights groups. We are investigating it and you should soon be receiving a detailed notice. You have been warned! We will approach you to take your statements, where-ever you might be (We think the likely place would be a Jail, though)
Red cross: Not one paisa was contributed to charity. A show this popular, and so greedy. The gluttonous producer and the menacing uncouth Huck make only personal attacks against people and do not contribute anything back to society!
Political Group 1: I made a telephone call during the dance show to make my nephew (contestant 1) win. Why didn't he win? Boy! are you in trouble now!
Political Group 2: Did you know that Mr. IKL from your talk show is from the minority caste? Do you have any idea what that means? Tuesday will be a bandh to condemn your action in public!
Political Group 3: We deplore this talk show. This show is against our culture. Our culture is being vandalized by this show. (Come on my men! Let's vandalize their studio in return!)
Death Threat 1: Shut down shop and go abroad and settle, before it's too late.
Death Threat 2: We are from the underworld. Congratulations! You have received a promotion and now are no 1. and no. 2 on the hit list. The producer is no.1 and Huck is no.2. We are however flexible and willing to swap these positions, if you so desire. Wondering what the difference between these two positions are? Hmm. we would say about a minute or so!
Death Threat 3: Do you like to be burnt or buried? Our preference is to burn you. We can save some money on the caskets that way.
Association of Well behaved people: (letter follows)
Esteemed and Honorable Producer and Dear Huck,
It is with the deepest apologies that we have to write such a letter to both your respected selves. We find the content on the talk shows very disturbing. Please note that we love both of you. It is only the content that disturbs us. If you could please change the format of the show to be slightly more polite, we would be forever in your debt.
Thanking you,
Looking forward to a favorable reply from your respected selves
Mr. KF
President,
Association of well behaved people
Huck: There you have it!
Obviously we can't fight all these groups. We have neither the time nor the inclination, and so sadly, it is with great pain that we have to announce that there will be only one more final talk show, that will be telecast live around the world on Aug 15 2009!
The day India celebrates it's independence, we will be losing it (satirical laugh)
longer silence
Huck: So much for democracy! Jai Hind!
Huck: Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Huck's talk show!
Producer: Are you going to tell them or not?
Huck: I am worried about the reactions, but anyways here goes.
brief pause and heavy breathing
Huck: Folks, we've run into problems with the censor board, the wildlife protection group, the red cross group, the income tax department, the education ministry, women's rights groups, national human rights commission, political groups and the association of 'well behaved people' (Who even knew they existed???).
All these groups have criticized the show for it's dripping satire and sarcasm. A few of us have been threatened with dire consequences, if we continued to host this show. A few of us have received murder threats. I now read out a long list of threats, comments that we have received.
Censor Board: Who the f*** gave you a certificate to host a show with so many f****** comments in it? f***, whoever granted the f****** certificate!
Wild-life protection group: There were no animals used in any of your shows! What role do we have in society if you are not planning to use any animals/birds? Unless you want to use them, our signatures are rendered obsolete! We, the wild-life protection group, are becoming an endangered species because of your senseless acts!
Education ministry: We condemn the episode on education. It made a motal tockery of education. Further sex education was not covered and was deemed out of syllabus. violation of protocol.
Income Tax: All those SMS's - the money that you raked in, have you paid tax on that? That swivel chair, that your producer uses, is that imported? What about the advts? How can a show be so popular and have only one advt? Where are the funds coming from? Swiss/Cayman Islands? Where are your accounts? Where is ...
(The list of questions runs to a 400 page document, but you get the general idea...)
Women's rights: In the dance show, the woman received less points than both the men. We condemn this outrageous act. This was a classic case of gender discrimination. We have filed a complaint with the national human rights commission.
National Human rights commission: We have received a complaint from the Women's rights groups. We are investigating it and you should soon be receiving a detailed notice. You have been warned! We will approach you to take your statements, where-ever you might be (We think the likely place would be a Jail, though)
Red cross: Not one paisa was contributed to charity. A show this popular, and so greedy. The gluttonous producer and the menacing uncouth Huck make only personal attacks against people and do not contribute anything back to society!
