Huck's hideout

Life is full of emotional dramas. Let me guess, a lot more is in store. I suppose I can't stop them, but I can make it difficult for emotional dramas to reach me. So here's the plan.

I intend to live on an island, 'Huck's Hideout' and nope you cannot absolutely reach me, until I say so. Here's why

You can't swim across - It's shark infested and they all have a abiding duty to protect me. Don't ask me how I ever communicated it to them!

You can't do a drop-in using a parachute or anything - For the simple reason, there are shoot at sight orders. The moment a parachute is sighted, you can rest assure that it will be gunned down. If you are willing to take a risk, please do so with a cheap quality parachute. At least you can die with the satisfaction that you left behind some money for your kin!

You can't hire a boat across - Ah technically you can, but all the boat operators will make you fill up a visa application form. The application form runs into 10 pages (Yes I know it's more than the US immigration form, DS-156, and all that). An excerpt from the form revealing a few of the 'simple' questions is as follows

1.a) What is the purpose of your trip to Huck's hideout? If it's business, then you have no business on Huck's hideout. If it's personal, then you are personally asked to scram!
1.b) Have you ever been involved in an emotional drama? If so, please do write a novel on the same, get it published by one of the recognized publishers listed in the Appendix of this form, and re-submit this application along with a copy of your novel. Your case will not be considered until then. Please also quote 'Huck's hideout' as one of your inspirations behind the novel in the acknowledgments.
1.c) If you answered 'no' to 1.b), well frankly we don't believe you and your application is rejected out rightly. Please re-apply after 18 months. Any appeals can be filed after 24 months.
2) Do you intend to cause any harm to any living soul on Huck's hideout? (Harm can be of the following types - physically, mentally, emotionally, psychologically, x-ally) - If so, you are strongly advised that you have bright prospects out there in the real world, rather than bothering the inhabitants of Huck's hideout.
3.a) Do you intend to immigrate to Huck's hideout? If yes, please answer 3b)
3.b) Do you have a touching story, one touching enough to be admitted?

4.a) Please affix a recent passport photograph, taken strictly in a zodiac blue shirt, a black trouser and a regimental tie with red stripes on a white background, the stripes being inclined at an angle of 45 degrees (Yeah we know that the trouser ain't visible in the photograph, but the visa form won't be accepted until you provide us proof that you actually did follow such a simple instruction)

5.a) Who will cover the expenses of your trip? [Please do note that if you are unable to support yourself on Huck's hideout, you will be fodder for our sharks]. As proof, we require the following
- Bank statements for the last 15 years (If you ain't been working that long enough, age a bit and come back)
- A voice recorded statement in Mp3 format stating 'I have the funds', which will be subjected to our automatic lie detector program
- A summary of all the purchases that you have made in the last 3 months. The purchases need to be classified as the following types, 'necessity','I just needed the damn thing', 'I was impulsive'. The application will be accepted only if the percentages for each of the above three categories are within our defined thresholds

...

67.a) Finally, please board the boat with a copy of a GPOA, ensuring that someone else can take care of everything that you have, in case you don't ever return back.

It doesn't end there :)

Please wait in line to pass security and board the boat.
"Did you pack your bags yourself?"
"Yes I did!"
"Can you give us proof of that?"

After 1 day

"I have a recording of me packing my bags myself."
"Great! Let's see it!.. err. Sorry, that hair conditioner is not allowed! Jesus! Someone can get hurt from that! What were you thinking? You need to re-pack and yes re-record!"

After another day

If you do manage to get this far, then on arriving at the island, you will be greeted by our immigration officer, who will take a biometric reading of your fingerprint, and look irritated that your fingerprint is not in our database (it's a brand new database. what do you expect?). Your finger print will be stored promptly and you will be asked to re-apply with a fresh visa application form after 6 months. Till that time, you can opt to go back to the real world (in which case you are dis-barred from ever applying again) or stay on the Island in our transit quarters. We will provide you a temporary place to stay in our zoo. Your quarters will be shared by Boobo, our brightest chimpanzee and Laka, our deadliest viper and no! you can't have your baggage yet.

