Monday, July 13, 2009

A satire on relationships

Live on Television

Huck: Welcome to Huck's talk show. Today's theme is about something which affects all of us, and yes I mean all of us. So pay attention and keep your hands off the remote! Yes Ladies and Gentleman, today we are going to talk about relationships, and specifically the relationship associated with your better half. We have amongst our distinguished panel

Mr A - Arranged Marriage Specialist, and a rather soft spoken gentleman, who blissfully got married the arranged marriage way. His wife's somewhere in the audience. Camera! Can you zoom across?
Producer: We can't find her.
Huck: Never mind! Let's continue with our panel.
Mrs. L - Love Marriage Specialist, who has fallen in love and out of love quite a few times. Err... Currently are you in there or out of there?
Ms S - Single and eligible, like millions of us. Sexy, confident, sophisticated, ok ok. I'll stop and try my luck after the show!
Mr B - The bachelor, for life, like a few of us. Abrasive, logical and cynical

Welcome to the show all of you.
Let me initiate proceedings by going for an advt break.

Mother: Can you buy a soap and come?
Daughter: Sure Mommy
Mother: Oh I didn't tell her what soap to buy. She could buy some rotten soap and then it could break her confidence. Damn! I am ruining my daughter's life! Double Damn! I must be the worst mom in the whole wide world
Daughter: Mommy! I got this one! (holding up a green bar of soap)
Mother: Wow! She got the right one! Ain't I the best mom in the whole wide universe?
Audience in background: Damn color again! Now that's one racial advt.!

Welcome back!

Huck: B, why do you wish to remain a bachelor for life?
B: Relationships suck man! They suck big time. Look here at the audience. I managed to do a lil survey during that rotten ad break. 45% of them are divorced. 35% are contemplating divorce. So that makes it 45+35 . Anyone got a calculator?
Someone from the audience: That's 80%
B: Yes. Yes Thank you. 80%. That leaves 20%, out of which 10% are single and so that leaves 10%. Out of that 5% are newly married couples, who are in the 'warm fuzzy feelings' phase, soon to be replaced with 'rude shock period'. So 5% are say, blissfully married, and in all probability are blissfully unaware of what a relationship is. So you see what I am getting at?

S: Damn you B! Don't be so pessimistic. Look at me!
B: I looked at you sexy! you are pretty good, but not good enough for me to jump into relationships.
S: F*** you! I meant look at my confidence.
B: Confidence??? You??? @$@%

Huck: People, People! We are live on national television. Please moderate your f***ing language. The world surely doesn't need to pick up words like [beep], [beep-beep], [beep-beep-beep] from us! Let's move on to milder topics. Mr A, do you think arranged marriages are better than love marriages?

A: Of course they are! you see they give a lot of security
L: If you want security, hire a f**** security guard! Arranged marriages are only good for people who don't have the confidence in their own decisions
A: I disagree strongly
L: Freaking hell! Who cares whether you disagree strongly or weakly? Now just shut up moron!
Huck: Please L, you will get your turn. Now shut the f*** up. Mr A, can you tell us about the arranged marriage process itself?

A: That's simple. The two horoscopes first meet each other. Then the two fotos meet each other. If they like each other, then the two families meet, and if they like each other, then the two people meet. So you see the two people are wrapped in a security cocoon engulfed by families, society, photos and horoscopes.
Huck: Interesting. so if something goes wrong? You can blame the cocoon?
A: Well I suppose you could,... partly
L: Ain't that so convenient?
Huck: Mrs L, How did you meet your husband?
L: Oh I met him online. We were chatting for ages and then we met and then we decided to take the plunge.
Huck: So your family just accepted? Huh?
L: There were a lot of protests, as all of them subscribe to the theory of Mr. A here, but we hung on and it worked out
Huck: so there's no security. What do you do when you have a fight?
L: Oh I freaking throw all the kitchen utensils at him and I win all the time! He can't catch for nothing!
A: See that's what am talking about. Our security blanket would catch all kinds. Stainless steel, metal, anything, you name it!
L: (ignoring) We have a make up period and that binds us closer. We can think back to our first meeting, which was truly glorious and our frowns are quickly replaced with smiles! What do you think about? How the arian ram and the taurian bull liked each other snorting in the horoscopes??? (Audience laughing)

Huck: While we have everyone laughing, let's take another quick short break.

2 seconds later

Huck: Offhand, S I must say you are really very very sexy
S: (blushing) Thank you!
Huck: Whats happening? I thought we are taking an advt break! Damn you people!
Producer: There are no more advertisements Huck! All your shows suck anyway and we are in recession, so people simply don't care for your show. Get on with it!

Huck: aww! What the hell? Alrite. Welcome back folks!
Huck: S, you have seen what A and L have indicated. you are single and most eligible. What would you choose?
S: Frankly I don't know. I am open to both. I just see both as avenues to meet people
Huck: That's a nice (and comforting) attitude to have. Mr B, your comments?
B: She has no clue what she's getting into. Personally I advise you to stay away from relationships. Stay with me, and I will teach you all about how relationships suck.
S: You mean, you want me to get into a relationship with you, so you can warn me about how relationships suck in general? Man you are weird! (To Huck) Can we take him off the show? He makes me nervous!
B: Weird, but adventurous!
Huck: Mr A, If you had a chance to marry again, would you opt for a love (interrupted)
(someone in audience shouting) damn you A. Don't even think about it
Huck: Now L, you had indicated that you had fallen in love and out of love a few times. Can you explain how that works? Isn't love forever?
L: Well, you see. It's rather complicated
A: Aaha! Love! my foot!
L: falling in love is very natural. and like what goes up comes down, falling out of love is even more natural.
Huck: So how do you manage then?
L: Well, every time we fall out, we meet over coffee and talk things out and we tell ourselves that we'll work harder again, but we don't give up and we don't look at no crappy cocoon to save us. If I had one wish in the world, I would wish for a rocket launcher and blast it right through A's cocoon
A: Now that's a foul personal attack. I protest!
Huck: I see. Do you wish to file a complaint in writing?
A: I sure would, but I have to get permission from my cocoon first. Can it wait?
Huck: S, suppose you were say to fall in love with say B, how would you propose to him?
S: On my foot! I despise him! totally #$%#^#$%#
B: The feelings mutual lady!

Huck: Producer, can we at least take a water break? My throat's parched!
Producer: What's the conclusion of the show?
Huck: Ladies and Gentleman, you have seen all the arguments. Like all talk shows, we just bring people to the show and have a good time getting them to fight. So ultimately the show's crap. Just do whatever works for you! Thanks one and all!


S: You were very impressive!
Huck: Thank you! I suppose you see talk shows also as avenues to meet people eh? :)

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