Friday, December 11, 2009

Live and let live ...

It's been a rather long night talking to a friend, who is going through a break-up and I found myself expounding my own theories on how to move on.

Everyone knows that break-ups are painful. The ego is hurt. The pride has to be swallowed. There are and will always be unanswered questions. There is trauma. Dreams evaporate before your very eyes. There is anger. There is depression. There is a feeling of being inadequate. There is a feeling of being totally useless. There are immediate regrets and what ifs. What if I had tried this, tried that? Would things be different? There are fleeting thoughts of what is the purpose of life and what's next. There are vague hazy visions of the future. There will be philosophical questions about yourself, about the existence of God, about whether justice exists in the world today. Well, let's just say it is and it would be a total mess that's simply not possible to explain without experiencing for oneself.

There are multiple ways to deal with it and while it's simply not possible to be so cold blooded-ly analytical and logical (as below) at a time when emotions and tempers will run high, it's not impossible as well.

There is the well familiar way of venting out your frustrations, of trying to reverse the tables of inadequacy, hurt ego back on to the other person. This is probably best captured in numerous movies. The most recent one that comes to my mind is 'Jab we met'.
The problem with this approach is it gives rise to anger and you simply can't say when you are in control and when your own anger is going to consume you. How would one know how much of retaliation is enough? How would you know when to stop, when you are undergoing all the feelings that I had explained earlier in this post? You read so many stories of how things went bad and then turned so violent. A more fundamental problem that I have with this approach is that you start to ridicule your own feelings. Let's say you loved someone deeply. Let's say things didn't work out. So would your love or what you felt be simply changed to hatred just because it didn't work out? Just because the other person left you away? That's so convenient. Is your love so conditional that it can exist only if the other person reciprocated? So fragile? What then is the meaning of unconditional love? Isn't all of love supposed to be unconditional? What then is love itself, if not unconditional? Why bother with these feelings if it's anything else? Does it matter?

Ok. So if love is unconditional, how do i ever move on? Well, that's precisely what brings us to another approach, seldom practiced out in the real world.
First is to realize that relationships seldom break-up cause of one person alone. On the face of it, it might seem that one person is totally at fault and the other totally perfect, but when you strip the facade and look deeper, there will be some size-able fault with both the people involved.
Secondly the person undergoing the painful break-up simply wishes the other person well, and walks away upholding his/her dignity. Find constructive ways in which you can channel your energies to create something of beauty, something of joy.
Write a novel...
Learn music...
Sketch something...
Learn a new hobby...
Tinker around with an automobile...
Go on a long tour...
Direct a movie...
Work like mad!...
Call up and surround yourself with friends, people whose company you enjoy...
Do home interiors...
Participate in contests and competitions...
Try to win a few...
Do some sudoku...
Try cooking new cuisines...
Run a marathon...
Get into a fitness regime...
or just try something different!

Slowly you would re-build yourself, re-invent yourself, feeling good about yourself and the day you are able to do that and be able to think of your past with a smile, know that you are ready all over again to share your life with someone else. This, arguably is significantly harder, for it involves not having to betray your own feelings of what you had felt once, but still being able to simply accept the past and move on...

Moving on is just a state of acceptance of things as they are and you don't necessarily need hate to do that...

Live and let live...

Thursday, September 10, 2009

personal attacks

Invariably, at some point in time, you would meet someone, who has the audacity to self proclaim themselves as a health expert with an acute eye for observation and tell you

"My My! Look at you! Look how thin you have become"

First I thought that they reserved such statements only for me, but apparently it's become more like a "Hello How are you" kind of statement now-a-days. Most of them also equate thin-ness to be a sign of being in the doldrums. It is a sad world, where fatness is associated with prosperity. Protest is futile, for irrespective of how much weight you manage to put on, you will hear the same. If you don't believe me, read this post from the beginning all over again.

I used to wonder how can educated folks be so crass, insensitive and stupid. I have rather painfully come to realize that education has nothing to do with it. Education is like a sword. How you use it is solely up to you. Whether you want to slay people with it or whether you want to take on where Robin Hood left, is up to you.

Here are a few ways to tackle these self diagnosed medical, ahem quacks?

A: My My! Look at you! Look how thin you are!
Huck: What's your problem?
A: This ain't healthy man!
Huck: So you associate being fat with health?
A: Of course! Also with prosperity!
Huck: Well then I suggest that you settle down in Japan, marry a sumo wrestler and have sumo kids. I even have great names for your kids, sumo Jr., sumoya, sumoyi, ...

B: My My! Look at you! How thin you are!
Huck: Sadly I wish I could say the same about you. but am sorry! You are just way too bloated out of control that you look like you are going to burst any moment. We are going to have a hell of a time cleaning the floor. Careful! walk slowly!

C: My My! Look at you! How thin you are! You ain't going to get married looking like this!
Huck: I know! Am specifically trying to keep your species away!

D: My My! Look at you! How thin you are!
Huck: Do you have 300 Rs?
D: Yes. I do. why?
Huck: There's a shop in C.M.H road which sells mirrors. You need a mirror very very badly to look at the state you are in. It's unbelievable. I just can't describe it. Please do yourself a favor. buy the mirror!

E: My My! Look at you! How thin you are!
E: No reply?
Huck: Well I ain't like you. I don't make personal comments against other people.
E: Huh? I am pretty thick-skinned to fall for that!
Huck: [silence]

F: My My! Look at you! How thin you are!
[mischievous smile]
F: What?
[longer mischievous smile]

G: My My! Look at you! How thin you are!
Huck: Yes. I can't match you there, but I betcha you can't match me in another.
G: What's that?
Huck: In temper. Now shut the f*** up, a******.

This is my all-time favourite

H: My My! Look at you!
Huck: STOP!
H: Why?
Huck: You were going to say How thin you are. right?
H: Hey! How did you know?
Huck: I always knew you had nothing original about you ;)
On a related note,
Here are a few good things that you *can* say when you meet people.

A: Hey! How's it going?
Huck: Cool! You look awesome
A: You too man! as usual!

B: Hey! Long time no see! There's a glow on your face! What's cooking?
Huck: It's just having you as a good friend, buddy! :)

Spread the joy folks! The world sure needs it!

Sunday, August 30, 2009

The silent partner

Disclaimer: A few wonderful people have indicated that the post below casts them into moods of depression. Yes, it is rather tragic, but being able to articulate about reality as it is helps in a way. On a positive note, I suppose am making a mark as a novelist if am able to evoke such extreme reactions! End_of_disclaimer

"Honey! I am Home!". Three magical words, that would no doubt cause immense joy and strange, but happy biological reactions within millions of people. To me, they cause despair, deep anguish, and a feeling of being stuck where I don't want to be...

It's been a few months now, since she moved into my life. I didn't want her in my life, but then not everything in my life has been about my choices, and what I have wanted. She comes and goes as she pleases, and is fiercely possessive about me. Possessive almost to the point of suffocating me. She's pretty no doubt, but she keeps changing her visage in line with the trendiest fashions. I hardly know her true face. She lives with me some days, and some days she's off traveling around the world. She's always back and talks to me about her worldly experiences, experiences, which I can only dream of...

Sometimes she stays overnight and at night rests her pretty face on my chest. She asks me to hug her tightly and I oblige willingly. As I hold her, I think about the day, when she would be out of my life and a small smile appears in the corner of my face. She can sense my thoughts. She gets up and looks at me without blinking, with her chin on my chest, until the smile is transformed back to the familiar nonchalant neutral expression that am famous for. Contented, she snuggles closer to me and a whiff of the male deodorant that she uses, en-wraps me just like her.

At morning, her pretty face still nests comfortably on my chest. She pleads with me for another five minutes, as I try to get up. I let her plead for a few more times, until I give in to the cuteness of her pout and concede finally. It is a pleasure watching her sleep. I know that her day would be very tiring. She works as a door-to-door sales woman and almost everyone bangs the door hard on her, and it's only the comfort of having me in her life, that keeps her going. The clock ticks slowly, but surely and the five minutes grows into five hours and finally I get up to leave. She blows me a kiss and waves me a goodbye.

