Live on Television
Huck: Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Huck's talk show!
Producer: Are you going to tell them or not?
Huck: I am worried about the reactions, but anyways here goes.
brief pause and heavy breathing
Huck: Folks, we've run into problems with the censor board, the wildlife protection group, the red cross group, the income tax department, the education ministry, women's rights groups, national human rights commission, political groups and the association of 'well behaved people' (Who even knew they existed???).
All these groups have criticized the show for it's dripping satire and sarcasm. A few of us have been threatened with dire consequences, if we continued to host this show. A few of us have received murder threats. I now read out a long list of threats, comments that we have received.
Censor Board: Who the f*** gave you a certificate to host a show with so many f****** comments in it? f***, whoever granted the f****** certificate!
Wild-life protection group: There were no animals used in any of your shows! What role do we have in society if you are not planning to use any animals/birds? Unless you want to use them, our signatures are rendered obsolete! We, the wild-life protection group, are becoming an endangered species because of your senseless acts!
Education ministry: We condemn the episode on education. It made a motal tockery of education. Further sex education was not covered and was deemed out of syllabus. violation of protocol.
Income Tax: All those SMS's - the money that you raked in, have you paid tax on that? That swivel chair, that your producer uses, is that imported? What about the advts? How can a show be so popular and have only one advt? Where are the funds coming from? Swiss/Cayman Islands? Where are your accounts? Where is ...
(The list of questions runs to a 400 page document, but you get the general idea...)
Women's rights: In the dance show, the woman received less points than both the men. We condemn this outrageous act. This was a classic case of gender discrimination. We have filed a complaint with the national human rights commission.
National Human rights commission: We have received a complaint from the Women's rights groups. We are investigating it and you should soon be receiving a detailed notice. You have been warned! We will approach you to take your statements, where-ever you might be (We think the likely place would be a Jail, though)
Red cross: Not one paisa was contributed to charity. A show this popular, and so greedy. The gluttonous producer and the menacing uncouth Huck make only personal attacks against people and do not contribute anything back to society!
Political Group 1: I made a telephone call during the dance show to make my nephew (contestant 1) win. Why didn't he win? Boy! are you in trouble now!
Political Group 2: Did you know that Mr. IKL from your talk show is from the minority caste? Do you have any idea what that means? Tuesday will be a bandh to condemn your action in public!
Political Group 3: We deplore this talk show. This show is against our culture. Our culture is being vandalized by this show. (Come on my men! Let's vandalize their studio in return!)
Death Threat 1: Shut down shop and go abroad and settle, before it's too late.
Death Threat 2: We are from the underworld. Congratulations! You have received a promotion and now are no 1. and no. 2 on the hit list. The producer is no.1 and Huck is no.2. We are however flexible and willing to swap these positions, if you so desire. Wondering what the difference between these two positions are? Hmm. we would say about a minute or so!
Death Threat 3: Do you like to be burnt or buried? Our preference is to burn you. We can save some money on the caskets that way.
Association of Well behaved people: (letter follows)
Esteemed and Honorable Producer and Dear Huck,
It is with the deepest apologies that we have to write such a letter to both your respected selves. We find the content on the talk shows very disturbing. Please note that we love both of you. It is only the content that disturbs us. If you could please change the format of the show to be slightly more polite, we would be forever in your debt.
Thanking you,
Looking forward to a favorable reply from your respected selves
Mr. KF
President,
Association of well behaved people
Huck: There you have it!
Obviously we can't fight all these groups. We have neither the time nor the inclination, and so sadly, it is with great pain that we have to announce that there will be only one more final talk show, that will be telecast live around the world on Aug 15 2009!
The day India celebrates it's independence, we will be losing it (satirical laugh)
longer silence
Huck: So much for democracy! Jai Hind!
Monday, August 3, 2009
Thursday, July 30, 2009
A show of strength - V
Live on Television
Producer: Welcome! After our disastrous foray into dance shoes, oops shows, we've received more than 2000 SMS'es in the no advertised. 1999 of them cribbed against our terrible performance and threatened to sue us with legal action, if we continued to host dance shows! There was however one heart-whelming SMS, though which praised the show as 'magnificento' and admired all the judges and asked us to continue doing the good work that we were doing! However since we like to get to the bottom of things, we hired a private investigator to figure out who this solitary admirer was and the message was traced to a secret second mobile owned by Huck! Since then, I've had a war of words with Huck and the media quick to pounce on anything and sensationalize stuff broke out the news of a falling between Huck and me. I want to re-iterate that though we have our differences (pretty large ones too!), we are a team! and we will remain a team! Over to Huck!
Huck: Thank you! (sobbing with a hanky) That was a very emotional moment. I don't know what to say. ...
(rotating head in clockwise and counter-wise repeatedly with eyes wide open for a whole minute)
Alrite! Now all of you get back to work! Cameraman! action! Producer! Get back to ur chair! You! Who the f are you??? Oh sorry! the celebrity that we are going to host! Hic! Excuse plz!
Huck: Ladies and Gentlemen! Welcome to the show that you have all loved to see succeed, Huck's talk show! To continue with our honorable producer's show of strength of teamwork et al, I now request all of you to stand up and observe two minutes of silence!
Producer: You can't ask all our million viewers to stand up! You are on TV!
Huck: We are LIVE ain't we? and there are people watching us LIVE? ain't they? So why can't I ask them to stand up? am communicating LIVE to them. ain't I?
Producer: But still...
Huck: Let me give you an analogy! I just love analogies! You go to a theater. Say they are screening a very patriotic movie. There's a voice over the speaker saying, we are going to play the National Anthem now. All rise! You can't see the speaker, but you oblige don't you?
Producer: I suppose, I would!
Huck: There! I rest my case!
Screen flashing: Huck's talk show is now observing a two minute silence. If you would like to join, please rise up and observe it with us wherever you might be...
You may remain seated if you are handicapped, but if you don't like to be discriminated, we encourage you to call your medical practitioner within the next 1 minute and 54 seconds and counting down for medical advice on what to do... (fine print: all outgoing calls made during this period will be charged at an additional 3rs/sec)
2 minutes elapse
Screen flashing: Amen!
Huck: Welcome back! Wasn't that a sort of first for live telly?
Cameraman: Not really! I've seen shows of God on TV and I've seen people prostrate before the Telly!
