Sunday, August 30, 2009

The silent partner

Disclaimer: A few wonderful people have indicated that the post below casts them into moods of depression. Yes, it is rather tragic, but being able to articulate about reality as it is helps in a way. On a positive note, I suppose am making a mark as a novelist if am able to evoke such extreme reactions! End_of_disclaimer

"Honey! I am Home!". Three magical words, that would no doubt cause immense joy and strange, but happy biological reactions within millions of people. To me, they cause despair, deep anguish, and a feeling of being stuck where I don't want to be...


It's been a few months now, since she moved into my life. I didn't want her in my life, but then not everything in my life has been about my choices, and what I have wanted. She comes and goes as she pleases, and is fiercely possessive about me. Possessive almost to the point of suffocating me. She's pretty no doubt, but she keeps changing her visage in line with the trendiest fashions. I hardly know her true face. She lives with me some days, and some days she's off traveling around the world. She's always back and talks to me about her worldly experiences, experiences, which I can only dream of...

Sometimes she stays overnight and at night rests her pretty face on my chest. She asks me to hug her tightly and I oblige willingly. As I hold her, I think about the day, when she would be out of my life and a small smile appears in the corner of my face. She can sense my thoughts. She gets up and looks at me without blinking, with her chin on my chest, until the smile is transformed back to the familiar nonchalant neutral expression that am famous for. Contented, she snuggles closer to me and a whiff of the male deodorant that she uses, en-wraps me just like her.

At morning, her pretty face still nests comfortably on my chest. She pleads with me for another five minutes, as I try to get up. I let her plead for a few more times, until I give in to the cuteness of her pout and concede finally. It is a pleasure watching her sleep. I know that her day would be very tiring. She works as a door-to-door sales woman and almost everyone bangs the door hard on her, and it's only the comfort of having me in her life, that keeps her going. The clock ticks slowly, but surely and the five minutes grows into five hours and finally I get up to leave. She blows me a kiss and waves me a goodbye.

As I get into the car and shut it, a familiar thought and there she is knocking on the glass, with all smiles. I turn the key to let the power windows work it's magic and catch a whiff of her, but she thinks that I am running away from her. With tears rolling down those pretty cheeks, she rushes back leaving me despairing at my plight.


She doesn't like me socializing much. One moment you see that smile. One moment you see the nonchalance back. It perplexes people a lot, and they wisely keep away from me. She nods approvingly at the gleeful prospect of having me all to herself.

Many a time I have commanded, ordered, asked, requested, and even begged her to leave me alone. She dismisses everything with an air of, I don't even know the meaning of that statement. At times of utter desperation, she promises me, that one day she will leave me and that would be the day, when she knows that I am where I need to be. I look forward to that with hope, but I don't know if I will ever see the light of that day...

Amidst all the agony she causes, all her possessiveness, she lets me have my freedom. Freedom to do as I please. She doesn't say back one harsh word. Never one to say anything more than a few words, her actions speak a lot more. As I write this blog, I can feel her steady breath, as she glances over my shoulder, reading the very words that attack her so vehemently, with a pleasant acceptance of how I feel about her...

My name is Huck and her name is loneliness.

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