Thursday, April 16, 2009

Solving complex problems

Client: I am looking for someone, who can write a Hello World program

programmer 1: (quickly creates

public class Hello {
public static void main(String args[]) {
System.out.println("Hello World");

programmer 1: Damn!. Have to name the file

programmer 1: compile! compile!

programmer 1: run! run!
java Hello

programmer 1: damn! classpath classpath!
java Hello

=> Hello World
programmer 1: I did it! I did it! I have conquered it! I am on top of the world! Err. what did you say you wanted again?

programmer 2: (yawn) do you want it printed vertically or horizontally or maybe at an acute angle? (tilts head sideways to demonstrate and in the process incurs a serious neck injury!)

programmer 3: I dunno. What's in it for me?

programmer 4: It's gonna take exactly 4 days. The first day I will do a design for the program. I will also provide you with a high level design document for your approval. On day 2, you sign off on the document (while I take a vacation, but you pay never-the-less), On day 3, I'll write the code and test it. On day 4, we'll do UAT and we close the project. How's that sound? I'll employ fancy AJAX where applicable in the project (which as I know is totally not applicable) and we'll follow agile development methodology (what a load of crap) to ensure rapid development. So... do we have a deal?

programmer 5: Err. do you also have a budget for testing?

programmer 6: You've come to exactly the right person. First we'll freeze on the technology stack. You know how it is with all the technologies out there. We'll do a feasibility study on our chosen technology to cover aspects of security, scalability and maintainability. We'll then do a POC. Only at that point do you have to pay anything! (but I'll make sure that I charge you a bomb then). ok?

programmer 7: I see. It's a very simple thing. I know Java, ruby, C, C++, lisp, python, awk, sed and SAP and depending on which of these you choose, the rates vary. SAP is a bit expensive. I can also give you color options like 'red','magenta','blue' and 'cyan'. oh yeah 'blue' is very very popular, but it's also expensive. After that we'll choose the OS. Here we have options like 'Windows XP', 'Linux', 'Mac OS X'. Finally we do recruitment and select a project team and they will deliver everything. Easy peasy just like making 6 decisions to buy a cup of coffee. What? Me? Oh I don't code. I am a manager.

client 2:
(to a sobbing client 1) yeah I know. don't have to tell me. Face it! They are all like that and they are all over the place! I suggest you pick up a programming book yourself!

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