Huck: Wow! That would take some beating!
(Thinking hard)
Huck: Yep! That would *definitely* take some f****** beating to do!
Producer: Welcome! After our disastrous foray into dance shoes, oops shows, we've received more than 2000 SMS'es in the no advertised. 1999 of them cribbed against our terrible performance and threatened to sue us with legal action, if we continued to host dance shows! There was however one heart-whelming SMS, though which praised the show as 'magnificento' and admired all the judges and asked us to continue doing the good work that we were doing! However since we like to get to the bottom of things, we hired a private investigator to figure out who this solitary admirer was and the message was traced to a secret second mobile owned by Huck! Since then, I've had a war of words with Huck and the media quick to pounce on anything and sensationalize stuff broke out the news of a falling between Huck and me. I want to re-iterate that though we have our differences (pretty large ones too!), we are a team! and we will remain a team! Over to Huck!
Huck: Thank you! (sobbing with a hanky) That was a very emotional moment. I don't know what to say. ...
(rotating head in clockwise and counter-wise repeatedly with eyes wide open for a whole minute)
Alrite! Now all of you get back to work! Cameraman! action! Producer! Get back to ur chair! You! Who the f are you??? Oh sorry! the celebrity that we are going to host! Hic! Excuse plz!
Huck: Ladies and Gentlemen! Welcome to the show that you have all loved to see succeed, Huck's talk show! To continue with our honorable producer's show of strength of teamwork et al, I now request all of you to stand up and observe two minutes of silence!
Producer: You can't ask all our million viewers to stand up! You are on TV!
Huck: We are LIVE ain't we? and there are people watching us LIVE? ain't they? So why can't I ask them to stand up? am communicating LIVE to them. ain't I?
Producer: But still...
Huck: Let me give you an analogy! I just love analogies! You go to a theater. Say they are screening a very patriotic movie. There's a voice over the speaker saying, we are going to play the National Anthem now. All rise! You can't see the speaker, but you oblige don't you?
Producer: I suppose, I would!
Huck: There! I rest my case!
Screen flashing: Huck's talk show is now observing a two minute silence. If you would like to join, please rise up and observe it with us wherever you might be...
You may remain seated if you are handicapped, but if you don't like to be discriminated, we encourage you to call your medical practitioner within the next 1 minute and 54 seconds and counting down for medical advice on what to do... (fine print: all outgoing calls made during this period will be charged at an additional 3rs/sec)
2 minutes elapse
Screen flashing: Amen!
Huck: Welcome back! Wasn't that a sort of first for live telly?
Cameraman: Not really! I've seen shows of God on TV and I've seen people prostrate before the Telly!
Huck: Wow! That would take some beating!
(Thinking hard)
Huck: Yep! That would *definitely* take some f****** beating to do!
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Talk shows and now dance shoes! - IV
Live on Television
Producer: Welcome! You've all seen Huck's (very_soft_tone) my (/end_soft_tone) talk shows rise to incredible heights. We thought we'll cash in on the popularity and migrate over to dance shows now. Huck declined to host this show though!
Audience: Boo! Boooooooo!
Producer: So we have done away with hosting! No hosts for this show, only judges and on his own request, he's now a judge on the show!
Audience: Yayyyyyyyyy!
Producer: Alrite over to the judges. My 2 mins is up. :(
Huck: Welcome all! My co-judges today are Ms. Diana, a fair maiden and an accomplished dancer herself and Mr. Fara, a fair minded libran. For the benefit of the audience, let me re-iterate that am a nobody at dancing and am in direct competition with Fara here on staking a claim for the award of zilch knowledge on dancing. So let's hope that the fair maiden can salvage some pride for the judges!
Fara: Can't you cut down on your honesty a bit??
Huck: Oh! Come on! My fair minded friend. It will be fine!
Diana: Let the dances begin!
Huck: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
1 guy dancing for 3 minutes
Diana: That was splendid! Refreshing beginning to the program. Congratulations!
Fara: Awesome! Very well done indeed!
Diana: (to Huck in a low voice) Huck wake up! wake up!
Huck: (waking up): (to Diana in a hushed tone) what's the verdict?
Diana: (to Huck in a hushed tone): good
Huck: (clapping rapidly) Good! great! well done!
Contestant 1: Thank you judges!
1 gal dancing for 3 minutes
Diana: The previous dancer has set a benchmark. Am afraid you didn't get till there, but all the same very well done! Some of your moves, esp those snakey ones were superb!
Fara: Awesome! Like Diana said, not there, but still pretty good
Huck: (Fully awake): You call that dancing? The chemistry was totally missing!
Diana: (to Huck in a hushed voice): you can't crib about chemistry when there is a solo dancer!
Huck: I can't? Damn! (to contestant) Physics too! Totally amiss!
Contestant 2: (crying and leaving the stage) I hate you Huck!
Huck: really? Wow! I can make someone hate me in just under 5 seconds! Must be a new record!
Diana: (smiling at Huck and nodding) Hmm Impressive. Very Impressive...
1 guy dancing for 1.5 minutes
Diana: (About to say something)
Huck: (Taking a cue) Hold on! Hold on! You call that dancing? That's preposterous!
Producer: Can't we atleast let him finish his routine? He's got his 3 minutes of fame.
Huck: No way! I am not subjecting my viewers to this kind of trash! I would rather that they listen to my expert comments than watching such rubbish in the name of dancing
Diana: Huck please. He was not that bad!
Huck: No Diana. I know you could'nt bear him. You were about to say the same in milder terms
Diana: I was about to appreciate that particular move he just made. I was going to say 'magnificento'
Huck: You were?
Fara: Why do you jump to conclusions so quickly? It was magnificento
Huck: Fara, Do you even know what maginificento means? Alrite. Magnificento it was! damn!
Diana: Contestant no 3, please continue.
contestant 3 dancing for 1.5 minutes
Diana: Well done! Magnificento! By far the best exhibition I have seen so far on stage!
Fara: Awesome! Magnificento! Words fail me! so excuse me!
Diana and Fara: (Looking at Huck) Huck?
Huck: (in a low voice) I feel very weak! (/end_low_voice) Good job man! And... nice shoes! And you know what? To make up for my earlier rubbish, I award you 11 points out of my allocated 10! Happy?
