Sunday, June 28, 2009

Huck's hideout

Life is full of emotional dramas. Let me guess, a lot more is in store. I suppose I can't stop them, but I can make it difficult for emotional dramas to reach me. So here's the plan.

I intend to live on an island, 'Huck's Hideout' and nope you cannot absolutely reach me, until I say so. Here's why

You can't swim across - It's shark infested and they all have a abiding duty to protect me. Don't ask me how I ever communicated it to them!

You can't do a drop-in using a parachute or anything - For the simple reason, there are shoot at sight orders. The moment a parachute is sighted, you can rest assure that it will be gunned down. If you are willing to take a risk, please do so with a cheap quality parachute. At least you can die with the satisfaction that you left behind some money for your kin!

You can't hire a boat across - Ah technically you can, but all the boat operators will make you fill up a visa application form. The application form runs into 10 pages (Yes I know it's more than the US immigration form, DS-156, and all that). An excerpt from the form revealing a few of the 'simple' questions is as follows

1.a) What is the purpose of your trip to Huck's hideout? If it's business, then you have no business on Huck's hideout. If it's personal, then you are personally asked to scram!
1.b) Have you ever been involved in an emotional drama? If so, please do write a novel on the same, get it published by one of the recognized publishers listed in the Appendix of this form, and re-submit this application along with a copy of your novel. Your case will not be considered until then. Please also quote 'Huck's hideout' as one of your inspirations behind the novel in the acknowledgments.
1.c) If you answered 'no' to 1.b), well frankly we don't believe you and your application is rejected out rightly. Please re-apply after 18 months. Any appeals can be filed after 24 months.
2) Do you intend to cause any harm to any living soul on Huck's hideout? (Harm can be of the following types - physically, mentally, emotionally, psychologically, x-ally) - If so, you are strongly advised that you have bright prospects out there in the real world, rather than bothering the inhabitants of Huck's hideout.
3.a) Do you intend to immigrate to Huck's hideout? If yes, please answer 3b)
3.b) Do you have a touching story, one touching enough to be admitted?

4.a) Please affix a recent passport photograph, taken strictly in a zodiac blue shirt, a black trouser and a regimental tie with red stripes on a white background, the stripes being inclined at an angle of 45 degrees (Yeah we know that the trouser ain't visible in the photograph, but the visa form won't be accepted until you provide us proof that you actually did follow such a simple instruction)

5.a) Who will cover the expenses of your trip? [Please do note that if you are unable to support yourself on Huck's hideout, you will be fodder for our sharks]. As proof, we require the following
- Bank statements for the last 15 years (If you ain't been working that long enough, age a bit and come back)
- A voice recorded statement in Mp3 format stating 'I have the funds', which will be subjected to our automatic lie detector program
- A summary of all the purchases that you have made in the last 3 months. The purchases need to be classified as the following types, 'necessity','I just needed the damn thing', 'I was impulsive'. The application will be accepted only if the percentages for each of the above three categories are within our defined thresholds


67.a) Finally, please board the boat with a copy of a GPOA, ensuring that someone else can take care of everything that you have, in case you don't ever return back.

It doesn't end there :)

Please wait in line to pass security and board the boat.
"Did you pack your bags yourself?"
"Yes I did!"
"Can you give us proof of that?"

After 1 day

"I have a recording of me packing my bags myself."
"Great! Let's see it!.. err. Sorry, that hair conditioner is not allowed! Jesus! Someone can get hurt from that! What were you thinking? You need to re-pack and yes re-record!"

After another day

If you do manage to get this far, then on arriving at the island, you will be greeted by our immigration officer, who will take a biometric reading of your fingerprint, and look irritated that your fingerprint is not in our database (it's a brand new database. what do you expect?). Your finger print will be stored promptly and you will be asked to re-apply with a fresh visa application form after 6 months. Till that time, you can opt to go back to the real world (in which case you are dis-barred from ever applying again) or stay on the Island in our transit quarters. We will provide you a temporary place to stay in our zoo. Your quarters will be shared by Boobo, our brightest chimpanzee and Laka, our deadliest viper and no! you can't have your baggage yet.

6 months later

Our immigration officer greets you again. Will check our biometric database with your fingerprint.
"Hey! one match! It's your lucky day!"

Onward to baggage claim

"What? No baggage? Where's my baggage???"
"Sorry Sir/Madam. The Baggage claim has a anti terrorist policy to destroy all bags not claimed within 5 months and 29 days."

"Fine!" Fuming!
"I made it. I did it! Where's huck? I want to meet him."

"Yes sir/madam. Of course. Please fill out this 100 page application form to enter the palace in the Island! "

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