As I get into the car and shut it, a familiar thought and there she is knocking on the glass, with all smiles. I turn the key to let the power windows work it's magic and catch a whiff of her, but she thinks that I am running away from her. With tears rolling down those pretty cheeks, she rushes back leaving me despairing at my plight.

She doesn't like me socializing much. One moment you see that smile. One moment you see the nonchalance back. It perplexes people a lot, and they wisely keep away from me. She nods approvingly at the gleeful prospect of having me all to herself.

Many a time I have commanded, ordered, asked, requested, and even begged her to leave me alone. She dismisses everything with an air of, I don't even know the meaning of that statement. At times of utter desperation, she promises me, that one day she will leave me and that would be the day, when she knows that I am where I need to be. I look forward to that with hope, but I don't know if I will ever see the light of that day...

Amidst all the agony she causes, all her possessiveness, she lets me have my freedom. Freedom to do as I please. She doesn't say back one harsh word. Never one to say anything more than a few words, her actions speak a lot more. As I write this blog, I can feel her steady breath, as she glances over my shoulder, reading the very words that attack her so vehemently, with a pleasant acceptance of how I feel about her...

My name is Huck and her name is loneliness.

Thursday, August 27, 2009

The finale! - VII

Live on Television

Huck: Welcome to the final episode on Huck's talk show!
Producer: It's about time! Your viewers have been very very patient indeed!
Huck: Whose side are you on anyway?
Producer: Since it's the last show, I thought I'll speak my mind for once! you better have a good reason for the delay! and an acceptable one at that!

Huck: Folks, I know we promised you a date of August 15 and we are well past that for this last show, but am sure you don't mind. Chew on what am going to say next for a minute, before am judged harshly for my delay!

Huck now walking around like Guna in the movie Guna!

You put up with real estate builders building your homes and delaying your move-in by at least a year (if you are lucky!)
You put up with queues paying electricity bills, at the bank, at canteens, at malls, waiting for lifts when that time could be spent elsewhere.
You put up with traffic jams and wait patiently for the cars to inch a centimeter ahead (No point, the centipedes would still win the race!)
If you are a clueless(like most of them) client, you put up with those damn @#$@%$ software engineers and their haphazard crazy estimations under fanciful terms like agile, waterfall, spiral, twisted, convoluted @#$@%#%
You put up with wierdo families who come all (papa, mama, kiddo1, kiddo2) covered in masks to protect themselves against H1N1 and yet come to a theater and move along with the crowds, when they could just sit home and watch a movie on DVD (original of course)
You put up with polluted water, that you end up buying water, which itself is polluted with minerals!
You put up with scarcity of rain, and when it rains so much finally, you put up with flooded roads due to poor infrastructure planning!
If you are in Bangalore, You put up with never ending construction of flyovers, that by the time the flyovers get done, the amount of vehicles that ply on it would have rapidly multiplied, so you have the original problem in it's full glory to solve again! (What next a flyover on top of a flyover?)
You put up with mean spirited people, people who can't utter one good word to you

You put up with crazy religious beliefs, superstitions, astrological nonsense and are ready to believe anything and everything, including something as bizarre as if you forward a link to this blog about this talk show to 16 other people, then you will live for another 16 long years (doesn't matter if you are already 90 years old and pushing it...!)

You put up with people, who you are well aware are manipulating and using you for their own trivial needs
You put up with people who make personal comments against you and who take you for granted
You put up with the fact that you still don't freaking know whether the chicken came first or the egg!

a hell lot more put-ups (sorry no push-ups here)

Finally you put up with yourself for the number of times that you end up contradicting yourself, your own views, your own image of yourself, your resolutions and your constant breakage of the same @#$@$

Man! you mean to tell me that you can't put up with one tiny weeny delay about a non consequential telly show that is well past it's shelf life. Wow! If so, then I have just one thing to tell you and that is [beep], [beeep], [beeeeeeeeeeep]

screen flickering live

You see when you put-up with something, there is a delay (You don't need Sherlock Holmes to point you that much) and that makes you sorta immune after some time.

Let me give you an example. I personally waited for a long time to get one apartment deal to go through and finally when it did happen, it was at a totally unexpected time after all hopes have been lost. When it finally did happen, it was a victory, but a Pyrrhic one never-the-less. An inordinate unacceptable amount of time had been lost already. With time, all your dreams of getting the interiors done just go up in smoke, for you couldn't care less. Just gimme the goddamn place @#$@$@ and let me move in. That's the final attitude that you are left with and to come out of that does take something...

I could give a lot more instances from my life about my career, about relationships, about waiting for that one thing. After some time it's just pointless. Whatever you aspired for, your dreams, they are still out there, but they are pretty much just a part of the scenery. You don't recognize it yourself anymore nor do you care really. You pass along this lovely looking tall tree every day. You hardly pause to appreciate it in full bloom. The same it is with dreams, your aspirations, your hopes. It all becomes a part of the scenery. That's the inevitable natural course of things.

The point of this final talk show is not to talk about me, but to get each one of you to talk to yourselves. Did you wait eagerly for this talk show till 15th, 16th, 17th and then got to a point where you just didn't care whether it ever came or not, or were you eagerly awaiting till this very moment in eager anticipation, knowing for sure when it did happen, it would never disappoint you? No am not talking about the talk show now. Am talking about your own lives! What in your life, your dreams, that you desired has become so part of the scenery, that you hardly recognize it anymore? What? What can you do about it? Will you do something if you can?

Well, you see I couldn't talk about all this without actually making you put-up with a delay! and if you think am going to f****** apologize for the delay, for trying to make you better your own lives, well, then [beep, beeep , triple beeep]. You see all this talk wouldn't have resonated within you without the delay, without the 'put-up'. It was a special light bulb moment :)

With that, this talk show comes to a end! Thank you for tuning in to us today!

Producer: Man, I have to give it to you, but that was some deep deep stuff!
Huck: You know I've been waiting for something so much that I just realized how much I could do something about it now
Producer: And what's that?
Huck: Kick your bu** on live television! Hey you wait! Where are you running? Cameraman follow me! We gotta capture this live action! It will sell like hot cakes! And after me, you can have your turn tooo! There's plenty of space in this fatso to go around!

screen flickering

P.S. If you liked Huck's talk show and would like to drop in a note/comment appreciating it highly, we heartily recommend so! Do so! If however, you have only brick-bats, then we recommend that you hold it in your right hand (left hand if you are leftie) and swing the bat well around with all the force you can, until you make excellent precise contact with your own skull! (with a THUD! for good effect!)

Monday, August 3, 2009

Anti climax! - VI

Live on Television

Huck: Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Huck's talk show!
Producer: Are you going to tell them or not?
Huck: I am worried about the reactions, but anyways here goes.

brief pause and heavy breathing

Huck: Folks, we've run into problems with the censor board, the wildlife protection group, the red cross group, the income tax department, the education ministry, women's rights groups, national human rights commission, political groups and the association of 'well behaved people' (Who even knew they existed???).
All these groups have criticized the show for it's dripping satire and sarcasm. A few of us have been threatened with dire consequences, if we continued to host this show. A few of us have received murder threats. I now read out a long list of threats, comments that we have received.

Censor Board: Who the f*** gave you a certificate to host a show with so many f****** comments in it? f***, whoever granted the f****** certificate!

Wild-life protection group: There were no animals used in any of your shows! What role do we have in society if you are not planning to use any animals/birds? Unless you want to use them, our signatures are rendered obsolete! We, the wild-life protection group, are becoming an endangered species because of your senseless acts!

Education ministry: We condemn the episode on education. It made a motal tockery of education. Further sex education was not covered and was deemed out of syllabus. violation of protocol.