Diana and Fara: You can't do that! All of us have just 10 points
Huck: I can't? Who else has points to spare? (looking around)
Producer: Don't look at me! I am just a mere producer
Huck: Alrite! (to contestant) Tell you what? We'll do one point carry-over for you next round! Yeah? You like that? Eh? You are smiling! So I suppose you *do* like that!
Huck: (to Diana) How did I handle that? Wasn't that impressive?
Diana: No you moron! you ought to have awarded him a free selection in the next round. One chiller point is worthless! It's like 50 paise now, it's lost it's value already!
Huck: Oh! I'll try to remember that, but strange are the ways of this world!
Fara: Which planet are you from anyway???
Huck: The same f****** planet that you are from!
Producer: Damn! I thought this was going to be a very well behaved show, but he was warming up and he's just started! f***! f***! f***!
Backstage
Contestant 1: Alrite! What's the verdict?
Contestant 2: Diana gets 10 in my book. Fara gets 9! Atleast he echoes her sentiments
Contestant 3: I second that!
Contestant 1: Aye! we are in agreement. and Huck?
Contestant 2: -10, assuming that there can't be a worser rating than that
Contestant 3: No there is something worse. We can refuse to rate him! And let's carry over the refusal to all subsequent shows also!
Contestant 1: Aye! Are we in agreement?
All Contestants: Aye!
Producer: Welcome! You've all seen Huck's (very_soft_tone) my (/end_soft_tone) talk shows rise to incredible heights. We thought we'll cash in on the popularity and migrate over to dance shows now. Huck declined to host this show though!
Audience: Boo! Boooooooo!
Producer: So we have done away with hosting! No hosts for this show, only judges and on his own request, he's now a judge on the show!
Audience: Yayyyyyyyyy!
Producer: Alrite over to the judges. My 2 mins is up. :(
Huck: Welcome all! My co-judges today are Ms. Diana, a fair maiden and an accomplished dancer herself and Mr. Fara, a fair minded libran. For the benefit of the audience, let me re-iterate that am a nobody at dancing and am in direct competition with Fara here on staking a claim for the award of zilch knowledge on dancing. So let's hope that the fair maiden can salvage some pride for the judges!
Fara: Can't you cut down on your honesty a bit??
Huck: Oh! Come on! My fair minded friend. It will be fine!
Diana: Let the dances begin!
Huck: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
1 guy dancing for 3 minutes
Diana: That was splendid! Refreshing beginning to the program. Congratulations!
Fara: Awesome! Very well done indeed!
Diana: (to Huck in a low voice) Huck wake up! wake up!
Huck: (waking up): (to Diana in a hushed tone) what's the verdict?
Diana: (to Huck in a hushed tone): good
Huck: (clapping rapidly) Good! great! well done!
Contestant 1: Thank you judges!
1 gal dancing for 3 minutes
Diana: The previous dancer has set a benchmark. Am afraid you didn't get till there, but all the same very well done! Some of your moves, esp those snakey ones were superb!
Fara: Awesome! Like Diana said, not there, but still pretty good
Huck: (Fully awake): You call that dancing? The chemistry was totally missing!
Diana: (to Huck in a hushed voice): you can't crib about chemistry when there is a solo dancer!
Huck: I can't? Damn! (to contestant) Physics too! Totally amiss!
Contestant 2: (crying and leaving the stage) I hate you Huck!
Huck: really? Wow! I can make someone hate me in just under 5 seconds! Must be a new record!
Diana: (smiling at Huck and nodding) Hmm Impressive. Very Impressive...
1 guy dancing for 1.5 minutes
Diana: (About to say something)
Huck: (Taking a cue) Hold on! Hold on! You call that dancing? That's preposterous!
Producer: Can't we atleast let him finish his routine? He's got his 3 minutes of fame.
Huck: No way! I am not subjecting my viewers to this kind of trash! I would rather that they listen to my expert comments than watching such rubbish in the name of dancing
Diana: Huck please. He was not that bad!
Huck: No Diana. I know you could'nt bear him. You were about to say the same in milder terms
Diana: I was about to appreciate that particular move he just made. I was going to say 'magnificento'
Huck: You were?
Fara: Why do you jump to conclusions so quickly? It was magnificento
Huck: Fara, Do you even know what maginificento means? Alrite. Magnificento it was! damn!
Diana: Contestant no 3, please continue.
contestant 3 dancing for 1.5 minutes
Diana: Well done! Magnificento! By far the best exhibition I have seen so far on stage!
Fara: Awesome! Magnificento! Words fail me! so excuse me!
Diana and Fara: (Looking at Huck) Huck?
Huck: (in a low voice) I feel very weak! (/end_low_voice) Good job man! And... nice shoes! And you know what? To make up for my earlier rubbish, I award you 11 points out of my allocated 10! Happy?
Diana and Fara: You can't do that! All of us have just 10 points
Huck: I can't? Who else has points to spare? (looking around)
Producer: Don't look at me! I am just a mere producer
Huck: Alrite! (to contestant) Tell you what? We'll do one point carry-over for you next round! Yeah? You like that? Eh? You are smiling! So I suppose you *do* like that!
Huck: (to Diana) How did I handle that? Wasn't that impressive?
Diana: No you moron! you ought to have awarded him a free selection in the next round. One chiller point is worthless! It's like 50 paise now, it's lost it's value already!
Huck: Oh! I'll try to remember that, but strange are the ways of this world!
Fara: Which planet are you from anyway???
Huck: The same f****** planet that you are from!
Producer: Damn! I thought this was going to be a very well behaved show, but he was warming up and he's just started! f***! f***! f***!
Backstage
Contestant 1: Alrite! What's the verdict?
Contestant 2: Diana gets 10 in my book. Fara gets 9! Atleast he echoes her sentiments
Contestant 3: I second that!
Contestant 1: Aye! we are in agreement. and Huck?
Contestant 2: -10, assuming that there can't be a worser rating than that
Contestant 3: No there is something worse. We can refuse to rate him! And let's carry over the refusal to all subsequent shows also!
Contestant 1: Aye! Are we in agreement?
All Contestants: Aye!
Saturday, July 25, 2009
A talk with the talk show host - III
Reporter: Welcome! Today We are interviewing a young TV host, who seems to have created waves with his first two sensational talk shows. Both the shows garnered a very high TRP rating, that it has broken all the past records. Welcome to the show, Huck!