6 months later

Our immigration officer greets you again. Will check our biometric database with your fingerprint.
"Hey! one match! It's your lucky day!"

Onward to baggage claim

"What? No baggage? Where's my baggage???"
"Sorry Sir/Madam. The Baggage claim has a anti terrorist policy to destroy all bags not claimed within 5 months and 29 days."

"Fine!" Fuming!
"I made it. I did it! Where's huck? I want to meet him."

"Yes sir/madam. Of course. Please fill out this 100 page application form to enter the palace in the Island! "

True love

For some time now, I have been a cynic about whether there really exists such a thing as 'true love'. When you hit rock bottom, as far as your emotions are concerned, you tend to question every thing that you have taken for granted, all your life and the ultimate incurable romantic that I was, transformed into the biggest love cynic, all in front of my own very eyes.

I have seen marriages happen out of so called love, and then I have seen them dis-integrate as rapidly as they were formed.
I have seen people talk about warm fuzzy feelings whenever they think about someone special, but who just can't plain tolerate the same person after some amount of time has passed.
I have seen people scared to let their better half know about a certain aspect of their personality, lest it ruin their marital life.
I have also seen countless relationships begin with people deliberately hiding stuff about their past. I have also seen people facing issues in future just because they were not honest enough about their past to begin with.
I have seen people use 'I love you' as such a easily swapped blanket of convenience.
I have and continue to see 'so called symbols of love and affection' on the telly day after day and they leave me feeling very void.
I have seen parents pushing their own agendas, dreams, interests forward rather than stopping to listen/hear what their son/daughter thinks/feels/wants.
I have seen parents who let their children take the minor decisions in life, and yet have a imposing presence on their major decisions. Which parent can truly honestly say that I left my son/daughter to explore the world, the way he/she wanted and don't impose myself in any way?
Which parent has not cribbed about their child to a third person?
Which child has not cribbed about their parents to a third person?

Is there really such a thing as true love?

Today, I was leaving the music school after a customary struggle with trying to master that deceptively simple, but ultra complex violin. I noticed my wonderful teacher's aged parents sitting in a bench together, just in front of the school. My teacher's scottish. Imagine parents giving up everything they hold near and dear to them, living in a foreign country, waiting patiently day after day, while their daughter spends her time teaching me and the other students through-out the whole of the afternoon.
What could be a more perfect example of true love than this?

So I suppose, the romantic in me simply refuses to die.
True love does exist, but you need to be lucky as hell to come anywhere close to it, and you will know when you get there, for it will stand by you, even if the whole freaking world wants you to do something else and it will never *ever* hurt you...

It's time

One of the most difficult things in life is to wake up early (atleast for me). I've tried so many solutions...

• Alarm clocks of various sizes
• Alarm clock on the mobile with wacky tunes. The latest experiment is to try getting up to a wild wild west tune with a lasso throwing horse man trying to strangulate my neck unless I get up (Yeah. Gory, but it still doesn't work!)
  
• Family and friends calling me on my mobile and persisting until I answer the phone. (On disconnecting however it's the usual story)
• A lil will power. ( I guess I need a lot more!)

and I now look at it, it's become pretty much a habit that's longer than a decade! One of my friends remarked that it's gonna be as difficult as it prob is to kick off smoking! I suppose that's pretty accurate.
Let's see what all I have missed out on over the years

• The first one/two classes of most days at college. No wonder my internals were so messed up. (Yes it's been a habit since then! No wait, actually much earlier, since I was born I think)
• Breakfast on majority of days! (Yeah that sucks)
• Socialize. The less time spent awake, the less time there is to socialize. (Well that ain't a big deal)
• A lot of sunshine and Sun's love! (Ah, but the afternoons are not so forgiving either, with me being swamped by the Sun's emotions!)
• Being termed as a 'diurnal' creature

Let's see what all I have gained over the years

• Sleep, blissful sleep with nothing, I repeat nothing so far able to shake me up.
• Boosted my ego, what with project managers at work actually picking me up from home on release dates, just so I could arrive one day on time and release the project!
• Made people realize that there is after all something real about the epics, "Mahabharata" and "Ramayana", with me representing the character of "Kumbhakarna"! (Maybe am cursed too! Ha!)
  
