It's time

One of the most difficult things in life is to wake up early (atleast for me). I've tried so many solutions...

• Alarm clocks of various sizes
• Alarm clock on the mobile with wacky tunes. The latest experiment is to try getting up to a wild wild west tune with a lasso throwing horse man trying to strangulate my neck unless I get up (Yeah. Gory, but it still doesn't work!)
  
• Family and friends calling me on my mobile and persisting until I answer the phone. (On disconnecting however it's the usual story)
• A lil will power. ( I guess I need a lot more!)

and I now look at it, it's become pretty much a habit that's longer than a decade! One of my friends remarked that it's gonna be as difficult as it prob is to kick off smoking! I suppose that's pretty accurate.
Let's see what all I have missed out on over the years

• The first one/two classes of most days at college. No wonder my internals were so messed up. (Yes it's been a habit since then! No wait, actually much earlier, since I was born I think)
• Breakfast on majority of days! (Yeah that sucks)
• Socialize. The less time spent awake, the less time there is to socialize. (Well that ain't a big deal)
• A lot of sunshine and Sun's love! (Ah, but the afternoons are not so forgiving either, with me being swamped by the Sun's emotions!)
• Being termed as a 'diurnal' creature

Let's see what all I have gained over the years

• Sleep, blissful sleep with nothing, I repeat nothing so far able to shake me up.
• Boosted my ego, what with project managers at work actually picking me up from home on release dates, just so I could arrive one day on time and release the project!
• Made people realize that there is after all something real about the epics, "Mahabharata" and "Ramayana", with me representing the character of "Kumbhakarna"! (Maybe am cursed too! Ha!)
  
• Less stress! If you are awake for a very small part of the day, there are less things you are involved with and by corollary, less stress!
• A few disgruntled managers, who have actually gone to the extent of fining me for coming late and then realized it was a bad idea, cause I was willingly paying anyway ;)
• A few more disgruntled managers, who gave me 'the look', but who were also returned the favour in double dose on rare days when I made it early!

So, I figured out YAWUEA (s/w terminology, Yet Another Wake Up Early Attempt) and this blog is precisely about that.

I see two solutions. Let's talk about the first one in detail, as it merits a little something.

a) I need a Humanoid Robot
Ok That doesn't sound right. I need a robot, which is specialized enough in the intelligence of waking-up people, So let's call it wake-a-noid. Hmm doesn't sound right. Wake-a-noid, Wake-a-noo?, Wake-a-roo. Hmm Wakeroo sounds almost like waterloo. Anyways for want of a better word, it will have to do for now. So here is a imaginary conversation/sequence between how the wakeroo can wake up *anyone*. Well, If it can wake me up, I presume it can wake up anyone! Of course each wakeroo comes with pre-built factory methods, but you can teach it new tricks for specialized situations. For more information, contact the dealer*

---

6:55: Wakeroo: Wakey! Wakey! It's time
Huck: The What? Who in their right mind will want to wake up someone so early? You are mad!
Wakeroo: Allow me to remind you that you have this weird habit of setting up alarm timings at 6:55,7:25
Huck: (yawning with still eyes closed): Yeah. It's a psychological advantage. Allows me to sleep for 5 more minutes. Now begone and come back later
Wakeroo: (looking up in-built manual) Yeah that's there in the manual. You are allowed a sleep of another 4 minutes and 35 seconds.
Huck: You stole 25 seconds with your stupid conversation. So make it 25 minutes penalty. Wake me up at 7:25
Wakeroo: (performing some complex calculations, which give the verdict of agreeing once to human owner) ok, as you wish

7:25 Wakeroo: It's time
Huck: You make it sound like I have to get up to my death! What's the point of getting up so early, with such a nasty thought early in the morning?
Wakeroo: It's time
Huck: oh come on. I can barely keep my eyes open
Wakeroo: (tickling Huck's legs)
Huck: Hee hee. Hey! leave me alone (grabs the blanket over his legs and is wrapped tight)
Wakeroo: Hmm this situation has reached escalation level. Initiating alternate strategy A for Alpha
Huck: zzzzzzzzz
Huck: (cold water being splashed all over) zzzzzzzzzzz
Huck: WTF??? Leave me alone! I'll sue you! (covers face also with blanket now)
Wakeroo: (sternly) It's time
Huck: (pretends to not hear)
Wakeroo: (loudly) It's time
Huck: (pretends to not hear)
Wakeroo: Initiating alternate strategy B for Beta
Huck: zzzzzzzzzzzzz
Wakeroo: (grabs blanket by brute force and succeeds)
Huck: (resists mildly and loses)
Wakeroo: (splashes cold water all over Huck)
Huck: Just you wait, until I get up! you @#$@#$%#%^. you are gonna wish you were never born
Wakeroo: I wasn't born anyway
Huck: you sarcastic pig! Leave me alone.
Wakeroo: Not until I have succeeded. You have exactly one more minute to comply.
Huck: (yawning) And then what?