Huck: So the interviewer is being interviewed now? eh?
Reporter: You sure are! So tell me how big is the queue of advertisers knocking at your door now?
Huck: Ha Ha. That's one of the ironies of life. For the first show we had only one advertiser, a soapy guy and for the second show, the first one backed out and we found another, a chewy guy and till this date, we have only that one! So we've had to make do with ingenious ways to keep ourselves afloat. Want a chewing gum? (offering the brand)
Reporter: Heh. No Thanks!, but that's rather strange. It's stranger than what would be, if someone were to tell me that our building is now being invaded by aliens!
Huck: Heh! No it isn't. You see, our show is immensely popular, but advertisers are wary of who they want to be associated with. Almost all of them don't want to be associated with a show which over-uses the 'f' word
Reporter: So why don't you cut down on that? You do, If I may say so over-use the 'f' word to an enormous degree!
Huck: Heh Heh I know! :)
Reporter: Are you going to cut down on it then?
Huck: Not if I can help it! There's a reason to the madness. You see, our shows are about freedom, freedom of thought, freedom of speech. We do not wish to be constrained by rules like 'don't use the f word'. yeah? Of course a majority of people lead very disciplined lives and they would find it sorta disgusting, but WTF! Actually you should try it yourself. Try saying it a few times, and you will feel being liberated. Go on! Try it!
10 seconds of silence
Huck: F*** you! come on man!
Reporter: Helpppppppppppp!
Huck: (Being dragged away) F*** you! F*** this interview! F*** it!
Reporter: (Wiping the sweat on his forehead) That concludes our interview ladies and gentlemen. That was one F****** experience! Eh? There I said it!
P.S. This blog is a response to a friend who complained about the very thing this interview focuses on :)
Huck: So the interviewer is being interviewed now? eh?
Reporter: You sure are! So tell me how big is the queue of advertisers knocking at your door now?
Huck: Ha Ha. That's one of the ironies of life. For the first show we had only one advertiser, a soapy guy and for the second show, the first one backed out and we found another, a chewy guy and till this date, we have only that one! So we've had to make do with ingenious ways to keep ourselves afloat. Want a chewing gum? (offering the brand)
Reporter: Heh. No Thanks!, but that's rather strange. It's stranger than what would be, if someone were to tell me that our building is now being invaded by aliens!
Huck: Heh! No it isn't. You see, our show is immensely popular, but advertisers are wary of who they want to be associated with. Almost all of them don't want to be associated with a show which over-uses the 'f' word
Reporter: So why don't you cut down on that? You do, If I may say so over-use the 'f' word to an enormous degree!
Huck: Heh Heh I know! :)
Reporter: Are you going to cut down on it then?
Huck: Not if I can help it! There's a reason to the madness. You see, our shows are about freedom, freedom of thought, freedom of speech. We do not wish to be constrained by rules like 'don't use the f word'. yeah? Of course a majority of people lead very disciplined lives and they would find it sorta disgusting, but WTF! Actually you should try it yourself. Try saying it a few times, and you will feel being liberated. Go on! Try it!
10 seconds of silence
Huck: F*** you! come on man!
Reporter: Helpppppppppppp!
Huck: (Being dragged away) F*** you! F*** this interview! F*** it!
Reporter: (Wiping the sweat on his forehead) That concludes our interview ladies and gentlemen. That was one F****** experience! Eh? There I said it!
P.S. This blog is a response to a friend who complained about the very thing this interview focuses on :)
Sunday, July 19, 2009
By popular demand - Huck's talk show - II
Live on Television
Producer: Welcome to Huck's talk show-II. The first was a roaring success!
Huck: (surprised) It was?
Producer: It was! Frankly all of us here at the studio are quite stupefied at the TRP ratings released. How on Earth did we do it? How on Earth did we go from being a nothing show to the world's greatest show? How on Earth did we ...
Huck: That's enough! I'll take it over from here
Producer: But this is my show
Huck: It's 'Huck's talk show'!
Producer: But I put all the money in it. Can't I get my 2 minutes of fame?
Huck: For the money you've put in, we've given you a state of the art swivel chair. There! (pointing near the curtain). Now get going!
Huck: Ladies and Gentleman, Welcome to (stresses) Huck's (end_stress) talk show!
Audience clapping and not stopping
Producer: Aren't you going to stop them? We are wasting precious air time!
Huck: Heh No way! Let me savour this (eyes closed. arms up as if invoking rain...)
Producer: Camera man! Ignore him and put that 2 minute advt on indiscipline and chewing gum. I feel like spitting at him!
2 minutes later
Huck: Today's talk is about education.
We have amongst our distinguished panel, specially hand picked by me
Dr. Ms. Phd: A Doctor of philosophy. Very distinguished. Very attractive. Very intelligent.
Dr. Mr HD: A Honorary doctorate. He's achieved so much in some field and keeps achieving a lot of things, that they decided to shut him up once and forever by giving him a honorary doctorate.
Mr. IKL: Mr. I know a lot, who has studied the most in his village, i.e. till the 4th standard.
Welcome to the show one and all
Huck: Alrite. It's a free for all! Go!
Phd: I think Mr. IKL has no right to be on the show!
HD: I second that! Both Phd and me are Dr's. What are you?
IKL: Shut up you snobbish f***** up people!. One more word, I am gonna sever your head from your body with my sword!
Huck: Oh my God. How did he smuggle a sword in here? Security Security!
Security: Sorry sir, the x-ray was not working and he looked harmless enough
Huck: How many times should I tell you that appearances are deceptive? Look at me! Do I look like running the greatest show on Earth???
IKL: Shut up Huck
Huck: Take him off! I want no blood on my show.
Producer: (feebly) It's my show
Huck: Shut the f*** up!
IKL: (being dragged out) You'll pay for this! Just you wait until you get out! Am waiting for you! and my sword will be waiting for you!
Huck: There you see ladies and gentleman, that's what a lack of education can bring us to.
HD: True. I would never think of using a sword, when am educated. In fact I'll use dynamite like this one here. see?
Huck: WTF???
HD: All stay put! Freeze! No one move! One move and I'll blow this studio to pieces!
Huck: Seeeeeccccccuuuuuuurrrrrriiiiiiitttttttttyyyyyy!
HD: (being dragged) You'll pay for this! Am waiting for you outside!