Political Group 1: I made a telephone call during the dance show to make my nephew (contestant 1) win. Why didn't he win? Boy! are you in trouble now!
Political Group 2: Did you know that Mr. IKL from your talk show is from the minority caste? Do you have any idea what that means? Tuesday will be a bandh to condemn your action in public!
Political Group 3: We deplore this talk show. This show is against our culture. Our culture is being vandalized by this show. (Come on my men! Let's vandalize their studio in return!)
Death Threat 1: Shut down shop and go abroad and settle, before it's too late.
Death Threat 2: We are from the underworld. Congratulations! You have received a promotion and now are no 1. and no. 2 on the hit list. The producer is no.1 and Huck is no.2. We are however flexible and willing to swap these positions, if you so desire. Wondering what the difference between these two positions are? Hmm. we would say about a minute or so!
Death Threat 3: Do you like to be burnt or buried? Our preference is to burn you. We can save some money on the caskets that way.
Association of Well behaved people: (letter follows)
Esteemed and Honorable Producer and Dear Huck,
It is with the deepest apologies that we have to write such a letter to both your respected selves. We find the content on the talk shows very disturbing. Please note that we love both of you. It is only the content that disturbs us. If you could please change the format of the show to be slightly more polite, we would be forever in your debt.
Thanking you,
Looking forward to a favorable reply from your respected selves
Mr. KF
President,
Association of well behaved people
Huck: There you have it!
Obviously we can't fight all these groups. We have neither the time nor the inclination, and so sadly, it is with great pain that we have to announce that there will be only one more final talk show, that will be telecast live around the world on Aug 15 2009!
The day India celebrates it's independence, we will be losing it (satirical laugh)
longer silence
Huck: So much for democracy! Jai Hind!
Thursday, July 30, 2009
A show of strength - V
Live on Television
Producer: Welcome! After our disastrous foray into dance shoes, oops shows, we've received more than 2000 SMS'es in the no advertised. 1999 of them cribbed against our terrible performance and threatened to sue us with legal action, if we continued to host dance shows! There was however one heart-whelming SMS, though which praised the show as 'magnificento' and admired all the judges and asked us to continue doing the good work that we were doing! However since we like to get to the bottom of things, we hired a private investigator to figure out who this solitary admirer was and the message was traced to a secret second mobile owned by Huck! Since then, I've had a war of words with Huck and the media quick to pounce on anything and sensationalize stuff broke out the news of a falling between Huck and me. I want to re-iterate that though we have our differences (pretty large ones too!), we are a team! and we will remain a team! Over to Huck!
Huck: Thank you! (sobbing with a hanky) That was a very emotional moment. I don't know what to say. ...
(rotating head in clockwise and counter-wise repeatedly with eyes wide open for a whole minute)
Alrite! Now all of you get back to work! Cameraman! action! Producer! Get back to ur chair! You! Who the f are you??? Oh sorry! the celebrity that we are going to host! Hic! Excuse plz!
Huck: Ladies and Gentlemen! Welcome to the show that you have all loved to see succeed, Huck's talk show! To continue with our honorable producer's show of strength of teamwork et al, I now request all of you to stand up and observe two minutes of silence!
Producer: You can't ask all our million viewers to stand up! You are on TV!
Huck: We are LIVE ain't we? and there are people watching us LIVE? ain't they? So why can't I ask them to stand up? am communicating LIVE to them. ain't I?
Producer: But still...
Huck: Let me give you an analogy! I just love analogies! You go to a theater. Say they are screening a very patriotic movie. There's a voice over the speaker saying, we are going to play the National Anthem now. All rise! You can't see the speaker, but you oblige don't you?
Producer: I suppose, I would!
Huck: There! I rest my case!
Screen flashing: Huck's talk show is now observing a two minute silence. If you would like to join, please rise up and observe it with us wherever you might be...
You may remain seated if you are handicapped, but if you don't like to be discriminated, we encourage you to call your medical practitioner within the next 1 minute and 54 seconds and counting down for medical advice on what to do... (fine print: all outgoing calls made during this period will be charged at an additional 3rs/sec)
2 minutes elapse
Screen flashing: Amen!
