Wednesday, January 18, 2012

On matrimonial sites

Having spent some time on matrimonial sites (unsuccessfully!), I have a few interesting observations.

1. Most people are clue-less about what the term 'broad minded' means.

Here's an example.
"I am a broad-minded, happy person. I am looking for someone who's also a Iyer, but should not be my gothra. The following stars (x,y,z,...) are acceptable."

I am not really sure what people still see in castes. I don't have one clue about what it is that I do as part of my daily life that's unique to my caste and differentiates me from the rest of the world. Fact is I'll probably ditch it, the moment I do find something. Funnily enough my parents to whom all these things matter aren't exactly able to answer this question convincingly enough. The Brahmins want only other Brahmins. The Mudaliyars want only other Mudaliyars. Brahmin Iyers want only other Brahmin Iyers. Brahmin Iyengars want only other Brahmin Iyengars. So I figured to look for some one who claims to be broad minded and have some probability of them actually being so, I had to look for people who advertised caste-no-bar in their profile. I did find a lot of profiles for this filter, though it soon dawned on me that the Brahmin Iyengars mark caste-no-bar to indicate they are fine with the Brahmin Iyers and vice versa! So well they sort of came out of their Iyengar well and embraced the Iyer well. Still doesn't work for me, though cause am not a Brahmin at all! So why am I looking at Brahmins? Cause they seem to be the only ones who seem to articulate about themselves reasonably well. Well, too many wells here!

2. Horoscopes are a big deal
No a really big deal. Say the above slowly until it sinks in...

So I got a interest from one seemingly liberal profile. So I accept thinking I could now correspond with her only to be confronted by a stubborn mom who insists on horoscope matching out of the blue. Ok fine. Here you go. Pass me yours. So it turns out she's a Manglik (Tamil: Chevvai dosham. - Apparently the prominent presence of mars in one's horoscope and a trait that makes an individual very aggressive and ruthless. Ok I cooked up the ruthless part. Anyways astrologers say Mangliks should marry only other Mangliks) and basic star was not matching. After talking with my parents and ascertaining that they were actually fine if I wanted to proceed, I go and talk to this stubborn mom laying down all facts and wanting to proceed to the stage where I could finally talk with her daughter. This stubborn mom insists that since my parents think she's a Manglik when she's not(as per their astrologer) it will lead to complications later. And she lays down a side note, since basic star is not matching, we'll not proceed. I then called bullshit on her (though quite diplomatically), defended my parents for the first time and made her look like a total fool in front of my own eyes. If you don't want to proceed, fine, just don't enact a drama about being broad-minded and liberal when you are way off lady!

3. There are then the very scary characters that say "wanted only genuine people who are looking for a quick marriage."
My only wish is to respond to these "... and a quicker divorce", sadly there's only the 'express interest' button which hmm doesn't exactly convey what I think about what they write.

4. Eventually you hit upon one tiny thing, one tiny weeny thing that frustrates the hell out of you. Like Seinfeld and the one-at-a-time peas episode.

5. People start with 'n' restrictions. Enough time passes, 'n' becomes smaller and smaller as it tends towards zero. The key to a happy married life is probably if 'n' is zero, but I doubt most people would even let 'n' get into single figures. I have a small list that starts with, "The value of 'n' for the other person should not be > 5" and most simply fail that.

6. A couple of years back someone called me superficial and shallow for asking her if she would change her hair style and learn some basic dining etiquette. I've since apologized for the hurt caused, but then I ask myself, who am I kidding? Would I be really willing to be with someone who admits to not knowing how to hold a fork and one who didn't bother to even try all of 26 years? I guess not.

I think you need a completely different mindset if you want to get married through a matrimonial site or through other arranged marriage channels. I can see myself readily forgoing all my "n" criteria, if I just blindly fall in love again, for then I know that there's something for me to hold on - what I feel for the other person, but without that there's nothing else to hold except those "n" restrictions and without a hold, I just feel like am falling and crashing... Maybe that's the key. To let go totally and not need to hold on to anything, but then that would mean, I could just walk out on the street and get married to the first willing person. What if l discover later that she eats her peas one at a time? :)

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