Saturday, April 18, 2009

Perceptions II

More perceptions. For a background, see the original perceptions

First man in desert: We are saved! We are saved! I sight water finally!
Second man in desert: You fool! That's a mirage!
First man in desert: You mean, they come with dining tables these days? wow! unbelievable!

Gal to her lover:
Will you love me for ever?
poor guy: of course sweetheart!
gal: Will you love me after a year's time?
guy: Of course dear!
gal: Will you love me after a month's time?
guy: yes my love!
gal: Will you love me just like the water hugs this glass?
guy: for sure, darling!
gal: Then why is your love half empty already? Who else are you seeing???

Movie director: Alrite! This is what we will do. First we will play the BGM. Then we'll have 50 dancers in skimpy clothes dancing all around the dining table, and we'll pan the camera from the top and zoom onto the water, but there will be no movement in the glass or water. It will be symbolic of the stoic nature of our hero. What do you think?
Assistant: What an idea, sirjee!

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Solving complex problems

Client: I am looking for someone, who can write a Hello World program

programmer 1: (quickly creates

public class Hello {
public static void main(String args[]) {
System.out.println("Hello World");

programmer 1: Damn!. Have to name the file

programmer 1: compile! compile!

programmer 1: run! run!
java Hello

programmer 1: damn! classpath classpath!
java Hello

=> Hello World
programmer 1: I did it! I did it! I have conquered it! I am on top of the world! Err. what did you say you wanted again?

programmer 2: (yawn) do you want it printed vertically or horizontally or maybe at an acute angle? (tilts head sideways to demonstrate and in the process incurs a serious neck injury!)

programmer 3: I dunno. What's in it for me?

programmer 4: It's gonna take exactly 4 days. The first day I will do a design for the program. I will also provide you with a high level design document for your approval. On day 2, you sign off on the document (while I take a vacation, but you pay never-the-less), On day 3, I'll write the code and test it. On day 4, we'll do UAT and we close the project. How's that sound? I'll employ fancy AJAX where applicable in the project (which as I know is totally not applicable) and we'll follow agile development methodology (what a load of crap) to ensure rapid development. So... do we have a deal?

programmer 5: Err. do you also have a budget for testing?

programmer 6: You've come to exactly the right person. First we'll freeze on the technology stack. You know how it is with all the technologies out there. We'll do a feasibility study on our chosen technology to cover aspects of security, scalability and maintainability. We'll then do a POC. Only at that point do you have to pay anything! (but I'll make sure that I charge you a bomb then). ok?

programmer 7: I see. It's a very simple thing. I know Java, ruby, C, C++, lisp, python, awk, sed and SAP and depending on which of these you choose, the rates vary. SAP is a bit expensive. I can also give you color options like 'red','magenta','blue' and 'cyan'. oh yeah 'blue' is very very popular, but it's also expensive. After that we'll choose the OS. Here we have options like 'Windows XP', 'Linux', 'Mac OS X'. Finally we do recruitment and select a project team and they will deliver everything. Easy peasy just like making 6 decisions to buy a cup of coffee. What? Me? Oh I don't code. I am a manager.

client 2:
(to a sobbing client 1) yeah I know. don't have to tell me. Face it! They are all like that and they are all over the place! I suggest you pick up a programming book yourself!


Different people have different takes on different situations. Here's my take on other people's takes of a very classical scene.

The scene

A glass half full of water in the center of an otherwise bare dining table. A coaster lies beside the glass on the dining table.

And here comes ...

The optimist: That's half full! Yay! :)
The pessimist: That's half empty! sigh! :(
The materialist: Two fifty bucks for the glass! and to make it perfectly fair, I'll throw in the water for free!
The philanthropist: (raising the glass in his hand) friends, thirsty-men and women, lend me your glasses!
The selfish: (after hiding the glass) what glass? what water? what do you want me to say?
The activist: The water in this glass can make thirst a thing of the past for exactly one person exactly one time
The chemist: I believe, with a little more time, we have all the perfect ingredients to make the perfect fungus the world has ever seen

The CEO: Friends, I have a open door policy just like this open glass. Call upon me anytime you have any problem, but if we are running out of drinking water, as we seem to be, please contact the administrative department instead!
HR person 1: water, oh water! look how much you need motivation! come on water! motivate yourself to come out of the glass! come on! you can do it! go water go!
HR person 2:
I don't think it's working. He's not listening.
HR person 1:
He is. Look he is getting agitated... Oh crikes! It's an earthquake!

The politician:
vote for me! Never will a single glass in the country be half full ever again [We'll make sure to drain whatever's left also]

The music lover:
(admiring at the glass) How beautiful. The glass and water in perfect synchrony with each other just like a symphony. la-la-la, la-laaa-laaa
The film actor and the vain lady:
(admiring at the glass), Hmm, A little nose job, and that would make me more purrrr-fect!

The software programmer:
Is this water tested properly for bacteria?
The software tester:
Hey! That's my job!
The software manager:
Let's not quarrel amongst us. Tester, you test it and file a report to me in XLS format
The priest:
May the tester's soul rest in peace, just like the quarter portion of water remaining in this glass

The libran:
Wow! What perfect balance! It's exactly at the half way mark!
The piscean, scorpion and cancerian(water signs):
Hey! That's my natural environment we are talking about! A little respect is in order!
The gemini-an, aquarian, libran:
That's half air in there! It's our natural environment too! and look the air is on top and spreads out! you just can't contain us! Freedom! Freedom!
Fire signs:
No point going in now. Water and air are a potent combination. Ask our troops to lie low and remain on high alert. we attack at nightfall!

Mr. ant:
my! oh my! I have met my soul mate finally! and she's plump just like i wanted!
The cleanliness-freak:
(noticing a small greenish tinge at the bottom of the glass) err. Can i have a straw?

Trojan war lords:
Ask our carpenters to stop working. We don't need the trojan horse. The fools have left their fort open!

Queue breaker 1
(Yes, They have earned their right to be a separate species): I saw it first! Mine! mine!
Queue breaker 2 :
Liar! The glass reflected my image first!

spills the water on the table and starts making make-shift globs fighting against each other