Huck: Welcome back! Wasn't that a sort of first for live telly?
Cameraman: Not really! I've seen shows of God on TV and I've seen people prostrate before the Telly!
Huck: Wow! That would take some beating!
(Thinking hard)
Huck: Yep! That would *definitely* take some f****** beating to do!
Producer: Welcome! After our disastrous foray into dance shoes, oops shows, we've received more than 2000 SMS'es in the no advertised. 1999 of them cribbed against our terrible performance and threatened to sue us with legal action, if we continued to host dance shows! There was however one heart-whelming SMS, though which praised the show as 'magnificento' and admired all the judges and asked us to continue doing the good work that we were doing! However since we like to get to the bottom of things, we hired a private investigator to figure out who this solitary admirer was and the message was traced to a secret second mobile owned by Huck! Since then, I've had a war of words with Huck and the media quick to pounce on anything and sensationalize stuff broke out the news of a falling between Huck and me. I want to re-iterate that though we have our differences (pretty large ones too!), we are a team! and we will remain a team! Over to Huck!
Huck: Thank you! (sobbing with a hanky) That was a very emotional moment. I don't know what to say. ...
(rotating head in clockwise and counter-wise repeatedly with eyes wide open for a whole minute)
Alrite! Now all of you get back to work! Cameraman! action! Producer! Get back to ur chair! You! Who the f are you??? Oh sorry! the celebrity that we are going to host! Hic! Excuse plz!
Huck: Ladies and Gentlemen! Welcome to the show that you have all loved to see succeed, Huck's talk show! To continue with our honorable producer's show of strength of teamwork et al, I now request all of you to stand up and observe two minutes of silence!
Producer: You can't ask all our million viewers to stand up! You are on TV!
Huck: We are LIVE ain't we? and there are people watching us LIVE? ain't they? So why can't I ask them to stand up? am communicating LIVE to them. ain't I?
Producer: But still...
Huck: Let me give you an analogy! I just love analogies! You go to a theater. Say they are screening a very patriotic movie. There's a voice over the speaker saying, we are going to play the National Anthem now. All rise! You can't see the speaker, but you oblige don't you?
Producer: I suppose, I would!
Huck: There! I rest my case!
Screen flashing: Huck's talk show is now observing a two minute silence. If you would like to join, please rise up and observe it with us wherever you might be...
You may remain seated if you are handicapped, but if you don't like to be discriminated, we encourage you to call your medical practitioner within the next 1 minute and 54 seconds and counting down for medical advice on what to do... (fine print: all outgoing calls made during this period will be charged at an additional 3rs/sec)
2 minutes elapse
Screen flashing: Amen!
Huck: Welcome back! Wasn't that a sort of first for live telly?
Cameraman: Not really! I've seen shows of God on TV and I've seen people prostrate before the Telly!
Huck: Wow! That would take some beating!
(Thinking hard)
Huck: Yep! That would *definitely* take some f****** beating to do!
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Talk shows and now dance shoes! - IV
Live on Television
Producer: Welcome! You've all seen Huck's (very_soft_tone) my (/end_soft_tone) talk shows rise to incredible heights. We thought we'll cash in on the popularity and migrate over to dance shows now. Huck declined to host this show though!
Audience: Boo! Boooooooo!
Producer: So we have done away with hosting! No hosts for this show, only judges and on his own request, he's now a judge on the show!
Audience: Yayyyyyyyyy!
Producer: Alrite over to the judges. My 2 mins is up. :(
Huck: Welcome all! My co-judges today are Ms. Diana, a fair maiden and an accomplished dancer herself and Mr. Fara, a fair minded libran. For the benefit of the audience, let me re-iterate that am a nobody at dancing and am in direct competition with Fara here on staking a claim for the award of zilch knowledge on dancing. So let's hope that the fair maiden can salvage some pride for the judges!
Fara: Can't you cut down on your honesty a bit??
Huck: Oh! Come on! My fair minded friend. It will be fine!
Diana: Let the dances begin!
Huck: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
1 guy dancing for 3 minutes
Diana: That was splendid! Refreshing beginning to the program. Congratulations!