Huck: Jesus! (To Phd) What have you got? A missile launcher?
Phd: Nope. I majored in chemistry. I don't like blood.
Huck: Thank God for that! What are we going to do now? We don't have much of a panel here now!
Phd: We could invite our producer and maybe some one from the audience.
Producer: Yes me! me! am ready!
Huck: Producer! No way! He ain't getting on my show! Let him earn it! We'll invite two more people from the audience. Choose a number from 1-10.
Phd: 5
Huck: One more?
Phd: 7
Huck: Ok. Inky pinky ponky, father had a donkey. you! and you! come over here! you are part of our distinguished panel now!
Huck: What's your names?
New comers: Raj and Rakhi
Huck: Eh? Good!
Huck: (Handing over two leaflets) These are the terms and conditions of being a panel on Huck's talk show. Read it and sign it
========================================
Huck's Talk show
Terms and Conditions
---------------------------
- When you are interrupted by Huck, you will shut the f**** up!
- You should allow yourself to be abused/shouted at/harassed by Huck
I have read the terms and conditions and agree to it.
Dated Signature
========================================
Huck: All done? Good! Let's get going. What was the talk about?
Phd: Education
Producer: We are running out of time! You've wasted 30 mins on all your drama!
Huck: Eh? Damn!
Producer: Better conclude it now Huck
Huck: Ladies and Gentleman, due to unforeseen difficulties, today's show had a lot of drama. It's difficult to pinpoint whether Education or lack of it had anything to do with it, but I suppose you'll derive your own conclusions! Thank you for wasting your time with us today! We hope you'll do it again! Bye for now!
Backstage
Huck: Phew! That was one hell of a show
Phd: Finally we are together! I wanted to experiment the new chemical acid that I have on you privately!
Huck: securityyyyyyyyyyy!
Producer: Welcome to Huck's talk show-II. The first was a roaring success!
Huck: (surprised) It was?
Producer: It was! Frankly all of us here at the studio are quite stupefied at the TRP ratings released. How on Earth did we do it? How on Earth did we go from being a nothing show to the world's greatest show? How on Earth did we ...
Huck: That's enough! I'll take it over from here
Producer: But this is my show
Huck: It's 'Huck's talk show'!
Producer: But I put all the money in it. Can't I get my 2 minutes of fame?
Huck: For the money you've put in, we've given you a state of the art swivel chair. There! (pointing near the curtain). Now get going!
Huck: Ladies and Gentleman, Welcome to (stresses) Huck's (end_stress) talk show!
Audience clapping and not stopping
Producer: Aren't you going to stop them? We are wasting precious air time!
Huck: Heh No way! Let me savour this (eyes closed. arms up as if invoking rain...)
Producer: Camera man! Ignore him and put that 2 minute advt on indiscipline and chewing gum. I feel like spitting at him!
2 minutes later
Huck: Today's talk is about education.
We have amongst our distinguished panel, specially hand picked by me
Dr. Ms. Phd: A Doctor of philosophy. Very distinguished. Very attractive. Very intelligent.
Dr. Mr HD: A Honorary doctorate. He's achieved so much in some field and keeps achieving a lot of things, that they decided to shut him up once and forever by giving him a honorary doctorate.
Mr. IKL: Mr. I know a lot, who has studied the most in his village, i.e. till the 4th standard.
Welcome to the show one and all
Huck: Alrite. It's a free for all! Go!
Phd: I think Mr. IKL has no right to be on the show!
HD: I second that! Both Phd and me are Dr's. What are you?
IKL: Shut up you snobbish f***** up people!. One more word, I am gonna sever your head from your body with my sword!
Huck: Oh my God. How did he smuggle a sword in here? Security Security!
Security: Sorry sir, the x-ray was not working and he looked harmless enough
Huck: How many times should I tell you that appearances are deceptive? Look at me! Do I look like running the greatest show on Earth???
IKL: Shut up Huck
Huck: Take him off! I want no blood on my show.
Producer: (feebly) It's my show
Huck: Shut the f*** up!
IKL: (being dragged out) You'll pay for this! Just you wait until you get out! Am waiting for you! and my sword will be waiting for you!
Huck: There you see ladies and gentleman, that's what a lack of education can bring us to.
HD: True. I would never think of using a sword, when am educated. In fact I'll use dynamite like this one here. see?
Huck: WTF???
HD: All stay put! Freeze! No one move! One move and I'll blow this studio to pieces!
Huck: Seeeeeccccccuuuuuuurrrrrriiiiiiitttttttttyyyyyy!
HD: (being dragged) You'll pay for this! Am waiting for you outside!
Huck: Jesus! (To Phd) What have you got? A missile launcher?
Phd: Nope. I majored in chemistry. I don't like blood.
Huck: Thank God for that! What are we going to do now? We don't have much of a panel here now!
Phd: We could invite our producer and maybe some one from the audience.
Producer: Yes me! me! am ready!
Huck: Producer! No way! He ain't getting on my show! Let him earn it! We'll invite two more people from the audience. Choose a number from 1-10.
Phd: 5
Huck: One more?
Phd: 7
Huck: Ok. Inky pinky ponky, father had a donkey. you! and you! come over here! you are part of our distinguished panel now!
Huck: What's your names?
New comers: Raj and Rakhi
Huck: Eh? Good!
Huck: (Handing over two leaflets) These are the terms and conditions of being a panel on Huck's talk show. Read it and sign it
========================================
Huck's Talk show
Terms and Conditions
---------------------------
- When you are interrupted by Huck, you will shut the f**** up!
- You should allow yourself to be abused/shouted at/harassed by Huck
I have read the terms and conditions and agree to it.
Dated Signature
========================================
Huck: All done? Good! Let's get going. What was the talk about?
Phd: Education
Producer: We are running out of time! You've wasted 30 mins on all your drama!
Huck: Eh? Damn!
Producer: Better conclude it now Huck
Huck: Ladies and Gentleman, due to unforeseen difficulties, today's show had a lot of drama. It's difficult to pinpoint whether Education or lack of it had anything to do with it, but I suppose you'll derive your own conclusions! Thank you for wasting your time with us today! We hope you'll do it again! Bye for now!
Backstage
Huck: Phew! That was one hell of a show
Phd: Finally we are together! I wanted to experiment the new chemical acid that I have on you privately!
