Saturday, March 21, 2009

Breaking the queue breakers

We see it all around us. jumping at queues. At bus stops, at train stations, at ATM queues, heck even at office canteens! [you probably are wondering what kind of a company am in, but that's the way it is]. Queue jumping is an art. A few glib talking ones just charm their way in. A few act as brutes due to their sheer size. A few talk in a local lingo to buy favors with the guy who's serving the queue. and yet a few more use the familiar 'handkerchief' method.

For the uninitiated, the handkerchief method is an age old tradition, that probably originated at bus stops. The act involves running all around the bus, trying to find an empty seat and throwing your handkerchief onto the seat through an open window. Then you can board the bus at leisure and claim the seat as all yours, cause the 'handkerchief' method expects total allegiance. You thought you could question it? Ha! think again.

There is a subtle form of this used in queue jumping too. It's so subtle, that you would fail to recognize it. Welcome to the modern world incarnation of the 'handkerchief' method. You can join a queue at a spot in the queue, where you already know someone. You might ask what's the big deal? They are part of a group anyway. Yes, but we aren't talking about big groups at amusement parks here. We are talking about people employing this day in and day out at every common place, that you visit, taking unfair advantage. It gets to you after a point, especially when you take the pains to take care that you don't do that. So I figured there might be a few people like me, who might need help in confronting the queue jumpers. So here it goes,

'The official Huck's list to breaking the queue breakers'

  1. Look in the offender's eye. That scares most people. Yes it does, as most people do have a conscience and this 'looking in the eye' brings it out, and makes them more hesitant.
  2. If you look like Hulk, then pretend to 'roll up' your sleeves. Grit your teeth. Show that you are breathing heavily and act as if you are controlling your best, your real best to control the aggression that can explode any moment. Be sure to fake it well, otherwise the only thing that's going to explode is laughter all around!
  3. Exclaim WTF??? in a loud voice. If it didn't work, put your hands on your hips and exclaim WTF again! Still no luck? Try, "F***". no? "F*** you!". That should work!
  4. Break out of the queue and perform the break-in just in front of the offender, just to show, how worthless the act was. Encourage everyone who was staying behind you in the queue to just follow your lead and break-in, and push the offender so far back. It might serve him right to push him back even farther than where he would have joined, cause queues do keep growing!
  5. Carry around a dirty handkerchief and a certificate of merit. Walk around to the offender and ask him for his name. Fill it on the certificate, make sure to sign it! and hand it to him with a impromptu smile and a salute!. The dirty handkerchief is meant to serve as his lifelong memento for his contributions to honoring an age old tradition! If you have only a clean hanky, make sure to sneeze in it one last time, before handing it over! We must not upset traditions!
  6. Walk up to the person and ask him for a picture. Tell him/her, that a paper is offering serious money for pictures of people breaking queues. Make sure you get a 'cheesy' picture! The offender might not give up the place, but you sure will feel gooooooood!
  7. On a side note, if the person behind you in the queue is constantly falling over you, turn back and ask 'Hey! are you gay or what? I am sorry that I am not your type, so look elsewhere!'. [I'll leave it to you to use gay/lesbian/sex-maniac, depending on the actual context, you are in.]
  8. Just talk to anyone in random, and exclaim in a loud voice, so the offender can hear you clearly, 'There goes one more'
  9. Just stand put, imagine yourself doing any of the above and smile it off!

1 comment:

  1. First one works! Have used more tan once!! would love to use 5th one sometiime!