7:34 Wakeroo: (initiates timer on stop-watch and observes closely). You'll see. hee hee hee

7:35 Wakeroo: It's time
Huck: (ignoring)
wakeroo: Lifts off a sleeping huck and right into the shower and turns on the shower full blast!
Huck: Damn! brrrrrr. Can't you atleast give me moderately hot water? I give up! you win!

7:40 Wakeroo: Mission accomplished! (Mission impossible tune playing in the background) I'll leave you to take your bath now. (performs more complex calculations and calculates success ratio as 99.5% success within one hour of transaction initiation and smiles achievingly. Who-ever gave that sarcastic pig such a perfect set of teeth? )
Huck: (door locked now. inside bathroom) zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Well, there's only so much machines can do, which brings us to our second solution.

b) sheer will power on my part! That's another story altogether ;)

Perceptions II

More perceptions. For a background, see the original perceptions

First man in desert: We are saved! We are saved! I sight water finally!
Second man in desert: You fool! That's a mirage!
First man in desert: You mean, they come with dining tables these days? wow! unbelievable!

Gal to her lover: Will you love me for ever?
poor guy: of course sweetheart!
gal: Will you love me after a year's time?
guy: Of course dear!
gal: Will you love me after a month's time?
guy: yes my love!
gal: Will you love me just like the water hugs this glass?
guy: for sure, darling!
gal: Then why is your love half empty already? Who else are you seeing???

Movie director: Alrite! This is what we will do. First we will play the BGM. Then we'll have 50 dancers in skimpy clothes dancing all around the dining table, and we'll pan the camera from the top and zoom onto the water, but there will be no movement in the glass or water. It will be symbolic of the stoic nature of our hero. What do you think?
Assistant: What an idea, sirjee!

Solving complex problems

Client: I am looking for someone, who can write a Hello World program

programmer 1: (quickly creates HelloWorld.java)

public class Hello {
  public static void main(String args[]) {
    System.out.println("Hello World");
  }
}

programmer 1: Damn!. Have to name the file Hello.java
mv HelloWorld.java Hello.java

programmer 1: compile! compile!
javac Hello.java

programmer 1: run! run!
java Hello

programmer 1: damn! classpath classpath!

export CLASSPATH=$CLASSPATH:.
java Hello

=> Hello World

programmer 1: I did it! I did it! I have conquered it! I am on top of the world! Err. what did you say you wanted again?

programmer 2: (yawn) do you want it printed vertically or horizontally or maybe at an acute angle? (tilts head sideways to demonstrate and in the process incurs a serious neck injury!)

programmer 3: I dunno. What's in it for me?

programmer 4: It's gonna take exactly 4 days. The first day I will do a design for the program. I will also provide you with a high level design document for your approval. On day 2, you sign off on the document (while I take a vacation, but you pay never-the-less), On day 3, I'll write the code and test it. On day 4, we'll do UAT and we close the project. How's that sound? I'll employ fancy AJAX where applicable in the project (which as I know is totally not applicable) and we'll follow agile development methodology (what a load of crap) to ensure rapid development. So... do we have a deal?

programmer 5: Err. do you also have a budget for testing?

programmer 6: You've come to exactly the right person. First we'll freeze on the technology stack. You know how it is with all the technologies out there. We'll do a feasibility study on our chosen technology to cover aspects of security, scalability and maintainability. We'll then do a POC. Only at that point do you have to pay anything! (but I'll make sure that I charge you a bomb then). ok?

programmer 7: I see. It's a very simple thing. I know Java, ruby, C, C++, lisp, python, awk, sed and SAP and depending on which of these you choose, the rates vary. SAP is a bit expensive. I can also give you color options like 'red','magenta','blue' and 'cyan'. oh yeah 'blue' is very very popular, but it's also expensive. After that we'll choose the OS. Here we have options like 'Windows XP', 'Linux', 'Mac OS X'. Finally we do recruitment and select a project team and they will deliver everything. Easy peasy just like making 6 decisions to buy a cup of coffee. What? Me? Oh I don't code. I am a manager.

client 2: (to a sobbing client 1) yeah I know. don't have to tell me. Face it! They are all like that and they are all over the place! I suggest you pick up a programming book yourself!