• Less stress! If you are awake for a very small part of the day, there are less things you are involved with and by corollary, less stress!
• A few disgruntled managers, who have actually gone to the extent of fining me for coming late and then realized it was a bad idea, cause I was willingly paying anyway ;)
• A few more disgruntled managers, who gave me 'the look', but who were also returned the favour in double dose on rare days when I made it early!

So, I figured out YAWUEA (s/w terminology, Yet Another Wake Up Early Attempt) and this blog is precisely about that.

I see two solutions. Let's talk about the first one in detail, as it merits a little something.

a) I need a Humanoid Robot
Ok That doesn't sound right. I need a robot, which is specialized enough in the intelligence of waking-up people, So let's call it wake-a-noid. Hmm doesn't sound right. Wake-a-noid, Wake-a-noo?, Wake-a-roo. Hmm Wakeroo sounds almost like waterloo. Anyways for want of a better word, it will have to do for now. So here is a imaginary conversation/sequence between how the wakeroo can wake up *anyone*. Well, If it can wake me up, I presume it can wake up anyone! Of course each wakeroo comes with pre-built factory methods, but you can teach it new tricks for specialized situations. For more information, contact the dealer*

---

6:55: Wakeroo: Wakey! Wakey! It's time
Huck: The What? Who in their right mind will want to wake up someone so early? You are mad!
Wakeroo: Allow me to remind you that you have this weird habit of setting up alarm timings at 6:55,7:25
Huck: (yawning with still eyes closed): Yeah. It's a psychological advantage. Allows me to sleep for 5 more minutes. Now begone and come back later
Wakeroo: (looking up in-built manual) Yeah that's there in the manual. You are allowed a sleep of another 4 minutes and 35 seconds.
Huck: You stole 25 seconds with your stupid conversation. So make it 25 minutes penalty. Wake me up at 7:25
Wakeroo: (performing some complex calculations, which give the verdict of agreeing once to human owner) ok, as you wish

7:25 Wakeroo: It's time
Huck: You make it sound like I have to get up to my death! What's the point of getting up so early, with such a nasty thought early in the morning?
Wakeroo: It's time
Huck: oh come on. I can barely keep my eyes open
Wakeroo: (tickling Huck's legs)
Huck: Hee hee. Hey! leave me alone (grabs the blanket over his legs and is wrapped tight)
Wakeroo: Hmm this situation has reached escalation level. Initiating alternate strategy A for Alpha
Huck: zzzzzzzzz
Huck: (cold water being splashed all over) zzzzzzzzzzz
Huck: WTF??? Leave me alone! I'll sue you! (covers face also with blanket now)
Wakeroo: (sternly) It's time
Huck: (pretends to not hear)
Wakeroo: (loudly) It's time
Huck: (pretends to not hear)
Wakeroo: Initiating alternate strategy B for Beta
Huck: zzzzzzzzzzzzz
Wakeroo: (grabs blanket by brute force and succeeds)
Huck: (resists mildly and loses)
Wakeroo: (splashes cold water all over Huck)
Huck: Just you wait, until I get up! you @#$@#$%#%^. you are gonna wish you were never born
Wakeroo: I wasn't born anyway
Huck: you sarcastic pig! Leave me alone.
Wakeroo: Not until I have succeeded. You have exactly one more minute to comply.
Huck: (yawning) And then what?