Fara: Awesome! Very well done indeed!
Diana: (to Huck in a low voice) Huck wake up! wake up!
Huck: (waking up): (to Diana in a hushed tone) what's the verdict?
Diana: (to Huck in a hushed tone): good
Huck: (clapping rapidly) Good! great! well done!
Contestant 1: Thank you judges!
1 gal dancing for 3 minutes
Diana: The previous dancer has set a benchmark. Am afraid you didn't get till there, but all the same very well done! Some of your moves, esp those snakey ones were superb!
Fara: Awesome! Like Diana said, not there, but still pretty good
Huck: (Fully awake): You call that dancing? The chemistry was totally missing!
Diana: (to Huck in a hushed voice): you can't crib about chemistry when there is a solo dancer!
Huck: I can't? Damn! (to contestant) Physics too! Totally amiss!
Contestant 2: (crying and leaving the stage) I hate you Huck!
Huck: really? Wow! I can make someone hate me in just under 5 seconds! Must be a new record!
Diana: (smiling at Huck and nodding) Hmm Impressive. Very Impressive...
1 guy dancing for 1.5 minutes
Diana: (About to say something)
Huck: (Taking a cue) Hold on! Hold on! You call that dancing? That's preposterous!
Producer: Can't we atleast let him finish his routine? He's got his 3 minutes of fame.
Huck: No way! I am not subjecting my viewers to this kind of trash! I would rather that they listen to my expert comments than watching such rubbish in the name of dancing
Diana: Huck please. He was not that bad!
Huck: No Diana. I know you could'nt bear him. You were about to say the same in milder terms
Diana: I was about to appreciate that particular move he just made. I was going to say 'magnificento'
Huck: You were?
Fara: Why do you jump to conclusions so quickly? It was magnificento
Huck: Fara, Do you even know what maginificento means? Alrite. Magnificento it was! damn!
Diana: Contestant no 3, please continue.
contestant 3 dancing for 1.5 minutes
Diana: Well done! Magnificento! By far the best exhibition I have seen so far on stage!
Fara: Awesome! Magnificento! Words fail me! so excuse me!
Diana and Fara: (Looking at Huck) Huck?
Huck: (in a low voice) I feel very weak! (/end_low_voice) Good job man! And... nice shoes! And you know what? To make up for my earlier rubbish, I award you 11 points out of my allocated 10! Happy?
Diana and Fara: You can't do that! All of us have just 10 points
Huck: I can't? Who else has points to spare? (looking around)
Producer: Don't look at me! I am just a mere producer
Huck: Alrite! (to contestant) Tell you what? We'll do one point carry-over for you next round! Yeah? You like that? Eh? You are smiling! So I suppose you *do* like that!
Huck: (to Diana) How did I handle that? Wasn't that impressive?
Diana: No you moron! you ought to have awarded him a free selection in the next round. One chiller point is worthless! It's like 50 paise now, it's lost it's value already!
Huck: Oh! I'll try to remember that, but strange are the ways of this world!
Fara: Which planet are you from anyway???
Huck: The same f****** planet that you are from!
Producer: Damn! I thought this was going to be a very well behaved show, but he was warming up and he's just started! f***! f***! f***!
Backstage
Contestant 1: Alrite! What's the verdict?
Contestant 2: Diana gets 10 in my book. Fara gets 9! Atleast he echoes her sentiments
Contestant 3: I second that!
Contestant 1: Aye! we are in agreement. and Huck?
Contestant 2: -10, assuming that there can't be a worser rating than that
Contestant 3: No there is something worse. We can refuse to rate him! And let's carry over the refusal to all subsequent shows also!
Contestant 1: Aye! Are we in agreement?
All Contestants: Aye!
Producer: Welcome! You've all seen Huck's (very_soft_tone) my (/end_soft_tone) talk shows rise to incredible heights. We thought we'll cash in on the popularity and migrate over to dance shows now. Huck declined to host this show though!
Audience: Boo! Boooooooo!
Producer: So we have done away with hosting! No hosts for this show, only judges and on his own request, he's now a judge on the show!