Perceptions

Different people have different takes on different situations. Here's my take on other people's takes of a very classical scene.

The scene

A glass half full of water in the center of an otherwise bare dining table. A coaster lies beside the glass on the dining table.

And here comes ...

The optimist: That's half full! Yay! :)
The pessimist: That's half empty! sigh! :(
The materialist: Two fifty bucks for the glass! and to make it perfectly fair, I'll throw in the water for free!
The philanthropist: (raising the glass in his hand) friends, thirsty-men and women, lend me your glasses!
The selfish: (after hiding the glass) what glass? what water? what do you want me to say?
The activist: The water in this glass can make thirst a thing of the past for exactly one person exactly one time
The chemist: I believe, with a little more time, we have all the perfect ingredients to make the perfect fungus the world has ever seen


The CEO: Friends, I have a open door policy just like this open glass. Call upon me anytime you have any problem, but if we are running out of drinking water, as we seem to be, please contact the administrative department instead!
HR person 1: water, oh water! look how much you need motivation! come on water! motivate yourself to come out of the glass! come on! you can do it! go water go!
HR person 2: I don't think it's working. He's not listening.
HR person 1: He is. Look he is getting agitated... Oh crikes! It's an earthquake!

The politician: vote for me! Never will a single glass in the country be half full ever again [We'll make sure to drain whatever's left also]

The music lover: (admiring at the glass) How beautiful. The glass and water in perfect synchrony with each other just like a symphony. la-la-la, la-laaa-laaa
The film actor and the vain lady: (admiring at the glass), Hmm, A little nose job, and that would make me more purrrr-fect!

The software programmer: Is this water tested properly for bacteria?
The software tester: Hey! That's my job!
The software manager: Let's not quarrel amongst us. Tester, you test it and file a report to me in XLS format
The priest: May the tester's soul rest in peace, just like the quarter portion of water remaining in this glass

The libran: Wow! What perfect balance! It's exactly at the half way mark!
The piscean, scorpion and cancerian(water signs): Hey! That's my natural environment we are talking about! A little respect is in order!
The gemini-an, aquarian, libran: That's half air in there! It's our natural environment too! and look the air is on top and spreads out! you just can't contain us! Freedom! Freedom!
Fire signs: No point going in now. Water and air are a potent combination. Ask our troops to lie low and remain on high alert. we attack at nightfall!

Mr. ant: my! oh my! I have met my soul mate finally! and she's plump just like i wanted!
The cleanliness-freak: (noticing a small greenish tinge at the bottom of the glass) err. Can i have a straw?

Trojan war lords: Ask our carpenters to stop working. We don't need the trojan horse. The fools have left their fort open!

Queue breaker 1 (Yes, They have earned their right to be a separate species): I saw it first! Mine! mine!
Queue breaker 2 : Liar! The glass reflected my image first!

Huck: spills the water on the table and starts making make-shift globs fighting against each other

fortunately and unfortunately

He got into his car to go on a long drive.