Income Tax: All those SMS's - the money that you raked in, have you paid tax on that? That swivel chair, that your producer uses, is that imported? What about the advts? How can a show be so popular and have only one advt? Where are the funds coming from? Swiss/Cayman Islands? Where are your accounts? Where is ...
(The list of questions runs to a 400 page document, but you get the general idea...)

Women's rights: In the dance show, the woman received less points than both the men. We condemn this outrageous act. This was a classic case of gender discrimination. We have filed a complaint with the national human rights commission.

National Human rights commission: We have received a complaint from the Women's rights groups. We are investigating it and you should soon be receiving a detailed notice. You have been warned! We will approach you to take your statements, where-ever you might be (We think the likely place would be a Jail, though)

Red cross: Not one paisa was contributed to charity. A show this popular, and so greedy. The gluttonous producer and the menacing uncouth Huck make only personal attacks against people and do not contribute anything back to society!

Political Group 1: I made a telephone call during the dance show to make my nephew (contestant 1) win. Why didn't he win? Boy! are you in trouble now!

Political Group 2: Did you know that Mr. IKL from your talk show is from the minority caste? Do you have any idea what that means? Tuesday will be a bandh to condemn your action in public!

Political Group 3: We deplore this talk show. This show is against our culture. Our culture is being vandalized by this show. (Come on my men! Let's vandalize their studio in return!)

Death Threat 1: Shut down shop and go abroad and settle, before it's too late.

Death Threat 2: We are from the underworld. Congratulations! You have received a promotion and now are no 1. and no. 2 on the hit list. The producer is no.1 and Huck is no.2. We are however flexible and willing to swap these positions, if you so desire. Wondering what the difference between these two positions are? Hmm. we would say about a minute or so!

Death Threat 3: Do you like to be burnt or buried? Our preference is to burn you. We can save some money on the caskets that way.

Association of Well behaved people: (letter follows)

Esteemed and Honorable Producer and Dear Huck,
It is with the deepest apologies that we have to write such a letter to both your respected selves. We find the content on the talk shows very disturbing. Please note that we love both of you. It is only the content that disturbs us. If you could please change the format of the show to be slightly more polite, we would be forever in your debt.

Thanking you,
Looking forward to a favorable reply from your respected selves

Mr. KF
Association of well behaved people

Huck: There you have it!
Obviously we can't fight all these groups. We have neither the time nor the inclination, and so sadly, it is with great pain that we have to announce that there will be only one more final talk show, that will be telecast live around the world on Aug 15 2009!
The day India celebrates it's independence, we will be losing it (satirical laugh)

longer silence

Huck: So much for democracy! Jai Hind!

Thursday, July 30, 2009

A show of strength - V

Live on Television

Producer: Welcome! After our disastrous foray into dance shoes, oops shows, we've received more than 2000 SMS'es in the no advertised. 1999 of them cribbed against our terrible performance and threatened to sue us with legal action, if we continued to host dance shows! There was however one heart-whelming SMS, though which praised the show as 'magnificento' and admired all the judges and asked us to continue doing the good work that we were doing! However since we like to get to the bottom of things, we hired a private investigator to figure out who this solitary admirer was and the message was traced to a secret second mobile owned by Huck! Since then, I've had a war of words with Huck and the media quick to pounce on anything and sensationalize stuff broke out the news of a falling between Huck and me. I want to re-iterate that though we have our differences (pretty large ones too!), we are a team! and we will remain a team! Over to Huck!

Huck: Thank you! (sobbing with a hanky) That was a very emotional moment. I don't know what to say. ...

(rotating head in clockwise and counter-wise repeatedly with eyes wide open for a whole minute)

Alrite! Now all of you get back to work! Cameraman! action! Producer! Get back to ur chair! You! Who the f are you??? Oh sorry! the celebrity that we are going to host! Hic! Excuse plz!

Huck: Ladies and Gentlemen! Welcome to the show that you have all loved to see succeed, Huck's talk show! To continue with our honorable producer's show of strength of teamwork et al, I now request all of you to stand up and observe two minutes of silence!

Producer: You can't ask all our million viewers to stand up! You are on TV!
Huck: We are LIVE ain't we? and there are people watching us LIVE? ain't they? So why can't I ask them to stand up? am communicating LIVE to them. ain't I?
Producer: But still...
Huck: Let me give you an analogy! I just love analogies! You go to a theater. Say they are screening a very patriotic movie. There's a voice over the speaker saying, we are going to play the National Anthem now. All rise! You can't see the speaker, but you oblige don't you?
Producer: I suppose, I would!
Huck: There! I rest my case!

Screen flashing: Huck's talk show is now observing a two minute silence. If you would like to join, please rise up and observe it with us wherever you might be...
You may remain seated if you are handicapped, but if you don't like to be discriminated, we encourage you to call your medical practitioner within the next 1 minute and 54 seconds and counting down for medical advice on what to do... (fine print: all outgoing calls made during this period will be charged at an additional 3rs/sec)

2 minutes elapse

Screen flashing: Amen!

Huck: Welcome back! Wasn't that a sort of first for live telly?
Cameraman: Not really! I've seen shows of God on TV and I've seen people prostrate before the Telly!
Huck: Wow! That would take some beating!

(Thinking hard)

Huck: Yep! That would *definitely* take some f****** beating to do!

Sunday, July 26, 2009

Talk shows and now dance shoes! - IV

Live on Television

Producer: Welcome! You've all seen Huck's (very_soft_tone) my (/end_soft_tone) talk shows rise to incredible heights. We thought we'll cash in on the popularity and migrate over to dance shows now. Huck declined to host this show though!
Audience: Boo! Boooooooo!
Producer: So we have done away with hosting! No hosts for this show, only judges and on his own request, he's now a judge on the show!
Audience: Yayyyyyyyyy!
Producer: Alrite over to the judges. My 2 mins is up. :(

Huck: Welcome all! My co-judges today are Ms. Diana, a fair maiden and an accomplished dancer herself and Mr. Fara, a fair minded libran. For the benefit of the audience, let me re-iterate that am a nobody at dancing and am in direct competition with Fara here on staking a claim for the award of zilch knowledge on dancing. So let's hope that the fair maiden can salvage some pride for the judges!
Fara: Can't you cut down on your honesty a bit??
Huck: Oh! Come on! My fair minded friend. It will be fine!
Diana: Let the dances begin!
Huck: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

1 guy dancing for 3 minutes

Diana: That was splendid! Refreshing beginning to the program. Congratulations!
Fara: Awesome! Very well done indeed!
Diana: (to Huck in a low voice) Huck wake up! wake up!
Huck: (waking up): (to Diana in a hushed tone) what's the verdict?
Diana: (to Huck in a hushed tone): good
Huck: (clapping rapidly) Good! great! well done!
Contestant 1: Thank you judges!

1 gal dancing for 3 minutes

Diana: The previous dancer has set a benchmark. Am afraid you didn't get till there, but all the same very well done! Some of your moves, esp those snakey ones were superb!
Fara: Awesome! Like Diana said, not there, but still pretty good
Huck: (Fully awake): You call that dancing? The chemistry was totally missing!
Diana: (to Huck in a hushed voice): you can't crib about chemistry when there is a solo dancer!
Huck: I can't? Damn! (to contestant) Physics too! Totally amiss!
Contestant 2: (crying and leaving the stage) I hate you Huck!
Huck: really? Wow! I can make someone hate me in just under 5 seconds! Must be a new record!
Diana: (smiling at Huck and nodding) Hmm Impressive. Very Impressive...