7:34 Wakeroo: (initiates timer on stop-watch and observes closely). You'll see. hee hee hee

7:35 Wakeroo: It's time
Huck: (ignoring)
wakeroo: Lifts off a sleeping huck and right into the shower and turns on the shower full blast!
Huck: Damn! brrrrrr. Can't you atleast give me moderately hot water? I give up! you win!

7:40 Wakeroo: Mission accomplished! (Mission impossible tune playing in the background) I'll leave you to take your bath now. (performs more complex calculations and calculates success ratio as 99.5% success within one hour of transaction initiation and smiles achievingly. Who-ever gave that sarcastic pig such a perfect set of teeth? )
Huck: (door locked now. inside bathroom) zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Well, there's only so much machines can do, which brings us to our second solution.

b) sheer will power on my part! That's another story altogether ;)

Perceptions II

More perceptions. For a background, see the original perceptions

First man in desert: We are saved! We are saved! I sight water finally!
Second man in desert: You fool! That's a mirage!
First man in desert: You mean, they come with dining tables these days? wow! unbelievable!

Gal to her lover: Will you love me for ever?
poor guy: of course sweetheart!
gal: Will you love me after a year's time?
guy: Of course dear!
gal: Will you love me after a month's time?
guy: yes my love!
gal: Will you love me just like the water hugs this glass?
guy: for sure, darling!
gal: Then why is your love half empty already? Who else are you seeing???

Movie director: Alrite! This is what we will do. First we will play the BGM. Then we'll have 50 dancers in skimpy clothes dancing all around the dining table, and we'll pan the camera from the top and zoom onto the water, but there will be no movement in the glass or water. It will be symbolic of the stoic nature of our hero. What do you think?
Assistant: What an idea, sirjee!

Solving complex problems

Client: I am looking for someone, who can write a Hello World program

programmer 1: (quickly creates HelloWorld.java)

public class Hello {
  public static void main(String args[]) {
    System.out.println("Hello World");
  }
}

programmer 1: Damn!. Have to name the file Hello.java
mv HelloWorld.java Hello.java

programmer 1: compile! compile!
javac Hello.java

programmer 1: run! run!
java Hello

programmer 1: damn! classpath classpath!

export CLASSPATH=$CLASSPATH:.
java Hello

=> Hello World

programmer 1: I did it! I did it! I have conquered it! I am on top of the world! Err. what did you say you wanted again?

programmer 2: (yawn) do you want it printed vertically or horizontally or maybe at an acute angle? (tilts head sideways to demonstrate and in the process incurs a serious neck injury!)

programmer 3: I dunno. What's in it for me?

programmer 4: It's gonna take exactly 4 days. The first day I will do a design for the program. I will also provide you with a high level design document for your approval. On day 2, you sign off on the document (while I take a vacation, but you pay never-the-less), On day 3, I'll write the code and test it. On day 4, we'll do UAT and we close the project. How's that sound? I'll employ fancy AJAX where applicable in the project (which as I know is totally not applicable) and we'll follow agile development methodology (what a load of crap) to ensure rapid development. So... do we have a deal?

programmer 5: Err. do you also have a budget for testing?

programmer 6: You've come to exactly the right person. First we'll freeze on the technology stack. You know how it is with all the technologies out there. We'll do a feasibility study on our chosen technology to cover aspects of security, scalability and maintainability. We'll then do a POC. Only at that point do you have to pay anything! (but I'll make sure that I charge you a bomb then). ok?

programmer 7: I see. It's a very simple thing. I know Java, ruby, C, C++, lisp, python, awk, sed and SAP and depending on which of these you choose, the rates vary. SAP is a bit expensive. I can also give you color options like 'red','magenta','blue' and 'cyan'. oh yeah 'blue' is very very popular, but it's also expensive. After that we'll choose the OS. Here we have options like 'Windows XP', 'Linux', 'Mac OS X'. Finally we do recruitment and select a project team and they will deliver everything. Easy peasy just like making 6 decisions to buy a cup of coffee. What? Me? Oh I don't code. I am a manager.

client 2: (to a sobbing client 1) yeah I know. don't have to tell me. Face it! They are all like that and they are all over the place! I suggest you pick up a programming book yourself!