unfortunately there was no way to take the car out, being as it was sandwiched between other cars
fortunately he had many ideas up his sleeve
unfortunately all of them would fail, even if he tried, and he got tired from just thinking through
fortunately he could sleep cozily and rested himself on the wheel
unfortunately it made a blaring noise, one that got all the 457 residents of the apt complex to see what the fuss was
fortunately it also brought out the one guy who promptly moved his car to show him his escape route
unfortunately he had to bear the grunt of all the other disgruntled people
fortunately he stepped on the wheel and was far away from the maddening crowd
unfortunately the yellow flashing indicator warned him that he would be running out of gas soon
fortunately he knew there was a gas station nearby
unfortunately they were closed, it being a day for protesting that today was Tuesday
fortunately he stopped the car by the kerb and set out on foot
unfortunately he had barely walked a few steps, when he began feeling thirsty
fortunately he sighted a juice shop just around the corner
unfortunately they didn't have custard apple, something that would have been ideal for this weather
fortunately there was this pretty girl sipping an orange drink. Heck who-ever cared for custard apple?
unfortunately she was already with someone, one who was now giving him more attention that he was giving her
fortunately he began to hum a song and look up at the skies
unfortunately they didn't like it either and rewarded him with a thunderous spell of rain
fortunately he loved the rain and continued his upward stare
unfortunately they realized it and the rain ceased. who-ever heard of such quick justice?
fortunately refreshed again, he set out where his foot took him to
unfortunately his foot hit a big rock, that hurt him bad, as in real bad
fortunately he looked down and found a ring, a gold ring at that
unfortunately he had barely taken it in his hand, when a women arrived on spot and claimed it as hers
fortunately she was young and gorgeous
unfortunately she had a nasty temper
fortunately he parted away with the ring and the foul mouthed lady
unfortunately she cursed him even after he had handed over the ring voluntarily
fortunately another lady arrived on the spot and started defending him, and cursing the other automatically
unfortunately a fight ensued between the two pretty ones
fortunately he sat down to watch and wonder what they were fighting over, the ring or him
unfortunately the juice stall guy had also moved in with his mobile store and a lot of on-lookers, he no longer had his private balcony seat
fortunately the fight ended and the second lady came over to him and said a hi
unfortunately he couldn't place her, though she looked familiar
fortunately she offered to explain it all at the nearby pub
unfortunately his instinct was buzzing like mad with the red warning signals filling his face
fortunately he ignored it, and went into the pub
unfortunately they couldn't get the seat they wanted
fortunately they found another cozy corner
unfortunately it was too close to the speakers and they couldn't talk
fortunately he was getting drunk and nodding as if he understood everything
unfortunately about 10 men barged into the pub, raising slogans and protesting about the influence of western culture
fortunately the pub had bouncers, hee hee good bouncers. hic! hic!
unfortunately they were outnumbered and the bouncers were as helpless like old women
fortunately the pub had a lot of young women. surely they would be courteous to all?
unfortunately they began pulling the hair out of the young women and were now approaching his terrified companion
fortunately he was so drunk, that he grabbed a beer bottle, broke it into smithereens to use it as a weapon
unfortunately he had broken it so much, there was hardly anything left to fight with
fortunately she handed him another bottle
unfortunately the crowd around him was growing bigger and they were encircling him now like vultures
fortunately he was so drunk, their numbers didn't matter, they didn't add up anyway
unfortunately one of them landed him a big blow on his jaw
fortunately he went flying and landed on four of them, knocking them cold
unfortunately the knocker was preparing himself for a second round of blows
fortunately he hurled the bottle at him
unfortunately it missed him and landed on the wall where some famous rock star sitting on a bike was playing bgm with his guitar to the massacre
fortunately she was helping him to his feet now
unfortunately the four cold guys were also turning hot now
fortunately the rest of the pub dwellers had now rallied by his side
unfortunately most of them were drunk and had no energy to pack a punch
fortunately he thought of appeasing the mob and explaining the virtues of embracing multiple cultures
unfortunately they had been so brainwashed, they nodded their heads in refusal
fortunately he waved a inviting scotch bottle at them in front of their eyes. hic!
unfortunately it wasn't their brand
fortunately they were willing to try it, and the entire pub reveled in one big drunken orgy
unfortunately she was dragging him out now, just as he was getting to know his new friends better
fortunately he had gotten sober and walked out into the night with her
...
unfortunately he woke up with a splitting headache
fortunately he saw that the cars had moved away, drove away merrily


This post was written in the style of
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fortunately,_Unfortunately and is a reflection of contemporary India

Breaking the queue breakers

We see it all around us. jumping at queues. At bus stops, at train stations, at ATM queues, heck even at office canteens! [you probably are wondering what kind of a company am in, but that's the way it is]. Queue jumping is an art. A few glib talking ones just charm their way in. A few act as brutes due to their sheer size. A few talk in a local lingo to buy favors with the guy who's serving the queue. and yet a few more use the familiar 'handkerchief' method.

For the uninitiated, the handkerchief method is an age old tradition, that probably originated at bus stops. The act involves running all around the bus, trying to find an empty seat and throwing your handkerchief onto the seat through an open window. Then you can board the bus at leisure and claim the seat as all yours, cause the 'handkerchief' method expects total allegiance. You thought you could question it? Ha! think again.