1 guy dancing for 1.5 minutes

Diana: (About to say something)
Huck: (Taking a cue) Hold on! Hold on! You call that dancing? That's preposterous!
Producer: Can't we atleast let him finish his routine? He's got his 3 minutes of fame.
Huck: No way! I am not subjecting my viewers to this kind of trash! I would rather that they listen to my expert comments than watching such rubbish in the name of dancing
Diana: Huck please. He was not that bad!
Huck: No Diana. I know you could'nt bear him. You were about to say the same in milder terms
Diana: I was about to appreciate that particular move he just made. I was going to say 'magnificento'
Huck: You were?
Fara: Why do you jump to conclusions so quickly? It was magnificento
Huck: Fara, Do you even know what maginificento means? Alrite. Magnificento it was! damn!
Diana: Contestant no 3, please continue.

contestant 3 dancing for 1.5 minutes

Diana: Well done! Magnificento! By far the best exhibition I have seen so far on stage!
Fara: Awesome! Magnificento! Words fail me! so excuse me!
Diana and Fara: (Looking at Huck) Huck?
Huck: (in a low voice) I feel very weak! (/end_low_voice) Good job man! And... nice shoes! And you know what? To make up for my earlier rubbish, I award you 11 points out of my allocated 10! Happy?
Diana and Fara: You can't do that! All of us have just 10 points
Huck: I can't? Who else has points to spare? (looking around)
Producer: Don't look at me! I am just a mere producer
Huck: Alrite! (to contestant) Tell you what? We'll do one point carry-over for you next round! Yeah? You like that? Eh? You are smiling! So I suppose you *do* like that!
Huck: (to Diana) How did I handle that? Wasn't that impressive?
Diana: No you moron! you ought to have awarded him a free selection in the next round. One chiller point is worthless! It's like 50 paise now, it's lost it's value already!
Huck: Oh! I'll try to remember that, but strange are the ways of this world!
Fara: Which planet are you from anyway???
Huck: The same f****** planet that you are from!
Producer: Damn! I thought this was going to be a very well behaved show, but he was warming up and he's just started! f***! f***! f***!


Contestant 1: Alrite! What's the verdict?
Contestant 2: Diana gets 10 in my book. Fara gets 9! Atleast he echoes her sentiments
Contestant 3: I second that!
Contestant 1: Aye! we are in agreement. and Huck?
Contestant 2: -10, assuming that there can't be a worser rating than that
Contestant 3: No there is something worse. We can refuse to rate him! And let's carry over the refusal to all subsequent shows also!
Contestant 1: Aye! Are we in agreement?
All Contestants: Aye!

Saturday, July 25, 2009

A talk with the talk show host - III

Reporter: Welcome! Today We are interviewing a young TV host, who seems to have created waves with his first two sensational talk shows. Both the shows garnered a very high TRP rating, that it has broken all the past records. Welcome to the show, Huck!
Huck: So the interviewer is being interviewed now? eh?
Reporter: You sure are! So tell me how big is the queue of advertisers knocking at your door now?
Huck: Ha Ha. That's one of the ironies of life. For the first show we had only one advertiser, a soapy guy and for the second show, the first one backed out and we found another, a chewy guy and till this date, we have only that one! So we've had to make do with ingenious ways to keep ourselves afloat. Want a chewing gum? (offering the brand)
Reporter: Heh. No Thanks!, but that's rather strange. It's stranger than what would be, if someone were to tell me that our building is now being invaded by aliens!
Huck: Heh! No it isn't. You see, our show is immensely popular, but advertisers are wary of who they want to be associated with. Almost all of them don't want to be associated with a show which over-uses the 'f' word
Reporter: So why don't you cut down on that? You do, If I may say so over-use the 'f' word to an enormous degree!
Huck: Heh Heh I know! :)
Reporter: Are you going to cut down on it then?
Huck: Not if I can help it! There's a reason to the madness. You see, our shows are about freedom, freedom of thought, freedom of speech. We do not wish to be constrained by rules like 'don't use the f word'. yeah? Of course a majority of people lead very disciplined lives and they would find it sorta disgusting, but WTF! Actually you should try it yourself. Try saying it a few times, and you will feel being liberated. Go on! Try it!

10 seconds of silence

Huck: F*** you! come on man!
Reporter: Helpppppppppppp!
Huck: (Being dragged away) F*** you! F*** this interview! F*** it!
Reporter: (Wiping the sweat on his forehead) That concludes our interview ladies and gentlemen. That was one F****** experience! Eh? There I said it!

P.S. This blog is a response to a friend who complained about the very thing this interview focuses on :)

Sunday, July 19, 2009

By popular demand - Huck's talk show - II

Live on Television

Producer: Welcome to Huck's talk show-II. The first was a roaring success!
Huck: (surprised) It was?
Producer: It was! Frankly all of us here at the studio are quite stupefied at the TRP ratings released. How on Earth did we do it? How on Earth did we go from being a nothing show to the world's greatest show? How on Earth did we ...
Huck: That's enough! I'll take it over from here
Producer: But this is my show
Huck: It's 'Huck's talk show'!
Producer: But I put all the money in it. Can't I get my 2 minutes of fame?
Huck: For the money you've put in, we've given you a state of the art swivel chair. There! (pointing near the curtain). Now get going!

Huck: Ladies and Gentleman, Welcome to (stresses) Huck's (end_stress) talk show!
Audience clapping and not stopping
Producer: Aren't you going to stop them? We are wasting precious air time!
Huck: Heh No way! Let me savour this (eyes closed. arms up as if invoking rain...)
Producer: Camera man! Ignore him and put that 2 minute advt on indiscipline and chewing gum. I feel like spitting at him!

2 minutes later

Huck: Today's talk is about education.
We have amongst our distinguished panel, specially hand picked by me
Dr. Ms. Phd: A Doctor of philosophy. Very distinguished. Very attractive. Very intelligent.
Dr. Mr HD: A Honorary doctorate. He's achieved so much in some field and keeps achieving a lot of things, that they decided to shut him up once and forever by giving him a honorary doctorate.
Mr. IKL: Mr. I know a lot, who has studied the most in his village, i.e. till the 4th standard.

Welcome to the show one and all

Huck: Alrite. It's a free for all! Go!
Phd: I think Mr. IKL has no right to be on the show!
HD: I second that! Both Phd and me are Dr's. What are you?
IKL: Shut up you snobbish f***** up people!. One more word, I am gonna sever your head from your body with my sword!
Huck: Oh my God. How did he smuggle a sword in here? Security Security!
Security: Sorry sir, the x-ray was not working and he looked harmless enough
Huck: How many times should I tell you that appearances are deceptive? Look at me! Do I look like running the greatest show on Earth???
IKL: Shut up Huck
Huck: Take him off! I want no blood on my show.
Producer: (feebly) It's my show
Huck: Shut the f*** up!
IKL: (being dragged out) You'll pay for this! Just you wait until you get out! Am waiting for you! and my sword will be waiting for you!

Huck: There you see ladies and gentleman, that's what a lack of education can bring us to.
HD: True. I would never think of using a sword, when am educated. In fact I'll use dynamite like this one here. see?
Huck: WTF???
HD: All stay put! Freeze! No one move! One move and I'll blow this studio to pieces!
Huck: Seeeeeccccccuuuuuuurrrrrriiiiiiitttttttttyyyyyy!
HD: (being dragged) You'll pay for this! Am waiting for you outside!

Huck: Jesus! (To Phd) What have you got? A missile launcher?
Phd: Nope. I majored in chemistry. I don't like blood.
Huck: Thank God for that! What are we going to do now? We don't have much of a panel here now!
Phd: We could invite our producer and maybe some one from the audience.
Producer: Yes me! me! am ready!
Huck: Producer! No way! He ain't getting on my show! Let him earn it! We'll invite two more people from the audience. Choose a number from 1-10.
Phd: 5
Huck: One more?
Phd: 7
Huck: Ok. Inky pinky ponky, father had a donkey. you! and you! come over here! you are part of our distinguished panel now!
Huck: What's your names?
New comers: Raj and Rakhi
Huck: Eh? Good!
Huck: (Handing over two leaflets) These are the terms and conditions of being a panel on Huck's talk show. Read it and sign it

Huck's Talk show
Terms and Conditions
- When you are interrupted by Huck, you will shut the f**** up!
- You should allow yourself to be abused/shouted at/harassed by Huck

I have read the terms and conditions and agree to it.