Huck: securityyyyyyyyyyy!
Saturday, July 18, 2009
The magic of statues
Reporter: I hear you are constructing so many statues of yourself all over your state. Isn't that so megalomaniac-al? Can't you use your funds for something better, like say bringing in electricity, water to affected districts?
Politician: Ahambra! Don't level such a baseless charge against me. Whatever I do is for the good of the state, for the good of the people.
Reporter: How so?
Politician: Firstly I am constructing only bare minimum of statues. i.e. one in each street of each city of my state. ok? Secondly many people think I want to construct these statues, so I can leave around my legacy forever, but that is not at all my intention.
Reporter: What might that be then?
Politician: To bring in electricity, to bring in water, to bring in milk to my districts!
Reporter: milk? can you enlighten me further?
Politician: You see our people are idol worshippers. Bring in a deity before them, they will do all that they can. They worship politicians. They worship film stars. They worship larger than life characters and they are very pessimistic, so they will worship anyone above them. They worship idols. They want idols.
So I say, let's give them a idol. Let's give them a living idol, so they know that there is someone who can grant them whatever they worship for, because that living person is in power. So by erecting a statue of me, they will automatically worship it. How will they worship it? With water! With milk! Where will these come from? from the skies? It has hardly rained here! and even if it did, it will not rain milk! So they will find means to transport water and milk. A distribution system will come in place automatically. At night, the idols will still need to be worshipped. yes? So it will be decked up with a 1000 lights. How will you light them up? With AA batteries? The infrastructure will catch up, once you give a reason. A reason for officials to work, a reason for people to demand that the officials work. The statues are the reason! It's a cultural shift in thinking! and ultimately we can go from being a state of poverty to a power-rich state. you get me now??? All this happens how? by erecting a statue!
Reporter: Wow
Politician: I have more plans based on this. I plan to network the statues together using cable, and there will be a webcam on the top of each statue. So people will vie for the attention of the webcam in the hope that the worshipper is being noticed. Ultimately it will lead to technological advancement of each street, each city and each state. Every street in the state will be networked across to every other street. Law and order will then be very easy. We will be able to track criminals from street to street. You get me??? Even the U S A does not have things like this. You level baseless charges against me. I am disappointed with you. A man of such intelligence as you should not join the mob and accuse me thus.
Reporter: I am floored!
Politician: We need people like you. Can you help us making this place a better world?
Reporter: Tell me! Tell me! What do you want me to do? I'll do anything for you, my lord!
Politician: (Smiling gleefully at yet another idol worshipper) Let's see. At the junction of Ambedkar road and Vivekananda Street, they are having some caste issues erecting the statue. One group wants the statue to face one way and the other group wants it to face the other way. Can you proceed immediately there and resolve that issue?
Reporter: ok! but which way should it face?
Politician: Use your intelligence man! It's not important which way it should face, but that it should be there and serve as motivation for people to work!
Reporter: Of course! Am on my way!
Politician: Ahambra! Don't level such a baseless charge against me. Whatever I do is for the good of the state, for the good of the people.
Reporter: How so?
Politician: Firstly I am constructing only bare minimum of statues. i.e. one in each street of each city of my state. ok? Secondly many people think I want to construct these statues, so I can leave around my legacy forever, but that is not at all my intention.
Reporter: What might that be then?
Politician: To bring in electricity, to bring in water, to bring in milk to my districts!
Reporter: milk? can you enlighten me further?
Politician: You see our people are idol worshippers. Bring in a deity before them, they will do all that they can. They worship politicians. They worship film stars. They worship larger than life characters and they are very pessimistic, so they will worship anyone above them. They worship idols. They want idols.
So I say, let's give them a idol. Let's give them a living idol, so they know that there is someone who can grant them whatever they worship for, because that living person is in power. So by erecting a statue of me, they will automatically worship it. How will they worship it? With water! With milk! Where will these come from? from the skies? It has hardly rained here! and even if it did, it will not rain milk! So they will find means to transport water and milk. A distribution system will come in place automatically. At night, the idols will still need to be worshipped. yes? So it will be decked up with a 1000 lights. How will you light them up? With AA batteries? The infrastructure will catch up, once you give a reason. A reason for officials to work, a reason for people to demand that the officials work. The statues are the reason! It's a cultural shift in thinking! and ultimately we can go from being a state of poverty to a power-rich state. you get me now??? All this happens how? by erecting a statue!
Reporter: Wow
Politician: I have more plans based on this. I plan to network the statues together using cable, and there will be a webcam on the top of each statue. So people will vie for the attention of the webcam in the hope that the worshipper is being noticed. Ultimately it will lead to technological advancement of each street, each city and each state. Every street in the state will be networked across to every other street. Law and order will then be very easy. We will be able to track criminals from street to street. You get me??? Even the U S A does not have things like this. You level baseless charges against me. I am disappointed with you. A man of such intelligence as you should not join the mob and accuse me thus.
Reporter: I am floored!
Politician: We need people like you. Can you help us making this place a better world?
Reporter: Tell me! Tell me! What do you want me to do? I'll do anything for you, my lord!
Politician: (Smiling gleefully at yet another idol worshipper) Let's see. At the junction of Ambedkar road and Vivekananda Street, they are having some caste issues erecting the statue. One group wants the statue to face one way and the other group wants it to face the other way. Can you proceed immediately there and resolve that issue?
Reporter: ok! but which way should it face?
Politician: Use your intelligence man! It's not important which way it should face, but that it should be there and serve as motivation for people to work!
Reporter: Of course! Am on my way!
Monday, July 13, 2009
A satire on relationships
Live on Television
Huck: Welcome to Huck's talk show. Today's theme is about something which affects all of us, and yes I mean all of us. So pay attention and keep your hands off the remote! Yes Ladies and Gentleman, today we are going to talk about relationships, and specifically the relationship associated with your better half. We have amongst our distinguished panel
Mr A - Arranged Marriage Specialist, and a rather soft spoken gentleman, who blissfully got married the arranged marriage way. His wife's somewhere in the audience. Camera! Can you zoom across?
Producer: We can't find her.
Huck: Never mind! Let's continue with our panel.
Mrs. L - Love Marriage Specialist, who has fallen in love and out of love quite a few times. Err... Currently are you in there or out of there?
