How to take over the blogosphere

I've not been blogging for some time...

Of course, there's not much of an audience for this blog anyway. So there's none really buzzing(s-cusey the pun) to say they missed reading what I write. So while I contemplated on how to increase the viewership, I embarked on a secret project (codenamed: blogslog) and for the very first time in the history of mankind and womankind, am publishing the results 'royalty free'

Under no circumstances will I be held responsible should anything happen to you if you use the results of my cutting edge 'original' research. Of course no warranty or post production support is provided.

Title: How to take over the blogosphere

Abstract:

The good blogs engage in a form of mutual back scratching with other bloggers and well that sort of grows faster than

a) How a bunch of baddies join hands in movies to take on the Hero
b) Bamboos!
c) watching your frustration grow at seeing an advt that you saw just minutes ago!
d) Rajnikanth being able to light a fire with his gaze

My friend. My friend. My friend.
A this is B, B this is A. What me? Am the AB!
His friend. Her friend. You know that friend? His friends. His friend's friends. Her friends. Her friend's friends. Friends of friends. Their friends. you get the idea? While you ponder over the idea, scusey back scratching time... scratch scratch scratch. OK. Where were we? Are we big enough? Seems like it. What he's bigger than me? Scusey scratch scratch scratch. There?

'Am I big now?'
'No He's still ahead by a mile. Damn!'

Tring Tring.

'Am sick at home.'(interpret as I need time to do some scratching)
'OK take care'
scratch scratch scratch scratch scratch.
'Did you have your tablets?'
'Yes I did. Call later. am feeling tired' (with all the scratching ...)
scratch scratch scratch scratch.

Mirror mirror on the wall, who's the biggest of them all now?
'You of course! esp after you took a sick day and went one up on the competition. You win the best scraper, err. scratcher, err. celebrity award for the year!'

Note: The above process is a ISO 9000S certified process (The S stands for 'Social') and can be witnessed on good blogging sites, micro blogging sites a.k.a twitter

personal attacks

Invariably, at some point in time, you would meet someone, who has the audacity to self proclaim themselves as a health expert with an acute eye for observation and tell you

"My My! Look at you! Look how thin you have become"

First I thought that they reserved such statements only for me, but apparently it's become more like a "Hello How are you" kind of statement now-a-days. Most of them also equate thin-ness to be a sign of being in the doldrums. It is a sad world, where fatness is associated with prosperity. Protest is futile, for irrespective of how much weight you manage to put on, you will hear the same. If you don't believe me, read this post from the beginning all over again.

I used to wonder how can educated folks be so crass, insensitive and stupid. I have rather painfully come to realize that education has nothing to do with it. Education is like a sword. How you use it is solely up to you. Whether you want to slay people with it or whether you want to take on where Robin Hood left, is up to you.

Here are a few ways to tackle these self diagnosed medical, ahem quacks?

A: My My! Look at you! Look how thin you are!
Huck: What's your problem?
A: This ain't healthy man!
Huck: So you associate being fat with health?
A: Of course! Also with prosperity!
Huck: Well then I suggest that you settle down in Japan, marry a sumo wrestler and have sumo kids. I even have great names for your kids, sumo Jr., sumoya, sumoyi, ...



B: My My! Look at you! How thin you are!
Huck: Sadly I wish I could say the same about you. but am sorry! You are just way too bloated out of control that you look like you are going to burst any moment. We are going to have a hell of a time cleaning the floor. Careful! walk slowly!

C: My My! Look at you! How thin you are! You ain't going to get married looking like this!
Huck: I know! Am specifically trying to keep your species away!


D: My My! Look at you! How thin you are!
Huck: Do you have 300 Rs?
D: Yes. I do. why?
Huck: There's a shop in C.M.H road which sells mirrors. You need a mirror very very badly to look at the state you are in. It's unbelievable. I just can't describe it. Please do yourself a favor. buy the mirror!