Dated Signature


Huck: All done? Good! Let's get going. What was the talk about?
Phd: Education

Producer: We are running out of time! You've wasted 30 mins on all your drama!
Huck: Eh? Damn!
Producer: Better conclude it now Huck
Huck: Ladies and Gentleman, due to unforeseen difficulties, today's show had a lot of drama. It's difficult to pinpoint whether Education or lack of it had anything to do with it, but I suppose you'll derive your own conclusions! Thank you for wasting your time with us today! We hope you'll do it again! Bye for now!


Huck: Phew! That was one hell of a show
Phd: Finally we are together! I wanted to experiment the new chemical acid that I have on you privately!
Huck: securityyyyyyyyyyy!

Saturday, July 18, 2009

The magic of statues

Reporter: I hear you are constructing so many statues of yourself all over your state. Isn't that so megalomaniac-al? Can't you use your funds for something better, like say bringing in electricity, water to affected districts?

Politician: Ahambra! Don't level such a baseless charge against me. Whatever I do is for the good of the state, for the good of the people.

Reporter: How so?

Politician: Firstly I am constructing only bare minimum of statues. i.e. one in each street of each city of my state. ok? Secondly many people think I want to construct these statues, so I can leave around my legacy forever, but that is not at all my intention.

Reporter: What might that be then?

Politician: To bring in electricity, to bring in water, to bring in milk to my districts!

Reporter: milk? can you enlighten me further?

Politician: You see our people are idol worshippers. Bring in a deity before them, they will do all that they can. They worship politicians. They worship film stars. They worship larger than life characters and they are very pessimistic, so they will worship anyone above them. They worship idols. They want idols.
So I say, let's give them a idol. Let's give them a living idol, so they know that there is someone who can grant them whatever they worship for, because that living person is in power. So by erecting a statue of me, they will automatically worship it. How will they worship it? With water! With milk! Where will these come from? from the skies? It has hardly rained here! and even if it did, it will not rain milk! So they will find means to transport water and milk. A distribution system will come in place automatically. At night, the idols will still need to be worshipped. yes? So it will be decked up with a 1000 lights. How will you light them up? With AA batteries? The infrastructure will catch up, once you give a reason. A reason for officials to work, a reason for people to demand that the officials work. The statues are the reason! It's a cultural shift in thinking! and ultimately we can go from being a state of poverty to a power-rich state. you get me now??? All this happens how? by erecting a statue!

Reporter: Wow

Politician: I have more plans based on this. I plan to network the statues together using cable, and there will be a webcam on the top of each statue. So people will vie for the attention of the webcam in the hope that the worshipper is being noticed. Ultimately it will lead to technological advancement of each street, each city and each state. Every street in the state will be networked across to every other street. Law and order will then be very easy. We will be able to track criminals from street to street. You get me??? Even the U S A does not have things like this. You level baseless charges against me. I am disappointed with you. A man of such intelligence as you should not join the mob and accuse me thus.

Reporter: I am floored!

Politician: We need people like you. Can you help us making this place a better world?

Reporter: Tell me! Tell me! What do you want me to do? I'll do anything for you, my lord!

Politician: (Smiling gleefully at yet another idol worshipper) Let's see. At the junction of Ambedkar road and Vivekananda Street, they are having some caste issues erecting the statue. One group wants the statue to face one way and the other group wants it to face the other way. Can you proceed immediately there and resolve that issue?

Reporter: ok! but which way should it face?

Politician: Use your intelligence man! It's not important which way it should face, but that it should be there and serve as motivation for people to work!

Reporter: Of course! Am on my way!

Monday, July 13, 2009

A satire on relationships

Live on Television

Huck: Welcome to Huck's talk show. Today's theme is about something which affects all of us, and yes I mean all of us. So pay attention and keep your hands off the remote! Yes Ladies and Gentleman, today we are going to talk about relationships, and specifically the relationship associated with your better half. We have amongst our distinguished panel

Mr A - Arranged Marriage Specialist, and a rather soft spoken gentleman, who blissfully got married the arranged marriage way. His wife's somewhere in the audience. Camera! Can you zoom across?
Producer: We can't find her.
Huck: Never mind! Let's continue with our panel.
Mrs. L - Love Marriage Specialist, who has fallen in love and out of love quite a few times. Err... Currently are you in there or out of there?
Ms S - Single and eligible, like millions of us. Sexy, confident, sophisticated, ok ok. I'll stop and try my luck after the show!
Mr B - The bachelor, for life, like a few of us. Abrasive, logical and cynical

Welcome to the show all of you.
Let me initiate proceedings by going for an advt break.

Mother: Can you buy a soap and come?
Daughter: Sure Mommy
Mother: Oh I didn't tell her what soap to buy. She could buy some rotten soap and then it could break her confidence. Damn! I am ruining my daughter's life! Double Damn! I must be the worst mom in the whole wide world
Daughter: Mommy! I got this one! (holding up a green bar of soap)
Mother: Wow! She got the right one! Ain't I the best mom in the whole wide universe?
Audience in background: Damn color again! Now that's one racial advt.!

Welcome back!

Huck: B, why do you wish to remain a bachelor for life?
B: Relationships suck man! They suck big time. Look here at the audience. I managed to do a lil survey during that rotten ad break. 45% of them are divorced. 35% are contemplating divorce. So that makes it 45+35 . Anyone got a calculator?
Someone from the audience: That's 80%
B: Yes. Yes Thank you. 80%. That leaves 20%, out of which 10% are single and so that leaves 10%. Out of that 5% are newly married couples, who are in the 'warm fuzzy feelings' phase, soon to be replaced with 'rude shock period'. So 5% are say, blissfully married, and in all probability are blissfully unaware of what a relationship is. So you see what I am getting at?

S: Damn you B! Don't be so pessimistic. Look at me!
B: I looked at you sexy! you are pretty good, but not good enough for me to jump into relationships.
S: F*** you! I meant look at my confidence.
B: Confidence??? You??? @$@%

Huck: People, People! We are live on national television. Please moderate your f***ing language. The world surely doesn't need to pick up words like [beep], [beep-beep], [beep-beep-beep] from us! Let's move on to milder topics. Mr A, do you think arranged marriages are better than love marriages?

A: Of course they are! you see they give a lot of security
L: If you want security, hire a f**** security guard! Arranged marriages are only good for people who don't have the confidence in their own decisions
A: I disagree strongly
L: Freaking hell! Who cares whether you disagree strongly or weakly? Now just shut up moron!
Huck: Please L, you will get your turn. Now shut the f*** up. Mr A, can you tell us about the arranged marriage process itself?

A: That's simple. The two horoscopes first meet each other. Then the two fotos meet each other. If they like each other, then the two families meet, and if they like each other, then the two people meet. So you see the two people are wrapped in a security cocoon engulfed by families, society, photos and horoscopes.
Huck: Interesting. so if something goes wrong? You can blame the cocoon?
A: Well I suppose you could,... partly
L: Ain't that so convenient?
Huck: Mrs L, How did you meet your husband?
L: Oh I met him online. We were chatting for ages and then we met and then we decided to take the plunge.
Huck: So your family just accepted? Huh?
L: There were a lot of protests, as all of them subscribe to the theory of Mr. A here, but we hung on and it worked out
Huck: so there's no security. What do you do when you have a fight?
L: Oh I freaking throw all the kitchen utensils at him and I win all the time! He can't catch for nothing!
A: See that's what am talking about. Our security blanket would catch all kinds. Stainless steel, metal, anything, you name it!
L: (ignoring) We have a make up period and that binds us closer. We can think back to our first meeting, which was truly glorious and our frowns are quickly replaced with smiles! What do you think about? How the arian ram and the taurian bull liked each other snorting in the horoscopes??? (Audience laughing)

Huck: While we have everyone laughing, let's take another quick short break.