Ms S - Single and eligible, like millions of us. Sexy, confident, sophisticated, ok ok. I'll stop and try my luck after the show!
Mr B - The bachelor, for life, like a few of us. Abrasive, logical and cynical
Welcome to the show all of you.
Let me initiate proceedings by going for an advt break.
Mother: Can you buy a soap and come?
Daughter: Sure Mommy
Mother: Oh I didn't tell her what soap to buy. She could buy some rotten soap and then it could break her confidence. Damn! I am ruining my daughter's life! Double Damn! I must be the worst mom in the whole wide world
Daughter: Mommy! I got this one! (holding up a green bar of soap)
Mother: Wow! She got the right one! Ain't I the best mom in the whole wide universe?
Audience in background: Damn color again! Now that's one racial advt.!
Welcome back!
Huck: B, why do you wish to remain a bachelor for life?
B: Relationships suck man! They suck big time. Look here at the audience. I managed to do a lil survey during that rotten ad break. 45% of them are divorced. 35% are contemplating divorce. So that makes it 45+35 . Anyone got a calculator?
Someone from the audience: That's 80%
B: Yes. Yes Thank you. 80%. That leaves 20%, out of which 10% are single and so that leaves 10%. Out of that 5% are newly married couples, who are in the 'warm fuzzy feelings' phase, soon to be replaced with 'rude shock period'. So 5% are say, blissfully married, and in all probability are blissfully unaware of what a relationship is. So you see what I am getting at?
S: Damn you B! Don't be so pessimistic. Look at me!
B: I looked at you sexy! you are pretty good, but not good enough for me to jump into relationships.
S: F*** you! I meant look at my confidence.
B: Confidence??? You??? @$@%
Huck: People, People! We are live on national television. Please moderate your f***ing language. The world surely doesn't need to pick up words like [beep], [beep-beep], [beep-beep-beep] from us! Let's move on to milder topics. Mr A, do you think arranged marriages are better than love marriages?
A: Of course they are! you see they give a lot of security
L: If you want security, hire a f**** security guard! Arranged marriages are only good for people who don't have the confidence in their own decisions
A: I disagree strongly
L: Freaking hell! Who cares whether you disagree strongly or weakly? Now just shut up moron!
Huck: Please L, you will get your turn. Now shut the f*** up. Mr A, can you tell us about the arranged marriage process itself?
A: That's simple. The two horoscopes first meet each other. Then the two fotos meet each other. If they like each other, then the two families meet, and if they like each other, then the two people meet. So you see the two people are wrapped in a security cocoon engulfed by families, society, photos and horoscopes.
Huck: Interesting. so if something goes wrong? You can blame the cocoon?
A: Well I suppose you could,... partly
L: Ain't that so convenient?
Huck: Mrs L, How did you meet your husband?
L: Oh I met him online. We were chatting for ages and then we met and then we decided to take the plunge.
Huck: So your family just accepted? Huh?
L: There were a lot of protests, as all of them subscribe to the theory of Mr. A here, but we hung on and it worked out
Huck: so there's no security. What do you do when you have a fight?
L: Oh I freaking throw all the kitchen utensils at him and I win all the time! He can't catch for nothing!
A: See that's what am talking about. Our security blanket would catch all kinds. Stainless steel, metal, anything, you name it!
L: (ignoring) We have a make up period and that binds us closer. We can think back to our first meeting, which was truly glorious and our frowns are quickly replaced with smiles! What do you think about? How the arian ram and the taurian bull liked each other snorting in the horoscopes??? (Audience laughing)
Huck: While we have everyone laughing, let's take another quick short break.
2 seconds later
Huck: Offhand, S I must say you are really very very sexy
S: (blushing) Thank you!
Huck: Whats happening? I thought we are taking an advt break! Damn you people!
Producer: There are no more advertisements Huck! All your shows suck anyway and we are in recession, so people simply don't care for your show. Get on with it!
Huck: aww! What the hell? Alrite. Welcome back folks!
Huck: S, you have seen what A and L have indicated. you are single and most eligible. What would you choose?
S: Frankly I don't know. I am open to both. I just see both as avenues to meet people
Huck: That's a nice (and comforting) attitude to have. Mr B, your comments?
B: She has no clue what she's getting into. Personally I advise you to stay away from relationships. Stay with me, and I will teach you all about how relationships suck.
S: You mean, you want me to get into a relationship with you, so you can warn me about how relationships suck in general? Man you are weird! (To Huck) Can we take him off the show? He makes me nervous!
B: Weird, but adventurous!
Huck: Mr A, If you had a chance to marry again, would you opt for a love (interrupted)
(someone in audience shouting) damn you A. Don't even think about it
Huck: Now L, you had indicated that you had fallen in love and out of love a few times. Can you explain how that works? Isn't love forever?
L: Well, you see. It's rather complicated
A: Aaha! Love! my foot!
L: falling in love is very natural. and like what goes up comes down, falling out of love is even more natural.
Huck: So how do you manage then?
L: Well, every time we fall out, we meet over coffee and talk things out and we tell ourselves that we'll work harder again, but we don't give up and we don't look at no crappy cocoon to save us. If I had one wish in the world, I would wish for a rocket launcher and blast it right through A's cocoon
A: Now that's a foul personal attack. I protest!
Huck: I see. Do you wish to file a complaint in writing?
A: I sure would, but I have to get permission from my cocoon first. Can it wait?
Huck: S, suppose you were say to fall in love with say B, how would you propose to him?
S: On my foot! I despise him! totally #$%#^#$%#
B: The feelings mutual lady!
Huck: Producer, can we at least take a water break? My throat's parched!
Producer: What's the conclusion of the show?
Huck: Ladies and Gentleman, you have seen all the arguments. Like all talk shows, we just bring people to the show and have a good time getting them to fight. So ultimately the show's crap. Just do whatever works for you! Thanks one and all!
Backstage
S: You were very impressive!
Huck: Thank you! I suppose you see talk shows also as avenues to meet people eh? :)
Huck: Welcome to Huck's talk show. Today's theme is about something which affects all of us, and yes I mean all of us. So pay attention and keep your hands off the remote! Yes Ladies and Gentleman, today we are going to talk about relationships, and specifically the relationship associated with your better half. We have amongst our distinguished panel
Mr A - Arranged Marriage Specialist, and a rather soft spoken gentleman, who blissfully got married the arranged marriage way. His wife's somewhere in the audience. Camera! Can you zoom across?