Perceptions

Different people have different takes on different situations. Here's my take on other people's takes of a very classical scene.

The scene

A glass half full of water in the center of an otherwise bare dining table. A coaster lies beside the glass on the dining table.

And here comes ...

The optimist: That's half full! Yay! :)
The pessimist: That's half empty! sigh! :(
The materialist: Two fifty bucks for the glass! and to make it perfectly fair, I'll throw in the water for free!
The philanthropist: (raising the glass in his hand) friends, thirsty-men and women, lend me your glasses!
The selfish: (after hiding the glass) what glass? what water? what do you want me to say?
The activist: The water in this glass can make thirst a thing of the past for exactly one person exactly one time
The chemist: I believe, with a little more time, we have all the perfect ingredients to make the perfect fungus the world has ever seen


The CEO: Friends, I have a open door policy just like this open glass. Call upon me anytime you have any problem, but if we are running out of drinking water, as we seem to be, please contact the administrative department instead!
HR person 1: water, oh water! look how much you need motivation! come on water! motivate yourself to come out of the glass! come on! you can do it! go water go!
HR person 2: I don't think it's working. He's not listening.
HR person 1: He is. Look he is getting agitated... Oh crikes! It's an earthquake!

The politician: vote for me! Never will a single glass in the country be half full ever again [We'll make sure to drain whatever's left also]

The music lover: (admiring at the glass) How beautiful. The glass and water in perfect synchrony with each other just like a symphony. la-la-la, la-laaa-laaa
The film actor and the vain lady: (admiring at the glass), Hmm, A little nose job, and that would make me more purrrr-fect!

The software programmer: Is this water tested properly for bacteria?
The software tester: Hey! That's my job!
The software manager: Let's not quarrel amongst us. Tester, you test it and file a report to me in XLS format
The priest: May the tester's soul rest in peace, just like the quarter portion of water remaining in this glass

The libran: Wow! What perfect balance! It's exactly at the half way mark!
The piscean, scorpion and cancerian(water signs): Hey! That's my natural environment we are talking about! A little respect is in order!
The gemini-an, aquarian, libran: That's half air in there! It's our natural environment too! and look the air is on top and spreads out! you just can't contain us! Freedom! Freedom!
Fire signs: No point going in now. Water and air are a potent combination. Ask our troops to lie low and remain on high alert. we attack at nightfall!

Mr. ant: my! oh my! I have met my soul mate finally! and she's plump just like i wanted!
The cleanliness-freak: (noticing a small greenish tinge at the bottom of the glass) err. Can i have a straw?

Trojan war lords: Ask our carpenters to stop working. We don't need the trojan horse. The fools have left their fort open!

Queue breaker 1 (Yes, They have earned their right to be a separate species): I saw it first! Mine! mine!
Queue breaker 2 : Liar! The glass reflected my image first!

Huck: spills the water on the table and starts making make-shift globs fighting against each other

fortunately and unfortunately

He got into his car to go on a long drive.