2 seconds later

Huck: Offhand, S I must say you are really very very sexy
S: (blushing) Thank you!
Huck: Whats happening? I thought we are taking an advt break! Damn you people!
Producer: There are no more advertisements Huck! All your shows suck anyway and we are in recession, so people simply don't care for your show. Get on with it!

Huck: aww! What the hell? Alrite. Welcome back folks!
Huck: S, you have seen what A and L have indicated. you are single and most eligible. What would you choose?
S: Frankly I don't know. I am open to both. I just see both as avenues to meet people
Huck: That's a nice (and comforting) attitude to have. Mr B, your comments?
B: She has no clue what she's getting into. Personally I advise you to stay away from relationships. Stay with me, and I will teach you all about how relationships suck.
S: You mean, you want me to get into a relationship with you, so you can warn me about how relationships suck in general? Man you are weird! (To Huck) Can we take him off the show? He makes me nervous!
B: Weird, but adventurous!
Huck: Mr A, If you had a chance to marry again, would you opt for a love (interrupted)
(someone in audience shouting) damn you A. Don't even think about it
Huck: Now L, you had indicated that you had fallen in love and out of love a few times. Can you explain how that works? Isn't love forever?
L: Well, you see. It's rather complicated
A: Aaha! Love! my foot!
L: falling in love is very natural. and like what goes up comes down, falling out of love is even more natural.
Huck: So how do you manage then?
L: Well, every time we fall out, we meet over coffee and talk things out and we tell ourselves that we'll work harder again, but we don't give up and we don't look at no crappy cocoon to save us. If I had one wish in the world, I would wish for a rocket launcher and blast it right through A's cocoon
A: Now that's a foul personal attack. I protest!
Huck: I see. Do you wish to file a complaint in writing?
A: I sure would, but I have to get permission from my cocoon first. Can it wait?
Huck: S, suppose you were say to fall in love with say B, how would you propose to him?
S: On my foot! I despise him! totally #$%#^#$%#
B: The feelings mutual lady!

Huck: Producer, can we at least take a water break? My throat's parched!
Producer: What's the conclusion of the show?
Huck: Ladies and Gentleman, you have seen all the arguments. Like all talk shows, we just bring people to the show and have a good time getting them to fight. So ultimately the show's crap. Just do whatever works for you! Thanks one and all!


S: You were very impressive!
Huck: Thank you! I suppose you see talk shows also as avenues to meet people eh? :)

Thursday, July 2, 2009

Apparently it exists!

If you had one look at the title and were bewildered, then for some context, read 'Huck's hideout'
Apparently it exists! and in our own namma Bengaluru!
If you take a drive down the white field region in Bangalore, it's difficult to miss it, that huge colossal glass marvel called ITPL (International Technology Park Ltd.)
I used to work there a few years ago, when things were much more relaxed. The security guy at the office was like your friendly neighbour. There was a time when he saw me working in one of my erratic work schedule (which stretched to 5:00 AM in those days) and remarked,
'Sir, Don't you have a house to stay?' :)
We had a huge conference room with a state of the art DVD player and I quickly volunteered for the job of finding DVD's to play on friday evenings and we actually had a movie club going out there!
Ahh! Those quaint days were full of fun! Even work was a pleasure to indulge in.
Well I've made a few trips there now and then, but nothing as recent as today and to say it's changed would be a understatement.

I can for one, no longer just walk in. I have to freaking shell out one of my valuable identity cards like a PAN, Passport, License (Yes freaking original), get a crappy visitor's badge in an even crappier plastic shell (and they have the audacity to state that if I lose the badge, then I might have to shell out a 1000 bucks!). They are not done yet. Then you walk through a war-trench like zone and then you sight it finally, the building I need to get into. Now this is a real fortress and today my luck ran out. I was stopped. I had a letter which should have ideally granted me entry, but like I said, my luck ran out and the letter was dated more than a week back, something which the security supervisor didn't like.

'I was sick. realllly really sick. [cough] That's why the letter is dated so'
'Nope. Can't do. Pl. get another letter.'
'[more cough] You mean, I have to go out of ITPL, get a letter again and come back? Isn't that rather harsh, considering what you put me through to come till this point???'
'Well, you could go the cyber cafe in the mall, get a print out and come'
'What about my PAN card? If I don't get in here and get a company seal on this receipt, I can't get back my card!'
'Oh that's easy. We see people like you every day. I will sign in the receipt'
'Is it fine if I get my manager from within the building to come out and vouch for me? I can get the actual person who wrote the initial letter. Will that do?'
'Nope. Can't do.'
(So you trust the letter more than the person? I had a deep urge to explain, to tell him how easy it is to spoof a e-mail printout. You want to play baby? eh?
I suppose he read my mind at this point in time and shook his head again. 'Nope. Can't do'

A chain of phone calls and well my luck turned finally! I got in! into the damn place where the security are trained to simply identify at a split second whether a ID-card is a real one or a fake.

Now if only it rained really hard today, ITPL could well become ITIL (International Technology Island Ltd.)

P.S. On hindsight, this is no where as 'devious' as Huck's hideout! not even close ;)

Sunday, June 28, 2009

Huck's hideout

Life is full of emotional dramas. Let me guess, a lot more is in store. I suppose I can't stop them, but I can make it difficult for emotional dramas to reach me. So here's the plan.

I intend to live on an island, 'Huck's Hideout' and nope you cannot absolutely reach me, until I say so. Here's why

You can't swim across - It's shark infested and they all have a abiding duty to protect me. Don't ask me how I ever communicated it to them!

You can't do a drop-in using a parachute or anything - For the simple reason, there are shoot at sight orders. The moment a parachute is sighted, you can rest assure that it will be gunned down. If you are willing to take a risk, please do so with a cheap quality parachute. At least you can die with the satisfaction that you left behind some money for your kin!

You can't hire a boat across - Ah technically you can, but all the boat operators will make you fill up a visa application form. The application form runs into 10 pages (Yes I know it's more than the US immigration form, DS-156, and all that). An excerpt from the form revealing a few of the 'simple' questions is as follows

1.a) What is the purpose of your trip to Huck's hideout? If it's business, then you have no business on Huck's hideout. If it's personal, then you are personally asked to scram!
1.b) Have you ever been involved in an emotional drama? If so, please do write a novel on the same, get it published by one of the recognized publishers listed in the Appendix of this form, and re-submit this application along with a copy of your novel. Your case will not be considered until then. Please also quote 'Huck's hideout' as one of your inspirations behind the novel in the acknowledgments.
1.c) If you answered 'no' to 1.b), well frankly we don't believe you and your application is rejected out rightly. Please re-apply after 18 months. Any appeals can be filed after 24 months.
2) Do you intend to cause any harm to any living soul on Huck's hideout? (Harm can be of the following types - physically, mentally, emotionally, psychologically, x-ally) - If so, you are strongly advised that you have bright prospects out there in the real world, rather than bothering the inhabitants of Huck's hideout.
3.a) Do you intend to immigrate to Huck's hideout? If yes, please answer 3b)
3.b) Do you have a touching story, one touching enough to be admitted?

4.a) Please affix a recent passport photograph, taken strictly in a zodiac blue shirt, a black trouser and a regimental tie with red stripes on a white background, the stripes being inclined at an angle of 45 degrees (Yeah we know that the trouser ain't visible in the photograph, but the visa form won't be accepted until you provide us proof that you actually did follow such a simple instruction)

5.a) Who will cover the expenses of your trip? [Please do note that if you are unable to support yourself on Huck's hideout, you will be fodder for our sharks]. As proof, we require the following
- Bank statements for the last 15 years (If you ain't been working that long enough, age a bit and come back)
- A voice recorded statement in Mp3 format stating 'I have the funds', which will be subjected to our automatic lie detector program
- A summary of all the purchases that you have made in the last 3 months. The purchases need to be classified as the following types, 'necessity','I just needed the damn thing', 'I was impulsive'. The application will be accepted only if the percentages for each of the above three categories are within our defined thresholds


67.a) Finally, please board the boat with a copy of a GPOA, ensuring that someone else can take care of everything that you have, in case you don't ever return back.