Producer: We can't find her.
Huck: Never mind! Let's continue with our panel.
Mrs. L - Love Marriage Specialist, who has fallen in love and out of love quite a few times. Err... Currently are you in there or out of there?
Ms S - Single and eligible, like millions of us. Sexy, confident, sophisticated, ok ok. I'll stop and try my luck after the show!
Mr B - The bachelor, for life, like a few of us. Abrasive, logical and cynical
Welcome to the show all of you.
Let me initiate proceedings by going for an advt break.
Mother: Can you buy a soap and come?
Daughter: Sure Mommy
Mother: Oh I didn't tell her what soap to buy. She could buy some rotten soap and then it could break her confidence. Damn! I am ruining my daughter's life! Double Damn! I must be the worst mom in the whole wide world
Daughter: Mommy! I got this one! (holding up a green bar of soap)
Mother: Wow! She got the right one! Ain't I the best mom in the whole wide universe?
Audience in background: Damn color again! Now that's one racial advt.!
Welcome back!
Huck: B, why do you wish to remain a bachelor for life?
B: Relationships suck man! They suck big time. Look here at the audience. I managed to do a lil survey during that rotten ad break. 45% of them are divorced. 35% are contemplating divorce. So that makes it 45+35 . Anyone got a calculator?
Someone from the audience: That's 80%
B: Yes. Yes Thank you. 80%. That leaves 20%, out of which 10% are single and so that leaves 10%. Out of that 5% are newly married couples, who are in the 'warm fuzzy feelings' phase, soon to be replaced with 'rude shock period'. So 5% are say, blissfully married, and in all probability are blissfully unaware of what a relationship is. So you see what I am getting at?
S: Damn you B! Don't be so pessimistic. Look at me!
B: I looked at you sexy! you are pretty good, but not good enough for me to jump into relationships.
S: F*** you! I meant look at my confidence.
B: Confidence??? You??? @$@%
Huck: People, People! We are live on national television. Please moderate your f***ing language. The world surely doesn't need to pick up words like [beep], [beep-beep], [beep-beep-beep] from us! Let's move on to milder topics. Mr A, do you think arranged marriages are better than love marriages?
A: Of course they are! you see they give a lot of security
L: If you want security, hire a f**** security guard! Arranged marriages are only good for people who don't have the confidence in their own decisions
A: I disagree strongly
L: Freaking hell! Who cares whether you disagree strongly or weakly? Now just shut up moron!
Huck: Please L, you will get your turn. Now shut the f*** up. Mr A, can you tell us about the arranged marriage process itself?
A: That's simple. The two horoscopes first meet each other. Then the two fotos meet each other. If they like each other, then the two families meet, and if they like each other, then the two people meet. So you see the two people are wrapped in a security cocoon engulfed by families, society, photos and horoscopes.
Huck: Interesting. so if something goes wrong? You can blame the cocoon?
A: Well I suppose you could,... partly
L: Ain't that so convenient?
Huck: Mrs L, How did you meet your husband?
L: Oh I met him online. We were chatting for ages and then we met and then we decided to take the plunge.
Huck: So your family just accepted? Huh?
L: There were a lot of protests, as all of them subscribe to the theory of Mr. A here, but we hung on and it worked out
Huck: so there's no security. What do you do when you have a fight?
L: Oh I freaking throw all the kitchen utensils at him and I win all the time! He can't catch for nothing!
A: See that's what am talking about. Our security blanket would catch all kinds. Stainless steel, metal, anything, you name it!
L: (ignoring) We have a make up period and that binds us closer. We can think back to our first meeting, which was truly glorious and our frowns are quickly replaced with smiles! What do you think about? How the arian ram and the taurian bull liked each other snorting in the horoscopes??? (Audience laughing)
Huck: While we have everyone laughing, let's take another quick short break.
2 seconds later
Huck: Offhand, S I must say you are really very very sexy
S: (blushing) Thank you!
Huck: Whats happening? I thought we are taking an advt break! Damn you people!
Producer: There are no more advertisements Huck! All your shows suck anyway and we are in recession, so people simply don't care for your show. Get on with it!
Huck: aww! What the hell? Alrite. Welcome back folks!
Huck: S, you have seen what A and L have indicated. you are single and most eligible. What would you choose?
S: Frankly I don't know. I am open to both. I just see both as avenues to meet people
Huck: That's a nice (and comforting) attitude to have. Mr B, your comments?
B: She has no clue what she's getting into. Personally I advise you to stay away from relationships. Stay with me, and I will teach you all about how relationships suck.
S: You mean, you want me to get into a relationship with you, so you can warn me about how relationships suck in general? Man you are weird! (To Huck) Can we take him off the show? He makes me nervous!
B: Weird, but adventurous!
Huck: Mr A, If you had a chance to marry again, would you opt for a love (interrupted)
(someone in audience shouting) damn you A. Don't even think about it
Huck: Now L, you had indicated that you had fallen in love and out of love a few times. Can you explain how that works? Isn't love forever?
L: Well, you see. It's rather complicated
A: Aaha! Love! my foot!
L: falling in love is very natural. and like what goes up comes down, falling out of love is even more natural.
Huck: So how do you manage then?
L: Well, every time we fall out, we meet over coffee and talk things out and we tell ourselves that we'll work harder again, but we don't give up and we don't look at no crappy cocoon to save us. If I had one wish in the world, I would wish for a rocket launcher and blast it right through A's cocoon
A: Now that's a foul personal attack. I protest!
Huck: I see. Do you wish to file a complaint in writing?
A: I sure would, but I have to get permission from my cocoon first. Can it wait?
Huck: S, suppose you were say to fall in love with say B, how would you propose to him?
S: On my foot! I despise him! totally #$%#^#$%#
B: The feelings mutual lady!
Huck: Producer, can we at least take a water break? My throat's parched!
Producer: What's the conclusion of the show?
Huck: Ladies and Gentleman, you have seen all the arguments. Like all talk shows, we just bring people to the show and have a good time getting them to fight. So ultimately the show's crap. Just do whatever works for you! Thanks one and all!
Backstage
S: You were very impressive!
Huck: Thank you! I suppose you see talk shows also as avenues to meet people eh? :)
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