E: My My! Look at you! How thin you are!
[silence]
E: No reply?
Huck: Well I ain't like you. I don't make personal comments against other people.
E: Huh? I am pretty thick-skinned to fall for that!
Huck: [silence]

F: My My! Look at you! How thin you are!
[mischievous smile]
F: What?
[longer mischievous smile]

G: My My! Look at you! How thin you are!
Huck: Yes. I can't match you there, but I betcha you can't match me in another.
G: What's that?
Huck: In temper. Now shut the f*** up, a******.


This is my all-time favourite

H: My My! Look at you!
Huck: STOP!
H: Why?
Huck: You were going to say How thin you are. right?
H: Hey! How did you know?
Huck: I always knew you had nothing original about you ;)
  
On a related note,
Here are a few good things that you *can* say when you meet people.

A: Hey! How's it going?
Huck: Cool! You look awesome
A: You too man! as usual!

B: Hey! Long time no see! There's a glow on your face! What's cooking?
Huck: It's just having you as a good friend, buddy! :)


Spread the joy folks! The world sure needs it!

Breaking the queue breakers

We see it all around us. jumping at queues. At bus stops, at train stations, at ATM queues, heck even at office canteens! [you probably are wondering what kind of a company am in, but that's the way it is]. Queue jumping is an art. A few glib talking ones just charm their way in. A few act as brutes due to their sheer size. A few talk in a local lingo to buy favors with the guy who's serving the queue. and yet a few more use the familiar 'handkerchief' method.

For the uninitiated, the handkerchief method is an age old tradition, that probably originated at bus stops. The act involves running all around the bus, trying to find an empty seat and throwing your handkerchief onto the seat through an open window. Then you can board the bus at leisure and claim the seat as all yours, cause the 'handkerchief' method expects total allegiance. You thought you could question it? Ha! think again.

There is a subtle form of this used in queue jumping too. It's so subtle, that you would fail to recognize it. Welcome to the modern world incarnation of the 'handkerchief' method. You can join a queue at a spot in the queue, where you already know someone. You might ask what's the big deal? They are part of a group anyway. Yes, but we aren't talking about big groups at amusement parks here. We are talking about people employing this day in and day out at every common place, that you visit, taking unfair advantage. It gets to you after a point, especially when you take the pains to take care that you don't do that. So I figured there might be a few people like me, who might need help in confronting the queue jumpers. So here it goes,


'The official Huck's list to breaking the queue breakers'

1. Look in the offender's eye. That scares most people. Yes it does, as most people do have a conscience and this 'looking in the eye' brings it out, and makes them more hesitant.
2. If you look like Hulk, then pretend to 'roll up' your sleeves. Grit your teeth. Show that you are breathing heavily and act as if you are controlling your best, your real best to control the aggression that can explode any moment. Be sure to fake it well, otherwise the only thing that's going to explode is laughter all around!
3. Exclaim WTF??? in a loud voice. If it didn't work, put your hands on your hips and exclaim WTF again! Still no luck? Try, "F***". no? "F*** you!". That should work!
   
4. Break out of the queue and perform the break-in just in front of the offender, just to show, how worthless the act was. Encourage everyone who was staying behind you in the queue to just follow your lead and break-in, and push the offender so far back. It might serve him right to push him back even farther than where he would have joined, cause queues do keep growing!
5. Carry around a dirty handkerchief and a certificate of merit. Walk around to the offender and ask him for his name. Fill it on the certificate, make sure to sign it! and hand it to him with a impromptu smile and a salute!. The dirty handkerchief is meant to serve as his lifelong memento for his contributions to honoring an age old tradition! If you have only a clean hanky, make sure to sneeze in it one last time, before handing it over! We must not upset traditions!
6. Walk up to the person and ask him for a picture. Tell him/her, that a paper is offering serious money for pictures of people breaking queues. Make sure you get a 'cheesy' picture! The offender might not give up the place, but you sure will feel gooooooood!
   
7. On a side note, if the person behind you in the queue is constantly falling over you, turn back and ask 'Hey! are you gay or what? I am sorry that I am not your type, so look elsewhere!'. [I'll leave it to you to use gay/lesbian/sex-maniac, depending on the actual context, you are in.]
   
8. Just talk to anyone in random, and exclaim in a loud voice, so the offender can hear you clearly, 'There goes one more'
9. Just stand put, imagine yourself doing any of the above and smile it off!