Audience: Yayyyyyyyyy!
Producer: Alrite over to the judges. My 2 mins is up. :(
Huck: Welcome all! My co-judges today are Ms. Diana, a fair maiden and an accomplished dancer herself and Mr. Fara, a fair minded libran. For the benefit of the audience, let me re-iterate that am a nobody at dancing and am in direct competition with Fara here on staking a claim for the award of zilch knowledge on dancing. So let's hope that the fair maiden can salvage some pride for the judges!
Fara: Can't you cut down on your honesty a bit??
Huck: Oh! Come on! My fair minded friend. It will be fine!
Diana: Let the dances begin!
Huck: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
1 guy dancing for 3 minutes
Diana: That was splendid! Refreshing beginning to the program. Congratulations!
Fara: Awesome! Very well done indeed!
Diana: (to Huck in a low voice) Huck wake up! wake up!
Huck: (waking up): (to Diana in a hushed tone) what's the verdict?
Diana: (to Huck in a hushed tone): good
Huck: (clapping rapidly) Good! great! well done!
Contestant 1: Thank you judges!
1 gal dancing for 3 minutes
Diana: The previous dancer has set a benchmark. Am afraid you didn't get till there, but all the same very well done! Some of your moves, esp those snakey ones were superb!
Fara: Awesome! Like Diana said, not there, but still pretty good
Huck: (Fully awake): You call that dancing? The chemistry was totally missing!
Diana: (to Huck in a hushed voice): you can't crib about chemistry when there is a solo dancer!
Huck: I can't? Damn! (to contestant) Physics too! Totally amiss!
Contestant 2: (crying and leaving the stage) I hate you Huck!
Huck: really? Wow! I can make someone hate me in just under 5 seconds! Must be a new record!
Diana: (smiling at Huck and nodding) Hmm Impressive. Very Impressive...
1 guy dancing for 1.5 minutes
Diana: (About to say something)
Huck: (Taking a cue) Hold on! Hold on! You call that dancing? That's preposterous!
Producer: Can't we atleast let him finish his routine? He's got his 3 minutes of fame.
Huck: No way! I am not subjecting my viewers to this kind of trash! I would rather that they listen to my expert comments than watching such rubbish in the name of dancing
Diana: Huck please. He was not that bad!
Huck: No Diana. I know you could'nt bear him. You were about to say the same in milder terms
Diana: I was about to appreciate that particular move he just made. I was going to say 'magnificento'
Huck: You were?
Fara: Why do you jump to conclusions so quickly? It was magnificento
Huck: Fara, Do you even know what maginificento means? Alrite. Magnificento it was! damn!
Diana: Contestant no 3, please continue.
contestant 3 dancing for 1.5 minutes
Diana: Well done! Magnificento! By far the best exhibition I have seen so far on stage!
Fara: Awesome! Magnificento! Words fail me! so excuse me!
Diana and Fara: (Looking at Huck) Huck?
Huck: (in a low voice) I feel very weak! (/end_low_voice) Good job man! And... nice shoes! And you know what? To make up for my earlier rubbish, I award you 11 points out of my allocated 10! Happy?
Diana and Fara: You can't do that! All of us have just 10 points
Huck: I can't? Who else has points to spare? (looking around)
Producer: Don't look at me! I am just a mere producer
Huck: Alrite! (to contestant) Tell you what? We'll do one point carry-over for you next round! Yeah? You like that? Eh? You are smiling! So I suppose you *do* like that!
Huck: (to Diana) How did I handle that? Wasn't that impressive?
Diana: No you moron! you ought to have awarded him a free selection in the next round. One chiller point is worthless! It's like 50 paise now, it's lost it's value already!
Huck: Oh! I'll try to remember that, but strange are the ways of this world!
Fara: Which planet are you from anyway???
Huck: The same f****** planet that you are from!
Producer: Damn! I thought this was going to be a very well behaved show, but he was warming up and he's just started! f***! f***! f***!
Backstage
Contestant 1: Alrite! What's the verdict?
Contestant 2: Diana gets 10 in my book. Fara gets 9! Atleast he echoes her sentiments
Contestant 3: I second that!