It doesn't end there :)

Please wait in line to pass security and board the boat.
"Did you pack your bags yourself?"
"Yes I did!"
"Can you give us proof of that?"

After 1 day

"I have a recording of me packing my bags myself."
"Great! Let's see it!.. err. Sorry, that hair conditioner is not allowed! Jesus! Someone can get hurt from that! What were you thinking? You need to re-pack and yes re-record!"

After another day

If you do manage to get this far, then on arriving at the island, you will be greeted by our immigration officer, who will take a biometric reading of your fingerprint, and look irritated that your fingerprint is not in our database (it's a brand new database. what do you expect?). Your finger print will be stored promptly and you will be asked to re-apply with a fresh visa application form after 6 months. Till that time, you can opt to go back to the real world (in which case you are dis-barred from ever applying again) or stay on the Island in our transit quarters. We will provide you a temporary place to stay in our zoo. Your quarters will be shared by Boobo, our brightest chimpanzee and Laka, our deadliest viper and no! you can't have your baggage yet.

6 months later

Our immigration officer greets you again. Will check our biometric database with your fingerprint.
"Hey! one match! It's your lucky day!"

Onward to baggage claim

"What? No baggage? Where's my baggage???"
"Sorry Sir/Madam. The Baggage claim has a anti terrorist policy to destroy all bags not claimed within 5 months and 29 days."

"Fine!" Fuming!
"I made it. I did it! Where's huck? I want to meet him."

"Yes sir/madam. Of course. Please fill out this 100 page application form to enter the palace in the Island! "

Saturday, May 30, 2009

True love

For some time now, I have been a cynic about whether there really exists such a thing as 'true love'. When you hit rock bottom, as far as your emotions are concerned, you tend to question every thing that you have taken for granted, all your life and the ultimate incurable romantic that I was, transformed into the biggest love cynic, all in front of my own very eyes.

I have seen marriages happen out of so called love, and then I have seen them dis-integrate as rapidly as they were formed.
I have seen people talk about warm fuzzy feelings whenever they think about someone special, but who just can't plain tolerate the same person after some amount of time has passed.
I have seen people scared to let their better half know about a certain aspect of their personality, lest it ruin their marital life.
I have also seen countless relationships begin with people deliberately hiding stuff about their past. I have also seen people facing issues in future just because they were not honest enough about their past to begin with.
I have seen people use 'I love you' as such a easily swapped blanket of convenience.
I have and continue to see 'so called symbols of love and affection' on the telly day after day and they leave me feeling very void.
I have seen parents pushing their own agendas, dreams, interests forward rather than stopping to listen/hear what their son/daughter thinks/feels/wants.
I have seen parents who let their children take the minor decisions in life, and yet have a imposing presence on their major decisions. Which parent can truly honestly say that I left my son/daughter to explore the world, the way he/she wanted and don't impose myself in any way?
Which parent has not cribbed about their child to a third person?
Which child has not cribbed about their parents to a third person?

Is there really such a thing as true love?

Today, I was leaving the music school after a customary struggle with trying to master that deceptively simple, but ultra complex violin. I noticed my wonderful teacher's aged parents sitting in a bench together, just in front of the school. My teacher's scottish. Imagine parents giving up everything they hold near and dear to them, living in a foreign country, waiting patiently day after day, while their daughter spends her time teaching me and the other students through-out the whole of the afternoon.
What could be a more perfect example of true love than this?

So I suppose, the romantic in me simply refuses to die.
True love does exist, but you need to be lucky as hell to come anywhere close to it, and you will know when you get there, for it will stand by you, even if the whole freaking world wants you to do something else and it will never *ever* hurt you...

Thursday, May 14, 2009

It's time

One of the most difficult things in life is to wake up early (atleast for me). I've tried so many solutions...
  • Alarm clocks of various sizes
  • Alarm clock on the mobile with wacky tunes. The latest experiment is to try getting up to a wild wild west tune with a lasso throwing horse man trying to strangulate my neck unless I get up (Yeah. Gory, but it still doesn't work!)
  • Family and friends calling me on my mobile and persisting until I answer the phone. (On disconnecting however it's the usual story)
  • A lil will power. ( I guess I need a lot more!)
and I now look at it, it's become pretty much a habit that's longer than a decade! One of my friends remarked that it's gonna be as difficult as it prob is to kick off smoking! I suppose that's pretty accurate.
Let's see what all I have missed out on over the years
  • The first one/two classes of most days at college. No wonder my internals were so messed up. (Yes it's been a habit since then! No wait, actually much earlier, since I was born I think)
  • Breakfast on majority of days! (Yeah that sucks)
  • Socialize. The less time spent awake, the less time there is to socialize. (Well that ain't a big deal)
  • A lot of sunshine and Sun's love! (Ah, but the afternoons are not so forgiving either, with me being swamped by the Sun's emotions!)
  • Being termed as a 'diurnal' creature
Let's see what all I have gained over the years

  • Sleep, blissful sleep with nothing, I repeat nothing so far able to shake me up.
  • Boosted my ego, what with project managers at work actually picking me up from home on release dates, just so I could arrive one day on time and release the project!
  • Made people realize that there is after all something real about the epics, "Mahabharata" and "Ramayana", with me representing the character of "Kumbhakarna"! (Maybe am cursed too! Ha!)
  • Less stress! If you are awake for a very small part of the day, there are less things you are involved with and by corollary, less stress!
  • A few disgruntled managers, who have actually gone to the extent of fining me for coming late and then realized it was a bad idea, cause I was willingly paying anyway ;)
  • A few more disgruntled managers, who gave me 'the look', but who were also returned the favour in double dose on rare days when I made it early!
So, I figured out YAWUEA (s/w terminology, Yet Another Wake Up Early Attempt) and this blog is precisely about that.

I see two solutions. Let's talk about the first one in detail, as it merits a little something.

a) I need a Humanoid Robot
Ok That doesn't sound right. I need a robot, which is specialized enough in the intelligence of waking-up people, So let's call it wake-a-noid. Hmm doesn't sound right. Wake-a-noid, Wake-a-noo?, Wake-a-roo. Hmm Wakeroo sounds almost like waterloo. Anyways for want of a better word, it will have to do for now. So here is a imaginary conversation/sequence between how the wakeroo can wake up *anyone*. Well, If it can wake me up, I presume it can wake up anyone! Of course each wakeroo comes with pre-built factory methods, but you can teach it new tricks for specialized situations. For more information, contact the dealer*

6:55: Wakeroo: Wakey! Wakey! It's time
Huck: The What? Who in their right mind will want to wake up someone so early? You are mad!
Wakeroo: Allow me to remind you that you have this weird habit of setting up alarm timings at 6:55,7:25
Huck: (yawning with still eyes closed): Yeah. It's a psychological advantage. Allows me to sleep for 5 more minutes. Now begone and come back later
Wakeroo: (looking up in-built manual) Yeah that's there in the manual. You are allowed a sleep of another 4 minutes and 35 seconds.
Huck: You stole 25 seconds with your stupid conversation. So make it 25 minutes penalty. Wake me up at 7:25
Wakeroo: (performing some complex calculations, which give the verdict of agreeing once to human owner) ok, as you wish

7:25 Wakeroo: It's time
Huck: You make it sound like I have to get up to my death! What's the point of getting up so early, with such a nasty thought early in the morning?
Wakeroo: It's time
Huck: oh come on. I can barely keep my eyes open
Wakeroo: (tickling Huck's legs)
Huck: Hee hee. Hey! leave me alone (grabs the blanket over his legs and is wrapped tight)
Wakeroo: Hmm this situation has reached escalation level. Initiating alternate strategy A for Alpha
Huck: zzzzzzzzz
Huck: (cold water being splashed all over) zzzzzzzzzzz
Huck: WTF??? Leave me alone! I'll sue you! (covers face also with blanket now)
Wakeroo: (sternly) It's time
Huck: (pretends to not hear)
Wakeroo: (loudly) It's time
Huck: (pretends to not hear)
Wakeroo: Initiating alternate strategy B for Beta
Huck: zzzzzzzzzzzzz
Wakeroo: (grabs blanket by brute force and succeeds)
Huck: (resists mildly and loses)
Wakeroo: (splashes cold water all over Huck)
Huck: Just you wait, until I get up! you @#$@#$%#%^. you are gonna wish you were never born
Wakeroo: I wasn't born anyway
Huck: you sarcastic pig! Leave me alone.
Wakeroo: Not until I have succeeded. You have exactly one more minute to comply.
Huck: (yawning) And then what?