unfortunately there was no way to take the car out, being as it was sandwiched between other cars
fortunately he had many ideas up his sleeve
unfortunately all of them would fail, even if he tried, and he got tired from just thinking through
fortunately he could sleep cozily and rested himself on the wheel
unfortunately it made a blaring noise, one that got all the 457 residents of the apt complex to see what the fuss was
fortunately it also brought out the one guy who promptly moved his car to show him his escape route
unfortunately he had to bear the grunt of all the other disgruntled people
fortunately he stepped on the wheel and was far away from the maddening crowd
unfortunately the yellow flashing indicator warned him that he would be running out of gas soon
fortunately he knew there was a gas station nearby
unfortunately they were closed, it being a day for protesting that today was Tuesday
fortunately he stopped the car by the kerb and set out on foot
unfortunately he had barely walked a few steps, when he began feeling thirsty
fortunately he sighted a juice shop just around the corner
unfortunately they didn't have custard apple, something that would have been ideal for this weather
fortunately there was this pretty girl sipping an orange drink. Heck who-ever cared for custard apple?
unfortunately she was already with someone, one who was now giving him more attention that he was giving her
fortunately he began to hum a song and look up at the skies
unfortunately they didn't like it either and rewarded him with a thunderous spell of rain
fortunately he loved the rain and continued his upward stare
unfortunately they realized it and the rain ceased. who-ever heard of such quick justice?
fortunately refreshed again, he set out where his foot took him to
unfortunately his foot hit a big rock, that hurt him bad, as in real bad
fortunately he looked down and found a ring, a gold ring at that
unfortunately he had barely taken it in his hand, when a women arrived on spot and claimed it as hers
fortunately she was young and gorgeous
unfortunately she had a nasty temper
fortunately he parted away with the ring and the foul mouthed lady
unfortunately she cursed him even after he had handed over the ring voluntarily
fortunately another lady arrived on the spot and started defending him, and cursing the other automatically
unfortunately a fight ensued between the two pretty ones
fortunately he sat down to watch and wonder what they were fighting over, the ring or him
unfortunately the juice stall guy had also moved in with his mobile store and a lot of on-lookers, he no longer had his private balcony seat
fortunately the fight ended and the second lady came over to him and said a hi
unfortunately he couldn't place her, though she looked familiar
fortunately she offered to explain it all at the nearby pub
unfortunately his instinct was buzzing like mad with the red warning signals filling his face
fortunately he ignored it, and went into the pub
unfortunately they couldn't get the seat they wanted
fortunately they found another cozy corner
unfortunately it was too close to the speakers and they couldn't talk
fortunately he was getting drunk and nodding as if he understood everything
unfortunately about 10 men barged into the pub, raising slogans and protesting about the influence of western culture
fortunately the pub had bouncers, hee hee good bouncers. hic! hic!
unfortunately they were outnumbered and the bouncers were as helpless like old women
fortunately the pub had a lot of young women. surely they would be courteous to all?
unfortunately they began pulling the hair out of the young women and were now approaching his terrified companion
fortunately he was so drunk, that he grabbed a beer bottle, broke it into smithereens to use it as a weapon
unfortunately he had broken it so much, there was hardly anything left to fight with
fortunately she handed him another bottle
unfortunately the crowd around him was growing bigger and they were encircling him now like vultures
fortunately he was so drunk, their numbers didn't matter, they didn't add up anyway
unfortunately one of them landed him a big blow on his jaw
fortunately he went flying and landed on four of them, knocking them cold
unfortunately the knocker was preparing himself for a second round of blows
fortunately he hurled the bottle at him
unfortunately it missed him and landed on the wall where some famous rock star sitting on a bike was playing bgm with his guitar to the massacre
fortunately she was helping him to his feet now
unfortunately the four cold guys were also turning hot now
fortunately the rest of the pub dwellers had now rallied by his side
unfortunately most of them were drunk and had no energy to pack a punch
fortunately he thought of appeasing the mob and explaining the virtues of embracing multiple cultures
unfortunately they had been so brainwashed, they nodded their heads in refusal
fortunately he waved a inviting scotch bottle at them in front of their eyes. hic!
unfortunately it wasn't their brand
fortunately they were willing to try it, and the entire pub reveled in one big drunken orgy
unfortunately she was dragging him out now, just as he was getting to know his new friends better
fortunately he had gotten sober and walked out into the night with her
...
unfortunately he woke up with a splitting headache
fortunately he saw that the cars had moved away, drove away merrily


This post was written in the style of
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fortunately,_Unfortunately and is a reflection of contemporary India