Contestant 1: Aye! we are in agreement. and Huck?
Contestant 2: -10, assuming that there can't be a worser rating than that
Contestant 3: No there is something worse. We can refuse to rate him! And let's carry over the refusal to all subsequent shows also!
Contestant 1: Aye! Are we in agreement?
All Contestants: Aye!
Saturday, July 25, 2009
A talk with the talk show host - III
Reporter: Welcome! Today We are interviewing a young TV host, who seems to have created waves with his first two sensational talk shows. Both the shows garnered a very high TRP rating, that it has broken all the past records. Welcome to the show, Huck!
Huck: So the interviewer is being interviewed now? eh?
Reporter: You sure are! So tell me how big is the queue of advertisers knocking at your door now?
Huck: Ha Ha. That's one of the ironies of life. For the first show we had only one advertiser, a soapy guy and for the second show, the first one backed out and we found another, a chewy guy and till this date, we have only that one! So we've had to make do with ingenious ways to keep ourselves afloat. Want a chewing gum? (offering the brand)
Reporter: Heh. No Thanks!, but that's rather strange. It's stranger than what would be, if someone were to tell me that our building is now being invaded by aliens!
Huck: Heh! No it isn't. You see, our show is immensely popular, but advertisers are wary of who they want to be associated with. Almost all of them don't want to be associated with a show which over-uses the 'f' word
Reporter: So why don't you cut down on that? You do, If I may say so over-use the 'f' word to an enormous degree!
Huck: Heh Heh I know! :)
Reporter: Are you going to cut down on it then?
Huck: Not if I can help it! There's a reason to the madness. You see, our shows are about freedom, freedom of thought, freedom of speech. We do not wish to be constrained by rules like 'don't use the f word'. yeah? Of course a majority of people lead very disciplined lives and they would find it sorta disgusting, but WTF! Actually you should try it yourself. Try saying it a few times, and you will feel being liberated. Go on! Try it!
10 seconds of silence
Huck: F*** you! come on man!
Reporter: Helpppppppppppp!
Huck: (Being dragged away) F*** you! F*** this interview! F*** it!
Reporter: (Wiping the sweat on his forehead) That concludes our interview ladies and gentlemen. That was one F****** experience! Eh? There I said it!
P.S. This blog is a response to a friend who complained about the very thing this interview focuses on :)
Huck: So the interviewer is being interviewed now? eh?
Reporter: You sure are! So tell me how big is the queue of advertisers knocking at your door now?
Huck: Ha Ha. That's one of the ironies of life. For the first show we had only one advertiser, a soapy guy and for the second show, the first one backed out and we found another, a chewy guy and till this date, we have only that one! So we've had to make do with ingenious ways to keep ourselves afloat. Want a chewing gum? (offering the brand)
Reporter: Heh. No Thanks!, but that's rather strange. It's stranger than what would be, if someone were to tell me that our building is now being invaded by aliens!
Huck: Heh! No it isn't. You see, our show is immensely popular, but advertisers are wary of who they want to be associated with. Almost all of them don't want to be associated with a show which over-uses the 'f' word
Reporter: So why don't you cut down on that? You do, If I may say so over-use the 'f' word to an enormous degree!
Huck: Heh Heh I know! :)
Reporter: Are you going to cut down on it then?
Huck: Not if I can help it! There's a reason to the madness. You see, our shows are about freedom, freedom of thought, freedom of speech. We do not wish to be constrained by rules like 'don't use the f word'. yeah? Of course a majority of people lead very disciplined lives and they would find it sorta disgusting, but WTF! Actually you should try it yourself. Try saying it a few times, and you will feel being liberated. Go on! Try it!
10 seconds of silence
Huck: F*** you! come on man!
Reporter: Helpppppppppppp!
Huck: (Being dragged away) F*** you! F*** this interview! F*** it!
Reporter: (Wiping the sweat on his forehead) That concludes our interview ladies and gentlemen. That was one F****** experience! Eh? There I said it!
P.S. This blog is a response to a friend who complained about the very thing this interview focuses on :)
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