There is a subtle form of this used in queue jumping too. It's so subtle, that you would fail to recognize it. Welcome to the modern world incarnation of the 'handkerchief' method. You can join a queue at a spot in the queue, where you already know someone. You might ask what's the big deal? They are part of a group anyway. Yes, but we aren't talking about big groups at amusement parks here. We are talking about people employing this day in and day out at every common place, that you visit, taking unfair advantage. It gets to you after a point, especially when you take the pains to take care that you don't do that. So I figured there might be a few people like me, who might need help in confronting the queue jumpers. So here it goes,


'The official Huck's list to breaking the queue breakers'

1. Look in the offender's eye. That scares most people. Yes it does, as most people do have a conscience and this 'looking in the eye' brings it out, and makes them more hesitant.
2. If you look like Hulk, then pretend to 'roll up' your sleeves. Grit your teeth. Show that you are breathing heavily and act as if you are controlling your best, your real best to control the aggression that can explode any moment. Be sure to fake it well, otherwise the only thing that's going to explode is laughter all around!
3. Exclaim WTF??? in a loud voice. If it didn't work, put your hands on your hips and exclaim WTF again! Still no luck? Try, "F***". no? "F*** you!". That should work!
   
4. Break out of the queue and perform the break-in just in front of the offender, just to show, how worthless the act was. Encourage everyone who was staying behind you in the queue to just follow your lead and break-in, and push the offender so far back. It might serve him right to push him back even farther than where he would have joined, cause queues do keep growing!
5. Carry around a dirty handkerchief and a certificate of merit. Walk around to the offender and ask him for his name. Fill it on the certificate, make sure to sign it! and hand it to him with a impromptu smile and a salute!. The dirty handkerchief is meant to serve as his lifelong memento for his contributions to honoring an age old tradition! If you have only a clean hanky, make sure to sneeze in it one last time, before handing it over! We must not upset traditions!
6. Walk up to the person and ask him for a picture. Tell him/her, that a paper is offering serious money for pictures of people breaking queues. Make sure you get a 'cheesy' picture! The offender might not give up the place, but you sure will feel gooooooood!
   
7. On a side note, if the person behind you in the queue is constantly falling over you, turn back and ask 'Hey! are you gay or what? I am sorry that I am not your type, so look elsewhere!'. [I'll leave it to you to use gay/lesbian/sex-maniac, depending on the actual context, you are in.]
   
8. Just talk to anyone in random, and exclaim in a loud voice, so the offender can hear you clearly, 'There goes one more'
9. Just stand put, imagine yourself doing any of the above and smile it off!

"Tell that one thing you absolutely, ... absolutely hate in your better half. If I were to say something, then it would be, I don't like it when you drive so fast!'

He didn't mind the question. He couldn't relate to it. He drove on detached. His mind was working out, one elusive problem that had tormented him, since yesterday. He was close to an answer. He could feel the opening of the solution sluices, and anticipated the happy deluge that would follow with elan. He was smiling. The random tropical letters and numbers, which had pledged to live together under the joint family auspices of the white house had just disappeared. He was getting too close. A quick glance sideways, and he could see the paradise that was on offer. The turn indicator came on, and he zoomed past the slow-coach. He growled at her, for having caused so much of distraction. She looked perplexed.

"I hate it, when you growl!".

He could feel his blood pressure rising. He suppressed the rising fury, and began to hum a song. He always seemed to either hum something, which he had instinctively heard a split second before, or the one song that always seemed to come to him, whatever weather it might be. This song was special, the movie not so.
There were two variations of this song, an exhilarating version that resonated inside and excited his heart, and an equally depressing version that always brought tears to him, mid-way through the humming. He forced himself to excite his heart, just as he was on the verge of breakdown. It was easy, for the rhythms were similar. He couldn't contain it, and had to be content alternating it in between.

"Boy! I just hate your singing!"

Years back, some one he had liked, had left him stranded. He had had mixed feelings about it, and thought it akin to the protagonist's feelings in the depressing variation of the song. He couldn't relate to it. Years after, he had fallen in love, for real this time. He could relate to it, only too well. It had brought him tears. It also ended with a smile, for he had dared to want to experience it. He dared to dream again, to imagine again. The same rhythm, but the one that would excite his heart and keep him there. He knew it was a experience worth waiting for, even if it sapped him of the other half that was left of his life. He waited patiently. No desperation. No hurry.

"I hate it, when you're lost in your own world"

Alright! If you have read till this point, here's a small trivia. Who is asking the first question in the above narration?