7:34 Wakeroo: (initiates timer on stop-watch and observes closely). You'll see. hee hee hee

7:35 Wakeroo: It's time
Huck: (ignoring)
wakeroo: Lifts off a sleeping huck and right into the shower and turns on the shower full blast!
Huck: Damn! brrrrrr. Can't you atleast give me moderately hot water? I give up! you win!

7:40 Wakeroo: Mission accomplished! (Mission impossible tune playing in the background) I'll leave you to take your bath now. (performs more complex calculations and calculates success ratio as 99.5% success within one hour of transaction initiation and smiles achievingly. Who-ever gave that sarcastic pig such a perfect set of teeth? )
Huck: (door locked now. inside bathroom) zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Well, there's only so much machines can do, which brings us to our second solution.

b) sheer will power on my part! That's another story altogether ;)

Saturday, April 18, 2009

Perceptions II

More perceptions. For a background, see the original perceptions

First man in desert: We are saved! We are saved! I sight water finally!
Second man in desert: You fool! That's a mirage!
First man in desert: You mean, they come with dining tables these days? wow! unbelievable!

Gal to her lover:
Will you love me for ever?
poor guy: of course sweetheart!
gal: Will you love me after a year's time?
guy: Of course dear!
gal: Will you love me after a month's time?
guy: yes my love!
gal: Will you love me just like the water hugs this glass?
guy: for sure, darling!
gal: Then why is your love half empty already? Who else are you seeing???

Movie director: Alrite! This is what we will do. First we will play the BGM. Then we'll have 50 dancers in skimpy clothes dancing all around the dining table, and we'll pan the camera from the top and zoom onto the water, but there will be no movement in the glass or water. It will be symbolic of the stoic nature of our hero. What do you think?
Assistant: What an idea, sirjee!

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Solving complex problems

Client: I am looking for someone, who can write a Hello World program

programmer 1: (quickly creates

public class Hello {
public static void main(String args[]) {
System.out.println("Hello World");

programmer 1: Damn!. Have to name the file

programmer 1: compile! compile!

programmer 1: run! run!
java Hello

programmer 1: damn! classpath classpath!
java Hello

=> Hello World
programmer 1: I did it! I did it! I have conquered it! I am on top of the world! Err. what did you say you wanted again?

programmer 2: (yawn) do you want it printed vertically or horizontally or maybe at an acute angle? (tilts head sideways to demonstrate and in the process incurs a serious neck injury!)

programmer 3: I dunno. What's in it for me?

programmer 4: It's gonna take exactly 4 days. The first day I will do a design for the program. I will also provide you with a high level design document for your approval. On day 2, you sign off on the document (while I take a vacation, but you pay never-the-less), On day 3, I'll write the code and test it. On day 4, we'll do UAT and we close the project. How's that sound? I'll employ fancy AJAX where applicable in the project (which as I know is totally not applicable) and we'll follow agile development methodology (what a load of crap) to ensure rapid development. So... do we have a deal?

programmer 5: Err. do you also have a budget for testing?

programmer 6: You've come to exactly the right person. First we'll freeze on the technology stack. You know how it is with all the technologies out there. We'll do a feasibility study on our chosen technology to cover aspects of security, scalability and maintainability. We'll then do a POC. Only at that point do you have to pay anything! (but I'll make sure that I charge you a bomb then). ok?

programmer 7: I see. It's a very simple thing. I know Java, ruby, C, C++, lisp, python, awk, sed and SAP and depending on which of these you choose, the rates vary. SAP is a bit expensive. I can also give you color options like 'red','magenta','blue' and 'cyan'. oh yeah 'blue' is very very popular, but it's also expensive. After that we'll choose the OS. Here we have options like 'Windows XP', 'Linux', 'Mac OS X'. Finally we do recruitment and select a project team and they will deliver everything. Easy peasy just like making 6 decisions to buy a cup of coffee. What? Me? Oh I don't code. I am a manager.

client 2:
(to a sobbing client 1) yeah I know. don't have to tell me. Face it! They are all like that and they are all over the place! I suggest you pick up a programming book yourself!


Different people have different takes on different situations. Here's my take on other people's takes of a very classical scene.

The scene

A glass half full of water in the center of an otherwise bare dining table. A coaster lies beside the glass on the dining table.

And here comes ...

The optimist: That's half full! Yay! :)
The pessimist: That's half empty! sigh! :(
The materialist: Two fifty bucks for the glass! and to make it perfectly fair, I'll throw in the water for free!
The philanthropist: (raising the glass in his hand) friends, thirsty-men and women, lend me your glasses!
The selfish: (after hiding the glass) what glass? what water? what do you want me to say?
The activist: The water in this glass can make thirst a thing of the past for exactly one person exactly one time
The chemist: I believe, with a little more time, we have all the perfect ingredients to make the perfect fungus the world has ever seen

The CEO: Friends, I have a open door policy just like this open glass. Call upon me anytime you have any problem, but if we are running out of drinking water, as we seem to be, please contact the administrative department instead!
HR person 1: water, oh water! look how much you need motivation! come on water! motivate yourself to come out of the glass! come on! you can do it! go water go!
HR person 2:
I don't think it's working. He's not listening.
HR person 1:
He is. Look he is getting agitated... Oh crikes! It's an earthquake!

The politician:
vote for me! Never will a single glass in the country be half full ever again [We'll make sure to drain whatever's left also]

The music lover:
(admiring at the glass) How beautiful. The glass and water in perfect synchrony with each other just like a symphony. la-la-la, la-laaa-laaa
The film actor and the vain lady:
(admiring at the glass), Hmm, A little nose job, and that would make me more purrrr-fect!

The software programmer:
Is this water tested properly for bacteria?
The software tester:
Hey! That's my job!
The software manager:
Let's not quarrel amongst us. Tester, you test it and file a report to me in XLS format
The priest:
May the tester's soul rest in peace, just like the quarter portion of water remaining in this glass

The libran:
Wow! What perfect balance! It's exactly at the half way mark!
The piscean, scorpion and cancerian(water signs):
Hey! That's my natural environment we are talking about! A little respect is in order!
The gemini-an, aquarian, libran:
That's half air in there! It's our natural environment too! and look the air is on top and spreads out! you just can't contain us! Freedom! Freedom!
Fire signs:
No point going in now. Water and air are a potent combination. Ask our troops to lie low and remain on high alert. we attack at nightfall!

Mr. ant:
my! oh my! I have met my soul mate finally! and she's plump just like i wanted!
The cleanliness-freak:
(noticing a small greenish tinge at the bottom of the glass) err. Can i have a straw?

Trojan war lords:
Ask our carpenters to stop working. We don't need the trojan horse. The fools have left their fort open!

Queue breaker 1
(Yes, They have earned their right to be a separate species): I saw it first! Mine! mine!
Queue breaker 2 :
Liar! The glass reflected my image first!

spills the water on the table and starts making make-shift globs fighting against each other